"Homeless and Pregnant, in dire need."

votegirl

This is the first draft of a poem based on my true story. It is only the first draft, so I welcome any suggestions. It is meant to be a narrative. I usually object to writing rhyming poetry, but I felt this was an appropriate use.

---

Woke up that morning with a dream,
bridge overhead, I folded my bed
and put the dream in my pocket, sight unseen
took a free shower, all fresh all clean.

Sat at my post, cardboard sign.
The baby in my body, alive, divine.
"Homeless and Pregnant, in dire need."
Cardboard works wonders to silence my plead.

Click Your tongues and walk away,
You know this may be you someday.
Can’t buy food for a hungry soul.
A smile isn’t nourishment for an empty bowl.

And then he appeared, his name was Bill
dozens of questions my answers would fill.
He took out an envelope, and filled it with hope.
I put it in my pocket, with my dream alongside,
Threw away the sign, excitement I couldn’t hide.

How do you thank someone for changing your life?
Before all I knew was the pain and the strife.
Extreme human kindness this man has shown.
The dream he made possible, I now have a home.

Goulet

my suggestion would be to get rid of teh rhymed lines because it makes teh poem as a whole sound forced, as if you're just writing the poem to use the rhyming words, which you obviously aren't...also only use the word "dream" once in the first stanza and maybe expand on that dream...what was it, why did you have it, etc...maybe even introduce this in the middle of the poem to expand out from somewhere else...maybe another event during the day reminded you of the dream...that way you can take the reader from a broad life event to a very specific memory/dream sequence adn then take them back out of it in some way...or you could start IN the dream and move out of it into the waking life to give the distinct differences between teh two because the poem obviously revolves around 3 main points of interest...teh dream (which you reveal at the end and should probably introduce sooner adn explain in more detial...maybe even get surreal since dreams atre surreal), being homeless and pregnant, and "Bill" who helps you out...maybe describe "Bill" more or just take him out altogether and just show the dream beside teh real actual life

i don't knwo those are just some suggestions...you definitely have some good images to work with though adn a good premise

votegirl

I know I have alot to work on with this poem...I appreciate your thoughts. I know the rhyming seems forced, I NEVER rhyme my poems for this reason. Ugggh. Anyway, this may take me some time to bring it up to my usual standards. Thanks for your input.

puremagic

Originally posted by votegirl
This is my true story.

Write the story, not the poem. It sounds like you have an inspirational story to tell.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Keep the rhyme and the rhythm. Traditional poetic discourse is masculinist in using rhyme and rhythm, but you use that very form and undercut its suggested "order" (formal and social) by articulating through it your experience of crisis. You know the line "They shut me up in prose?" Men claim "high literature" and push women into prose so that women's experience might not be elevated to the level of a Milton or a Wordsworth. By writing in poetry, in the strict metre and rhyme of male classicism, and by subverting it from within (talking about the fact that society can push young women homeless and pregnant to live under a bridge) you're really challenging the status quo.

Write in traditional schemes. Because the only way you're going to fuck up dominant ideologies is by exploding conventional codes from the core.

Thank you, votegirl. I know where you're coming from. I have friends who were there too. Don't let those people shut you up in prose.
Elevate the word to the poetic level of a Homer. Rewrite "their" canon.

sevensins

i'm gunna fuck up this post unintentionaly with a generic comment, I love it! amazing

Goulet

Originally posted by FinsburyParkCarrots
Keep the rhyme and the rhythm. Traditional poetic discourse is masculinist in using rhyme and rhythm, but you use that very form and undercut its suggested "order" (formal and social) by articulating through it your experience of crisis. You know the line "They shut me up in prose?" Men claim "high literature" and push women into prose so that women's experience might not be elevated to the level of a Milton or a Wordsworth. By writing in poetry, in the strict metre and rhyme of male classicism, and by subverting it from within (talking about the fact that society can push young women homeless and pregnant to live under a bridge) you're really challenging the status quo.

Write in traditional schemes. Because the only way you're going to fuck up dominant ideologies is by exploding conventional codes from the core.

Thank you, votegirl. I know where you're coming from. I have friends who were there too. Don't let those people shut you up in prose.
Elevate the word to the poetic level of a Homer. Rewrite "their" canon.

I think I read this in a book somewhere
the book was written by a man

FinsburyParkCarrots

Julia Kristeva and Helene Cixous must be men too then, eh? LOL

Goulet

Originally posted by FinsburyParkCarrots
Julia Kristeva and Helene Cixous must be men too then, eh? LOL

eventually they will be,
if they know what's good for them.