Looking for some feedback from y'all
partingways
Posts: 20
Talk About
Words in my head, returned
as did my walking feet to the ground.
Truths never to be said
and never are returned.
Static.......but.......only
Talk about how there
would be no moonlite.
Then, seerate individual thughts
of how uncomfortable thinking of the future is.
As the sunset passed and dusk was long forgotten,
there was only this darkness.
I needed to tell you-
that light is you-
that light is beautiful.
I couldn't move.
I couldnt dance.
I wouldnt leave.
Not without the moon.
This is a prose I wrote about not connecting with someone I know so well all of a sudden. Anbt feed back would be much appreciated
thanks pw
Words in my head, returned
as did my walking feet to the ground.
Truths never to be said
and never are returned.
Static.......but.......only
Talk about how there
would be no moonlite.
Then, seerate individual thughts
of how uncomfortable thinking of the future is.
As the sunset passed and dusk was long forgotten,
there was only this darkness.
I needed to tell you-
that light is you-
that light is beautiful.
I couldn't move.
I couldnt dance.
I wouldnt leave.
Not without the moon.
This is a prose I wrote about not connecting with someone I know so well all of a sudden. Anbt feed back would be much appreciated
thanks pw
for every tool they lend us......a loss of independence.
American Deaths
Since war began (3/19/03): 2314
Lisa Simpson: "Principal Skinner all you are doing is stealing"
Principal Skinner: "Welcome to Dick Cheneys' America, Lisa"
American Deaths
Since war began (3/19/03): 2314
Lisa Simpson: "Principal Skinner all you are doing is stealing"
Principal Skinner: "Welcome to Dick Cheneys' America, Lisa"
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
~~~
I Waited All Day
I waited all day.
You waited all day..
But you left before sunset..
And I just wanted to tell you
The moment was beautiful.
Just wanted to dance to bad music
Drive bad cars..
Watch bad TV..
Should have stayed for the sunset..
If not for me.
~~~
This is what I was reminded of by your poem.
As for yours... I think the first half is a little choppy but has promise. Almost sounds like English is a second language.
Second half is quality. Quality, I tell you. Could even stand alone as the entire poem. I like it that way. Yesh.
I'm fond of:
Die on a hilltop
eyeing the crows
waiting for your lids to close.
But you want to watch as they eat your flesh.
Ironic they go for the eyes first.
Prolly not verbatim since I'm going from memory and oreos.
American Deaths
Since war began (3/19/03): 2314
Lisa Simpson: "Principal Skinner all you are doing is stealing"
Principal Skinner: "Welcome to Dick Cheneys' America, Lisa"
Good job, Radar. You rule. After I posted that, I thought "OK, this is a poetry board for PJ nuts. Won't take long for this one to get answered."
Quite possible, my friend. It's pretty easy to get carried away. Another poster put one of their poems on here asking for advice, and they had the same problem of trying to say too much.
It's all good. Easily fixed (at least I think so).
Word!