no words left

catefrances

snow falling down on the spires of st. jerome’s
cats pawing through the rubbish cans in the laneway
and i thought of the end and how your open palm couldn’t hold my heart
standing at the window watching as the whole word parades its filth
and knowing how easily I could just slip from its hold
too often i reached out for you only to find myself alone
and your absence made my heart grow harder
and i chide myself for staying this long knowing how incapable you were
the tea in my cup has turned cold but i drink it anyway
i cant feel you anymore cause you just stand there watching me, no longer reaching out to me
the desperation i felt for you holds me like a glove
and i hate what ive become because of it and can no longer handle it and damn you for thinking that i could or even should
i saw you at your worst and though it wasnt the worst ive ever seen, the disrespect i felt surely was


i close the door behind me and find myself walking aimlessly along streets under cover of darkness
its all i can do to keep from remembering youre not here
sirens in the distance have me thinking of that night
and how part of me wished you had died so the grief i feel now would have a purpose
the love and anger sit side by side and i know which one is winning even if you don’t care
the lamp posts in the park light pockets of grass and i wonder whats in between
walking along the lighted path towards the road on the other side feels like a trip to the gallows
the nothingness i know awaits at the other end and the spectacle of self combustion
it no longer matters to me the reasons why cause all your words ring hollow
and we both seem to want something that’s so far out of reach, denial seems the only tangible thing

catefrances

i walk among the headstones touching my fingers to centuries old sandstone and thinking about the lives those souls had led
birds high in the figs sing an elegy as i step over the roots of majesty and i have to wonder if they are singing it for me
thoughts flicker in my mind but the one constant is you. it is always you.
i feel you inside me and the darkness that envelopes me blinds me to it all
the sun filters through the leaves and i walk deeper into the sleeping ground
sometimes i smile sometimes the pain stabs me soemtimes i forget what it was like without you
but what i will never forget is that you are no longer with me
for someone who took such risks with his life i cant quite grasp the way you became so guarded with me
momentarily lost in thought i turn at the sounds of crunching gravel and see a cortege that could be carrying my last breath but isnt.