gone?

catefrances

she stands alone inside a crowd. she hears her daughter talking but can't hear what she says. images move around her, in front of her, they pass her but she can't see who they are. she feels like she is underwater. everything muffled and so unclear. she has to ask people to repeat what they say and they get exasperated because they think she is not listening. she is. and she is trying to hear them. but something is getting in the way. what is it? is it her wish not to be here? is it that she is so tired she can barely see straight? is it cause she can't sleep? that she hasn't eaten for days? is her mind preoccupied with other things? she writes but the words don't make sense. she writes because she feels she needs to and it doesn't matter if it makes sense or not. the point is not for it to make any sense, though that would surely be a bonus, but to get the words out. she can not keep them inside her any longer. they are poison to her. there is something inside her mind. it sits there like a lump of rock, defiant. it will not budge, not for her. not for anyone. maybe she can't do it alone. maybe there is another path she can take. maybe not. maybe she wants it to stay. yes. that's it. she knows she doesn't want it to go away. it energisies her. makes her at least feel alive when she feels like dying. she knew someone like her once. but he went away. he left her by herself. and now there is no one to talk to. he understood. and now she doesn't understand. she doesn't understand anything anymore.