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catefrances

korby wrote:

i am sad. that makes me sad. was it truth ?

based on.

catefrances

he was back at teaching so she was alone during the days. she had rewrites to do, so at least she was occupied. but it wasn't enough. he suggested that maybe she could come and talk to his students about the process of writing and being published. she said she couldn't imagine what she could have to tell them. he hated when she shied away like this. and she hated when he ignored her misanthropic nature. and so they fought. he said she was selfish and she charged him with the same offense. she said she wasn't his little pet to parade in front of people. he said that was not what he was doing. he wanted her to get out of the cabin. he said he thought she needed to be around people. she challenged him, asking which part of the word misanthropic he didn't understand. he called her a bitch. she asked him to leave. he declined. so she left. he gave her a start allowing her to calm down before he followed. he knew where to find her.

catefrances

she heard him approach. with her arms folded across her chest she ignored him. she stared out at the lake. with no moon to light it, it was as black as ink. as he spoke she closed her eyes to take him all in. he told her she couldn't make him leave by displaying her anger. he knew she was afraid of what she felt for him. that she couldn't control her emotions. and that's what made her run sometimes. she congratulated him on being so observant. he sighed. his hands on her arms sent a shiver through her body. she leant back into him. she apologised for her moods. again. he told her that everything she felt and everything she said was her. she didn't have to change it for him. and
he didn't expect her to. she wanted to warn him what was coming, but she didnt want to scare him away. despite his words to her, she knew that like the others he would want to run. she also knew it wasn't fair of her to compare him to the others. he had shown her weakness. but he had also shown her strength. and it was that strength she hoped wouldn't desert him when he needed it the most. when she needed him the most.

olderman

this writing is emotionally vivid. even without a physical description, i can yet see these people and i can feel the emotions and tensions of the argument. i can also feel the moment of surrender even if just for a moment. keep writing cate.

catefrances

thanks j.

catefrances

through the winter their life together became more settled. she had stopped drinking. it was difficult for her but she did it. he told her to take it one day at a time. when she admonished him for sounding like an AA counsellor, he swore to himself he'd not do it again. she found other ways to cope and he wasn't always thrilled with them. but he allowed her to find her own way. he loved her. he was sure of that. it made him smile when she wondered at the winter landscape. the bare trees and the way the water of the lake turned grey. some mornings he'd find her wrapped in a blanket sitting on the dock. her breath visible when she exhaled. she'd spread her arms and welcome him into her embrace. she'd encircled his body with her arms and rested her cheek against his back. he could feel her breathe as her chest rose and fell. he wanted this idyll to stay forever but he knew it was only a matter of time before she fell. he resolved to be there and not to run. he kept these thoughts to himself whilst hoping he'd never have to test his will.

catefrances

he woke to the sound of raining on the roof. torrential rain on a tin roof. she was not in bed beside him. he threw the covers back lazily and tramped downstairs. the cabin was deathly quiet. but outside it thundered. he called her name. she didn't answer. he stopped to listen. there was no sign of movement. walking through the downstairs rooms, he noted everything was in its place. the kettle sat on the burner. he touched his hand to it. it was tepid. well at least she had been in the kitchen fairly recently. taking the kettle he filled it with more water and returned it to the burner. leaning against the bench he stared through the cabin out towards the lake. he saw her. she was on the dock. in the pouring rain. he took the kettle off the boil and grabbed a slicker off the peg behind the back door. he approached her cautiously laying the slicker over her shoulders and wrapping his arms around her. she didn't acknowledge him. he spoke to her softly, applying pressure to her shoulders trying to get her to move with him. she didnt resist as he led her back to the cabin. her wet and muddy footprints tracked their progress to the bathroom. he ran a hot bath and stripped her clothing from her body. she hadn't said a word, but he continued to talk to her. she shivered as she stood there naked. he helped her into the water and bathed her, allowing the water to warm her as he poured it over her shoulders. she sat there, her arms around her knees. he decided he wanted to be closer to her. he stripped his clothes off and climbed in behind her, wrapping his arms around her, drawing her to him. he felt her body soften and mould into his. he just held her. it's all he could do. for now it's all he could do.

