sing a lullaby

catefrances

she remembers a time when she was happy. content. in love. living in the country bathed in sunshine. a wooden homestead built by convicts and powered by a less than reliable generator. babies' clothes drying on a lavender bush. goats grazing lazily in front. horses out the back. snakes in the long long grass. and every so often kangaroos making a break for it across the pastures. she remembers late nights pacing. the fire blazing. him awake just to keep her company. and finally when peace had been restored, his soft deliberate caresses to take her away. she remembers long walks with the children bounding ahead. discovering. squealing. lighting up their life. and his hand in hers so tight. not wanting to let her go. he was barely holding on. she knew it. he knew it. as much as he knew anything that was. sometimes she'd stand looking out the screen door at him. he'd be standing just at the edge of the fields reciting unwritten works of literary mastery for all or none to hear. she'd not be there a minute before he'd turn and acknowledge her. he'd smile and wave and call out, 'i love you joanna mae.' she'd respond with a declaration of her own. to which he'd reply, 'i know it.' and then he'd go back to doing what it was he was doing as if she never existed. there were also times when he'd introduce himself to her as if it were the first time they'd met. and every time he'd ask about her life. it ached so much she didn't think she could stand it. but she did. that's what love was. and she did love him. she loved him when she'd wake up and he'd shush her and slowly and oh so quietly make love to her so 'them' wouldn't find out. she didn't know who 'them' was. he never said. she loved him when he brought her wildflowers he'd gathered on his walks with the children. when he disappeared for days on end and came back so agitated it took days for him to calm down. when he dropped to him knees wrapping his arms around her hips, resting his head against her pregnant belly waiting for a kick. she loved him when he'd hold her close and dance her around the room. when he'd sing the beatles' 'golden slumbers' in a low baritone. when she'd look up and he'd be smiling at her. and when he'd hold the babies with such delicacy. she loved him when she'd find him standing in the darkness naked, sobbing for release. she loved him from the moment she saw him until the moment they lowered him into the ground.