Lonely in Dream Town

KwyjiboKwyjibo Posts: 662
edited April 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
I am lonely in dream town
gentle devil doing my rounds
swerving past the drunken bores--
smirking at the sound of the storm
the big gong splash, flies by my ear
"I'm your huckleberry." come right here.

The orange obdurate moaning shell.
the vermilion piece of eternal Hell
frantic mother of Satan's son,
who plays in liquid, surely blood.
ptarmigan feather, in his coarse hair
I see his red eyes, through the black veil

I continue down the street
and each light pops to greet
me with the darness I deserve
for it my anonymity stays preserved.
The itch inside their mortal souls
I scratch with my tongue of lies.
The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    it's a fukkin brilliant peom....Kwyjibo....!!!! congratulats.....!!!!!
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • KwyjiboKwyjibo Posts: 662
    oh, I should of explained. We were given a specific set of words to choose from and a specific pattern to follow.
    its really hard.
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    was 'I'm your Huckleberry' one of the set phrases...? hehehehheeh
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • KwyjiboKwyjibo Posts: 662
    no, but Huckleberry was one of the words

    and "I'm your Huckleberry" is actually from the movie tombstone.

    Doc Holiday is a badass
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
  • KwyjiboKwyjibo Posts: 662
    I edited it a whole bunch after I posted it here:

    am lonely in dream town
    with gentle devil doing his rounds
    and swerving past the drunken bores
    while smirking at the sound of the storm.
    The big gong splash flies by my ear
    and “I’m your Huckleberry” sir, just steer.

    This orange obdurate moaning shell
    is vermilion pieces of eternal Hell
    for frantic mother of Satan's son
    who plays in liquid, surely blood.
    Ptarmigan feather, in his coarse hair
    that shadows red eyes like a veil.

    I resume down the starlit street
    and each night-light pops to greet
    me with the darkness I deserve, and
    for it my anonymity stays preserved.
    I scratch the itch inside these dreaming
    Souls with sweet, perfect, false dreams.
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    I do prefer the second version.....I might copy it in an email to my Johnny Texan.....cos his favourite film is Tombstone.....I think I will.....I wonder whether he'll pick up on it.......ah, yes, riverboats....how do you steer those fukkers.....the only one I ever bin on was in Disneyland........but I guess they (Tom and Huck) were just on a few planks strung together......sometimes I feel like I'm sailing through life on a few planks strung together.....row row row your boat gently down the stream....merrily merrily merrily merrily....ily....life is but a dream......(my son's second favourite song).......
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • coleencoleen Posts: 938
    i didn't think i could enjoy this poem more until you posted the revision. :D
  • Ms. HaikuMs. Haiku Posts: 7,265
    The last line threw me a little in the first post, but overall I think it had more hooks for me as a reader in it. More hooks on the tongue or how the mind reads the poem. Are you willing to post the words you had to use so that we could try our hand at it? Thanks!
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • please do keep writing for us to read. you have an amazing talent. i envy your ablility to make me feel not worthy!
    "If it takes my whole life, I won't break I won't bend."
    -S. McLachlan
  • KwyjiboKwyjibo Posts: 662
    The main reason for the changes I made in the poem were because the assignment I was attempting had a rule that I missed about endstops and about run-on lines and stuff. If i were to revise this poem w/out the constraints of the assignment it would probably be some combination of the two previous posts.
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
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