catefrances

she had visitors. for the first time since he'd known her there was someone else in the cabin. he watched as she shrank away. it was obvious to him she did not like this intrusion. they wanted something from her. they wanted her. she was polite enough, barely tolerating their presence. he came to her and spoke in low tones. the others thought he was undermining her. they were wrong. he asked nothing of her or from her. he wanted just to be with her. there were times when they didnt even talk. days when he could see from her body language that she was unapproachable. he waited for her to come to him. and she always did. on her terms. they wanted her to leave the cabin. she needed to promote her book. she didn't want to. she was in no shape to deal with anyone she didn't know. or even people she did know. they didn't care. they cojoled her into believing this was necessary. he knew they were wrong. she knew they were wrong but still she acquiesced. she wanted them to leave her alone. so she gave them the answer they wanted to hear. all she asked was that he be allowed to be with her. they agreed because they wanted her. even then he could see their minds ticking over, working out ways to keep her busy and away from his influence.

catefrances

everything started out okay. she did what was required of her and they gave her the time she needed for herself. but it wasnt enough time. she hated being pulled in so many direction. he noticed her start to unravel. they didnt. or if they did they chose ignore it. he came back to the room to find her drunk. it had been so many months since her last drink. and he knew this day would come. she looked at him and smiled. he smiled back, but inside he was dying for her. he wanted to let her get it out of her system. to allow her to deal with the pressure she was feeling her own way. unfortunately her own way could end up at the hospital. and apparently although any publicity was good publicity, he didnt want her exposed to that. he took her to bed and resolved to talk with her people, as he called them, in the morning.

catefrances

again the sun rose. but she was gone. she left and he didn't even notice. he didn't wake up. he didn't stir enough to sense her absence. to him it looked as if she only took herself. he couldn't say if she had any money with her cause he didn't know how much she kept on her person. when he told them they got angry at her. then at him. he got angry with them, but only briefly. truth be told, he was angry with her as well. she did this and it never got easier to deal with. he understood the drinking. he even understood the hurting herself. but he could never understand her disappearances. he wanted to believe that he meant enough to her, for her to confide in him. but she didn't. not when she was so far gone she just up and walked away. the longer she was missing the heavier the lump of coal got in his chest. it didn't belong there and it ached. it ached for her. and it ached with her. he sat at the hotel bar for the longest time nursing his glass. deep in thought and wondering if he could ever help her. wondering if it was worth the effort to him. he already knew the answer to that one. it was the one constant in his life these days. he loved her. for better and for worse, he loved her. her disappearances and falls off the wagon and self abuse wouldn't change that. he drained his glass and asked for another seltzer.

catefrances

she woke up. she could barely open her eyes. she scratched at her skin and shivered with the cold. the body beside her made noise but didn't stir. she stared at his face and wondered who he was. she had been with him for a couple of months but still she had no clue about him. they spent their days together drinking and not much else. she thought she got everything she needed from him. but what she got was bruises and abrasions that covered her body. she sat up but her head swam. she groaned and tried to stand up. she stumbled and cracked her elbow on the bedside. she started to cry. but not just for her aching arm. she didn't know what she was doing. she remembers walking out of the hotel and away from her old life, but she doesn't remember when that was. she heard the body stir, but he did not wake. she walked to the bathroom and turned the shower on as hot as she could stand it. standing underneath the flow, she cried again. she sat in the bottom of the stall, wrapping her arms around her knees and cried. when he found her he yelled at her. she said nothing. she was too tired to respond. she looked around her. he knew what she was looking for. he grabbed it off the window sill and showed it to her, asking her if this was what she wanted. she asked for it but he refused. she begged him. he laughed. when she reached out for it, he swiped it across her hand. she pulled her hand back and sucked the gash. this made him angry. he had given her what she wanted. he pulled her hand towards him, holding her tightly. surprisingly she didn't struggle. though they'd played this game before he was certain she'd pull away from him. he sat down and held her arm straight. with every cut he asked her if this was what she wanted. he took her silence for aquiescence. while he cut her she said nothing. she rocked gently back and forth while her blood flowed. when she felt his lips on her skin a shiver ran through her. this was so wrong but she couldn't stop what was happening. or more to the point, she didn't want to. with the water beating down on her, she stared at her arms. she watched as the blood flowed, mixing with the water and disappearing down the plughole. she didn't notice when he cut his own skin. his blood mixed with hers but she didnt see. when he thrust the blade into her hand and told her to cut him, she couldn't look at him. he yelled at her to do it. holding her face in his hand he stared into her eyes and yelled at her to do it. she owed him he said. he did it for her now it was her turn. she shook her head. she couldn't do it. she felt his grip get tighter. she heard his voice break. he begged her to do it. she could feel the blade cutting her own skin as she held it with her fingers. he took her hand in his and drew the blade down his arm. he told her to look at what she had done. she said she didn't want to be there. he said he needed her. he told her that she needed him too. she didn't think that was true but she was in no state to argue the point. he again helped her cut him. after that she didnt need his help.

