missing inaction

catefrances

my momma came to me today. she said it was time. i looked at her. she didn't need to tell me what it was time for. we've all been waiting for this moment for seven years. when i was in my first year of college, my brother disappeared. they found his car near a bridge. the back seat littered with packets of camel and paper. page after page of his writing. some were covered in dirt. others had drops of blood on them. there were a couple of paperbacks on the front seat, but there aside from that, there was no sign of my brother.
ever since i can remember, nicky had been different. he was quiet and introverted at times. but then he'd be manic and you couldn't keep him in one place for even a millisecond. he was like my mother's brother. uncle tadgh killed himself when i was seventeen. it was still fresh in my memory when nicky went missing.
his friend damien had knocked on his front door, but got no answer. not particularly something to be concerned about. nicky had been somewhat upbeat that week. his band were due to drive north for a gig. after about an hour of trying to find my brother, damien came to me. i dismissed him. i was in the middle of exams and didn't have time to deal with my wayward brother. especially when he always showed up. he might be a little late but he always showed up. once he showed up in the middle of a gig. he walked straight through the crowd, climbed on stage, picked up a guitar that wasn't his and launched into a song. he wasn't even the singer in the band.
when we arrived at where nicky's car was parked, i looked up the bridge and shook my head. there was no way anyone was going to convince me that my brother would jump. there was too much time on the way down to change your mind.
the police weren't much help. we told them about nicky and they figured that he didn't want to be found or he jumped. so we went home and waited. and waited. we're still waiting. it's been 7 years and we can declare him legally dead. i can't do it and i know my momma can't. we can't give up on him until we know for sure of what he did that day. and the truth is, we may never find out the truth. and if we did, could we ever accept it?