choices

catefrances

when she heard his voice, she could have sworn her heart stopped beating for a second or two. and then when it restarted, it thumped so loud in her chest she was sure he could hear it. she used to think about this moment for weeks. how she would react. what she would say. what he would say. whether she could stop from throwing herself at him. she turned and faced him, her face a blank slate. she asked him what he wanted and he asked how she had been. she said she was doing okay. she'd found a new place to live and had just found someone willing to publish her writing. he said that was great. he stood looking at her. it made her equal parts angry and uncomfortable. there was also a small sliver that screamed silently at him to reach out to her. she spoke. 'i can't have you near me'. he said he understood. that was when she lost it. on a public street with people walking by on their way to their lives. he knew he'd made a mistake the moment she opened her mouth to speak. the look on her face changed into one he had never seen before. 'you couldn't possibly understand.' all those nights she cried and screamed and hurt herself because she thought he was the one. she thought she had found the man she would spend the rest of her life with. of course he wasn't in control of how she reacted. but he was certainly in control of his decision to end it. he never said he didn't love her anymore. he never gave her much of a reason at all. he just said he didn't want this anymore and that was about it. for weeks after she tried to justify his leaving rationally. but it didn't work. she couldn't think like that. love didn't make sense. it didn't have to. it just was what it was and that was it. but then as she was told so many times, the only thing that would work was time. she got on with her life. she still thought of him in her quietest moments. but the melancholy lasted very briefly. she stopped drinking and she figured she had him to thank for that. she took charge of her life for the first time. she'd endured the death of her grandmother and her father. the latter something she thought would drive her under so deep she'd never see light again. but she was coming through it. the wound was still open but it was healing - slowly. she reached out and placed her hand flat against his chest. she could feel his heart. she told him this is what he should have listened to. he said he had made a mistake. she said he should have thought about that before. she had known it was mistake from the second he told her. why hadn't he known. but she wasn't going to beg him to stay. that she said was beneath her. and him for that matter. she said she couldn't go back. he said she could if she wanted to. she looked him straight in the eye and said, that was the thing; she didn't want to. she'd finally moved on. she had new friends. she had a life she was actually enjoying. and she had started a new relationship. there was no room in her life for him anymore. she could have him if she wanted to right there and then. but the risk for her was too great. he didn't trust her enough back then to share what was going on with himself. and now she couldn't trust him not to hurt her again. she reached up and kissed his lips and said, 'i did love you, you know.' then she turned and walked away.