catefrances

he stood on the jetty and stared out at the lake. he had seen her do it so often that right now he felt somehow that he was her. the coffee in his mug warmed his hands and he wondered where she was. he hoped that wherever she was she was okay. he wanted her to come back. she had fallen so often and managed to return that the possibility that this would be the one time got pushed out of his head as quick as it entered. he knew that if he started to think she'd not come back to him, then he'd already lost. in his quietest moments he thought of her. when he was in the middle of a class he thought of her. sometimes at night when he was in bed, he'd reach out to her. but of course she wasn't there. as he stood staring out into what had become nothingness with her absence, he willed her to come back.

catefrances

he woke and she was standing beside the bed. he said her name, but she made no move towards him. he thought he was hallucinating. she looked so bad he felt like crying. the dress she wore hung off her body like a flag at half mast. the sleeves of the top she wore under the dress stopped just above her wrists and he could see the damage she'd done. her skin was yellow. her eyes sunken and ringed with black. not from someone hitting her, but from self abuse. he’d seen it before. in her, but also in himself. she stood there staring at him. actually he was sure she was begging him silently. he would never turn her away, she had to know that. maybe she’d forgotten. he reached out and took her hand in his. her skin was cold and she shivered when he touched her. wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her to him. When she started to cry, he did too. he took her into the bed and held her close. she said nothing, but soon fell asleep. a couple of times she woke with a violent start and he lulled her back to sleep. he rocked her gently and stroked her skin. when the dawn came and the first rays of the sun broke through the window, he awoke to find her looking at him. she did not return his weak smile.
as the days passed they did not talk about where she had been, what she done or who she was with. to him it didn’t matter. to her it was a memory best left alone. though he knew it would never leave her.

catefrances

to broach the subject of rehab with her would been seen as the biggest betrayal. he wanted her to get help. but he knew if he asked her to look for it outside the cabin she would refuse. in all likelihood she would also disappear again. he thought the best thing he could do for her was to maintain his schedule. he went to school a he had every day of her disappearance. often he'd come home and she'd be curled up on the bed crying or asleep with eyes red and face puffy from crying. once he came home and heard the shower going. he found her sitting under the fall of the water shivering because the hot water had run out. when he went to help her out he saw she had cut herself so deeply he had no choice but to take her to the hospital. he was so beyond the ability to be shocked by anything she did, but the fact that she went with him so willingly gave him pause. not long after the hospital visit he awoke to find her clinging to him so tightly, he hardly had room to breathe. he spoke to her gently and managed to get her to roll over with her back to him so he could hold her. he wanted to show her that he would not run away. that she could turn her back on him and he would be there when she looked back. it was months before they made love and it was she who initiated it. he was thrilled that her trust in him had returned enough for her to allow this act. in the morning when he awoke, she was still clinging to him. not long after that she started to write again. what she allowed him to read was horrifying. he had no doubt what she wrote was an account as best she could remember of the time she was away from him. she was ashamed of what she had done. he could tell by the tone with which she wrote. and because she told him so. what he read made him angry. some parts made him so sad he cried. he couldn't believe what she had put herself through. and for what? because she felt she had to? this woman made so little sense to him at times he wondered what it was that actually held her together.