The Cutting of the Elm

dontgimmenolip

I put this together last night on the spur of the moment. Any thoughts, comments or suggestions will be appreciated.

The Cutting of the Elm

I sprouted from the stump of a broken
tree. Fertilized by absence and full-contact
discipline, passed over for cocaine and sluts,
and left to water myself for looking
too much like my roots.

Blown by gale-force insecurity, measured
in the shadow of the closest sapling, finally
grafted to an unwavering trunk, and foliating.

No Templars were charged with guarding this sion
after the cutting of the elm, so I had to temper
my bark with tears, but every scar is an open mouth
shouting its biography to each passing leaf.

J. Noszek

pearlmutt

"No Templars were charged with guarding this sion
after the cutting of the elm, so I had to temper
my bark with tears, but every scar is an open mouth
shouting its biography to each passing leaf."

There so much going on in this stanza that it's almost difficult to read.

I don't know what a sion is and I'm guesing that's important -- my fault not yours.

I looked it up and all I see is variant of Zion.

So you mean like the knights of templar? Okay, so now I'm getting it -- the crusades / guarding Zion -- And I think sion is a good choice instead of Zion because of the sound effect -- templar(s), thi(s), (s)ion

I really like: Templar and temper / the sounds are good -- it's interesting becuase the "m" sound make the poem read softly, but the image isn't soft at all, the scarred open mouth that's shouting

So why the religious imagery? I could make a leap here . . . the cross is made of wood, a tree, so on, but I think that would be very assumptive

I would love to hear your analysis of it.

dontgimmenolip

pearlmutt wrote:

"No Templars were charged with guarding this sion
after the cutting of the elm, so I had to temper
my bark with tears, but every scar is an open mouth
shouting its biography to each passing leaf."

There so much going on in this stanza that it's almost difficult to read.

I don't know what a sion is and I'm guesing that's important -- my fault not yours.

I looked it up and all I see is variant of Zion.

So you mean like the knights of templar? Okay, so now I'm getting it -- the crusades / guarding Zion -- And I think sion is a good choice instead of Zion because of the sound effect -- templar(s), thi(s), (s)ion

I really like: Templar and temper / the sounds are good -- it's interesting becuase the "m" sound make the poem read softly, but the image isn't soft at all, the scarred open mouth that's shouting

So why the religious imagery? I could make a leap here . . . the cross is made of wood, a tree, so on, but I think that would be very assumptive

I would love to hear your analysis of it.

Thanks for the feedback.

Well, first of all, I used the wrong spelling of "sion", it should have been "scion" which means either of the following (courtesy of dictionary.com):

1. A descendant or heir.
2. also ci·on (sn) A detached shoot or twig containing buds from a woody plant, used in grafting

Let me edit and repost with the correct word, I wrote the piece while I was starting to get drowsy, so I'm lucky it came out coherent and it would make more sense with the right word in place.

The Templar reference is the result of some reading I've been doing lately. There is a theory that they were charged with guarding a very important bloodline. I should also mention that even though I sometimes use religious imagery, I am not a religious person.

I would like to get some more feedback before I ruin this poem by subjecting it to self-analysis. I hope you understand.

Here's the poem with the proper wording.

The Cutting of the Elm

I sprouted from the stump of a broken
tree. Fertilized by absence and full-contact
discipline, passed over for cocaine and sluts,
and left to water myself for looking
too much like my roots.

Blown by gale-force insecurity, measured
in the shadow of the closest sapling, finally
grafted to an unwavering trunk, and foliating.

No Templars were charged with guarding this scion
after the cutting of the elm, so I had to temper
my bark with tears, but every scar is an open mouth
shouting its biography to each passing leaf.

Justin Noszek

pearlmutt

okay that changes my impression of the line I was having a problem with (it's actually the best line in the poem)

My impression then is this, it's layered which I love -- and your images are tight all the way through.

there's the child/ family layer
and the tree layer

(it makes me think of a reverse Giving Tree by the great good, god of poems -- Shel Silverstein)

I might tinker some more with the last stanza, and that would be in my most knit-pickety mood. Seems like the speaker "I" is stepping in and out of human persona and the personified tree persona.



"I would like to get some more feedback before I ruin this poem by subjecting it to self-analysis. I hope you understand."

It is your poem, so I would be a very poor reader if I didn't understand

I appreciate what you provided; it helped me to better understand the poem

dontgimmenolip

pearlmutt wrote:

okay that changes my impression of the line I was having a problem with (it's actually the best line in the poem)

My impression then is this, it's layered which I love -- and your images are tight all the way through.

there's the child/ family layer
and the tree layer

(it makes me think of a reverse Giving Tree by the great good, god of poems -- Shel Silverstein)

I might tinker some more with the last stanza, and that would be in my most knit-pickety mood. Seems like the speaker "I" is stepping in and out of human persona and the personified tree persona.



"I would like to get some more feedback before I ruin this poem by subjecting it to self-analysis. I hope you understand."

It is your poem, so I would be a very poor reader if I didn't understand

I appreciate what you provided; it helped me to better understand the poem

I appreciate your critique. Very kind words. And I hope you know that I was being self-deprecating, and not implying that you are a poor reader.

I will reveal that I was letting the "I" step in and out of the tree persona to show that they are the same.

Again, thank you. I am open to any other thoughts from other readers as well.

Justin

ISN

it's an interesting poem.....but I think you mix up to many images.....I like the the tree/lineage, but too many metaphors are getting mixed up......but still it's very good, and extremely interesting....scion is a word we don't come across very often, and it's a good choice (sion is quite shocking in itself)......I think you really need to sort out the images, but as a kind of example of a poem that jars you with a mix of images, and piques yoru interest, it's good......welcome.....

pearlmutt

"not implying that you are a poor reader."

thanks.

Sometimes I am a god awful reader though; I'll just get that out there up front. I'll read something so fast and make a first impression that's just off, way off

I liked that your poem made me slow down and really think about what you were expressing.

ISN

I think you underestimate yoruself.....I've seen yoru comments.....and narry a problemo.....lo9ng live pearlmutt!!!!!!

dontgimmenolip

ISN wrote:

it's an interesting poem.....but I think you mix up to many images.....I like the the tree/lineage, but too many metaphors are getting mixed up......but still it's very good, and extremely interesting....scion is a word we don't come across very often, and it's a good choice (sion is quite shocking in itself)......I think you really need to sort out the images, but as a kind of example of a poem that jars you with a mix of images, and piques yoru interest, it's good......welcome.....

I appreciate the suggestion. But I'm not sure how to lay the images out differently. I kinda let the poem write itself.