memory poem for class

KwyjiboKwyjibo Posts: 662
edited February 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
This is the first draft, the first to stanzas are like, and acronym or something. I also still need to work out how I'm going to take care of some tense stuff.

Brilliant moonlight shivered across the snow
rivers of footprints rippled from door to door,
imprints of kittens’ feet, only inches deep.
air between our shoulders; thousands of frozen flecks.
never did we say a word, as we blindly walked to fate,
nor could I look over at you. The air froze my every word
everywhere they dropped and shattered, but never reached your ears.

Saturday I’ll leave this place, never to return,
always I’ll remember this walk–and its absence of any words.
violently I want to shake you–to break you from this cursèd spell of silence,
and yet my steps stay rigid; each sinew frozen forward.
god! We’re almost there already! My last chance to speak is soon.
everyone has grown to love you, but none quite like I do.

Snowflakes land softly in your brittle hair,
they don’t seem to melt–they remain there.
Frost-laden grass bends and cracks beneath our feet–
shoe soles can’t melt it, and neither can we.
The stars and moon show a perfect light,
and suddenly I can’t look away from your eyes.
With such still serenity they gleam and entrance,
I try to look down, or up, but I just can’t.
My lips start to move, but only frozen mist escapes
the groan in my throat seems to freeze in place.

The wisps of your hair, as you disappear
back into the snowflakes, frozen falling tears.
I couldn’t tell you that you saved my life,
and so you disappeared–into the bitter night.
The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • coleencoleen Posts: 938
    brilliant.

    i think that so many of us have those types of moments where every cell inside of us wants to say/do something, realizes the urgency if we remain silent and yet somehow we just fail to open up for whatever reason.

    i don't think i've read a more skillful and enrapturing description of one such moment in a long while.
  • KwyjiboKwyjibo Posts: 662
    thank you coleen :D

    I hope my professor likes it.
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    I liked it.....there's really a feeling of love (rather than teh lust for which you are known).....teh other party/object seems adored.....and you've obviously dredged up some deep feelings from somewhere......I like teh way her hair is brittle and teh snow doesn't melt in it.......I'd like to be able to write a peom about teh one I used to love......which had such intensity :)
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • KwyjiboKwyjibo Posts: 662
    thanks ISN

    I didn't realize I was known for writing about lust :p
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
  • Beautiful flow as always oreo-god
    Brilliant Imagery :)

    YUM!
    Rarghstarfarian.
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