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Only myself...

marcus77marcus77 Posts: 41
edited May 2004 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
A list of betrayers,
Tattooed in my mind.
Atrocities piled up,
Torturing me in kind.

Can I feel something else,
Or is this all that I'm allowed?
I don't want to feel if it is,
Kill my emotions somehow.

I get so lonely sometimes,
I have no idea what to do.
No one has been able to help me,
So why do I want someone to?

I hate waking up in this world,
Feeling like people only tolerate me.
I want someone to want me,
Someone to love and need me.

All this pain and self loathing,
Where did I get it all from?
Was it from a mother who ignored me,
Or a father whom abandoned the world?

Love was a wonderful thing I felt,
The world was a beautiful place.
Now the ray of sunshine is gone,
No longer blinded and now so cold.

Feeling sorry for myself,
I'm the only one that does.
I'm the only one who can,
I'm the only one who cares.

I must be a horrible person,
I constantly assure myself,
No one wants me around,
This world is my personal hell.

I look into the mirror,
I have no idea who's the stranger.
I know that it can't be me,
I'm nothing but a monster.

So go ahead and shut me out,
Everyone does at some time.
I'll still go on with my life,
On my own as only mine.
"So i'll just lie alone and wait for the dream,
where i'm not ugly and your lookin' at me."
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • Obi OnceObi Once Posts: 918
    i dont wanna sound like dr. Phil or something but hatred in the long run is a loss of emotion, the world is a weird place, n all feel alone in it (at least at times), even when surrounded by thousands, self loathing isnt the way to go, esp. when parents are a cause of it. U are NOT ur genes..
    your light's reflected now
  • coleencoleen Posts: 938
    i really enjoy what you've been posting.

    listen - even when someone hurts us, we have to stay open to the possibility of love or else it may never find us. its hard, i know its hard - but i still believe and i hope you will too.

    btw, i obi - i am learning the hard way to agree with what you wrote up there. save yourself some time marcus and listen to obi. :)
  • marcus77marcus77 Posts: 41
    I'm only 26 and have been single for over 5 years now. My mom lost her mind before I was even born, use to tell me that she hated me, and has not been in my life for the past 3 years. After finally reconcilling with my father, he killed himself back in '99. Almost everyone else I've loved or even cared for has hurt or abandoned me. It's hard not to feel the way I do sometimes. I'm lucky that I'm not doped up on "happy pills" or suicidal. But thank you for reading my poem and commenting.
    "So i'll just lie alone and wait for the dream,
    where i'm not ugly and your lookin' at me."
  • YellowYellow Posts: 699
    it is hard
    and you are lucky

    :)


    peace to you
    It's all yellow.


  • coleencoleen Posts: 938
    you and i have a few things in common marcus - so to some extent i can imagine how you are probably feeling sometimes. its hard, no matter the reasons behind it - just try to remember that as long as there is life there is hope. thats all i meant in my silly roundabout way to say. :)
  • WernyWerny Posts: 63
    I hear ya...

    Lastnight my Mum was drunk as hell (and that's drunk) and decided that she was going to drive out of town to her friend's place... I stopped her, then she got angry and said "fine, I'll get a taxi, is that alright?". I think I saved her life.

    ---

    My Mum had a boyfriend (who's name is... yep you guessed it, Matt Cameron), and me and him really got along. He was the closest thing I ever had to a father, seriously. But he would always say "you'd be lost without me wouldn't you Joel?", and he was right, he really opened my eyes to the world.

    Then when Mum went to his place uninvited the other week to see his friend (with whom she was really good friends with), pissed of course, and he cracked a massive shit and yelled her out.

    The next day she put a letter in his letterbox telling him how she felt. She got a text message the next day saying something like "no, I don't want to even open it".

    So apparently she was always trying to stop the relationship, but he kept it going.

    Do you get it? "You'd be lost without me wouldn't you Joel?"

    THE FUCKING C*NT USED ME TO STAY WITH MUM!!! Oh the language I could use without the presence of ladies. This is made more obvious by the fact that he hasn't talked to me to apologize or anything, and I lent him my The Crow DVD and he refuses to give it back.

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! He needs a good boot up the arse. No, not on his arse, but actually UP THE FUCKING HOLE!!!

    ---

    So, I'm in the shits right now aswell. I was a tool to get to my Mum.
    This puke stinks like beer, and everybody's here, so come on come on come on, let's lay waste to this Century...
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