untrustable/part 2

catefrances

she stood at the door waiting for him to speak. there was nothing she had to say. not anymore. they had been here before and she couldn’t trust herself with him. she couldnt trust him. not again. too many times they found themselves like this. her hoping that this was the one time he chose to stick around. him not really knowing what it was he was doing, but doing it regardless. what did he want from her. it couldn’t be her, cause otherwise he would have told her. well he has told her, but he would have held her and not let go for any reason. was he running form something else? she thought so. but still he chose not to trust her enough to take her hand. the door was open but she couldn’t invite him in. she felt she would lose too much when he decided once again to walk away. and she knew he would. he always did. his presence teased her and it was unfair of him to be standing here. why was he here? why could he not talk to her? despite her trying to get him to speak, he seemed incapable of it. twas as if he had nothing at all to say to her. but she knew that wasn’t true and she knew he knew as well. what was it he didnt want to say. couldnt he just tell her to fuck off if she was so far off base? but he didn’t, and she had to wonder why that was? no matter how she cajoled him, willed him to speak to her, it all fell on deaf ears. so reliant on words and they were failing her. or was it him that was failing? yes, that had to be it. she told him everything. there wasn’t a thought or a feeling she had that she didnt share with him. and for what? so she could feel like a fool time and time again. so she could provide him with a benign punching bag whenever he felt the need? he didn’t make sense to her any more. he was the one that approached her.every time. and against her better judgement she always relented. and all it got her was anger towards him and herself, a feeling of foolishness, a pain deep within her soul and more questions that she doesn’t have answers for. and that she now realises will remain unanswered.

catefrances

she buried him under piles of ash. as she walked away she resolved to not allow him purchase within her mind. he had already taken too much and she was running on empty. she hated him for the way he made her feel. that he allowed her to come to this point of self denial in order to survive. her skin was marked with everything she felt for him and if she ever doubted, all she had to do was push her sleeves to her elbows to see. it didnt have to end this way and she certainly wasnt the pilot of this expedition. so cautious but not cautious enough. always giving him the benefit of the doubt even when she knew better. she held him too close and too tight. he treated her with disdain and an absolute lack of respect. she didnt deserve what he gave her. but she loved him so she allowed it. but not anymore. she was broken. he ahd finally broken her and no amount of superglue or sticking plaster was going to make her better. she would carry the wound with pride and curse the fact that she knew he still drew breath upon this earth.