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My first post here

burnin-candleburnin-candle Posts: 158
edited February 2004 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
I finally got the guts to post here. So please be easy on the comments, and if it sucks, just blame it on the fact that I'm Japanese. lol So here goes, not titled yet.

We could drink cheap wine
And listen to bad music
Laugh about it til the sun goes down
Or cry about whatever when the moon meets us
Hear the waves crash as the streets light up
On the hill where no one sees us
And we'll just lie there..

Oh, you should have stayed
At least for the sunset
It would've looked better
If we were together
You should have stayed

Now I see the sun cast red shadows
On to the grass where you lay
Only my eyes get warmer and moist
And make the scene so blurry, so blue
The waves now only echoe in the distance
And no one's here to speak a word
And I'll just lie here...

You could have stayed
At least for me
It would be better, I know
If we were together
You could have stayed..


It's actually lyrics for a song. But as I wrote them out, it's kinda lame, so ignore if it sucks.....Thanks.
"If hope can grow from dirt like me, it can be done"

If you can't get high on purely music and the sounds that you hear, you're missing out on something.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • lifeisworthlifeisworth Posts: 186
    it doesn't suck and it's far from lame


    very nice :) thank you :)
    Nosotros nunca escuchamos la voz adentro
  • Morbid PoetMorbid Poet Posts: 24
    Originally posted by burnin-candle
    I finally got the guts to post here. So please be easy on the comments,

    we aren't bitchy and mean here.
    your poem was good. it didn't suck, try submitting it
    poetr.com, famouspoets.com, poeticpower.com
    its a bisexual thing

    I moved from the 9th to the 8th circle of hell. Before you know it I will be living in the first cirlce and I will own you.

    Just say NO to Bush.

    Vote Kerry! Save your freedom of speech and other various frredoms!

  • mulacmulac Posts: 97
    this is a really nice poem, it would fit well to music

    i especially like
    Originally posted by burnin-candle

    Now I see the sun cast red shadows
    On to the grass where you lay


    i wanna read more of your stuff

    this is great
    the passenger is life
  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Posts: 12,223
    I especially liked the lines

    Oh, you should have stayed
    At least for the sunset
    It would've looked better
    If we were together
    You should have stayed

    :)
  • burnin-candleburnin-candle Posts: 158
    Wow, you people are too nice! I've never studied poetry, I just write words down, so this sure gives me the confidence to write more. They're usually protest lyrics but sometimes they're sad love song stuff like this.

    Thanks again!
    "If hope can grow from dirt like me, it can be done"

    If you can't get high on purely music and the sounds that you hear, you're missing out on something.
  • Being EnlightenedBeing Enlightened Posts: 5,746
    Originally posted by burnin-candle
    Wow, you people are too nice! I've never studied poetry, I just write words down, so this sure gives me the confidence to write more. They're usually protest lyrics but sometimes they're sad love song stuff like this.

    Thanks again!

    Your poem was delightful! Lovey stuff is great!

    BUT,

    I think it'd be very interesting to see some protest lyrics from you too! :)
    Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
  • SchlitzSchlitz Posts: 141
    I really liked it! Keep sharing!
    i have to remain at top sassiness, even though my inner sass is struggling
  • RM board corruptionRM board corruption Posts: 4
    i think this was awsome, Im not a good speaker or writer, and I have never desired to write poetry, but about 2 months ago,
    I couldnt sleep and I was up till 4 am saying things in my mind, and writing them down, and it was kinda like you wrote.
    I think I wrote what I said somewhere, and was going to post it, but I dont know what happened

    Its nothing special but one of my favorite lines is,
    Its been awhile since I seen the way the candles light your face, I think you guys all know who that is....

    for me just it was the same thing except it was the "street lights glare on your face" it was like time stopped right at this moment,
    and thats the one thing I will always see, was this exact time,
    anyway FUCK HER, ahahaha
  • xmascleanlovexmascleanlove Posts: 55
    i could swear i've seen some of these lines in a booklet for one of the albums...not all of them...but the sunrise stuff...it sounds familiar...did you use them as a starting point?

    and don't ever worry about posting on here...i think this is the easiest way to work up courage to share your work...we're all friendly artists trying to help each other out...

    props to you...good job
    if you're a pot smoker and you don't own a ukulele you're fuckin up...but then once you get a ukulele you might end up moving to a guitar because its a gateway instrument you know
    ~ EV 6/25/03
  • BuruBuru Posts: 8,473
    Originally posted by xmascleanlove
    i could swear i've seen some of these lines in a booklet for one of the albums...not all of them...but the sunrise stuff...it sounds familiar...did you use them as a starting point?

    and don't ever worry about posting on here...i think this is the easiest way to work up courage to share your work...we're all friendly artists trying to help each other out...

    props to you...good job

    sounds like the lovely poem in Vitalogy, about staying for the sunset if not for me,
    lovely words...

    liked the poem!
    y la banda de Guille... cuando toca?
  • burnin-candleburnin-candle Posts: 158
    Originally posted by Buru
    sounds like the lovely poem in Vitalogy, about staying for the sunset if not for me,
    lovely words...

    liked the poem!

    oooo, you guys are on the spot! lol

    Yeah, I just thought that little poem in the Vitalogy booklet was so beautiful, I used it as an inspiration. Don't sue me for stealing, though!!! lol

    Alright I'm gonna post some protest lyrics soon.

    Cheers!
    "If hope can grow from dirt like me, it can be done"

    If you can't get high on purely music and the sounds that you hear, you're missing out on something.
  • setaside2setaside2 Posts: 1,084
    alright so I'm the late one.

    welcome welcome welcome. LOL

    and bring us more.

    I liked swaying while reading your first one up there.. it has movement.
    I'm stepping in front of the gushing hydrant in a hurricane. I'd like to see the traction I keep.
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