Another poem for class

Kwyjibo
Kwyjibo Posts: 662
edited February 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
This one had to present a character among other things

Forgotten Photograph


Cigarette smoke, still clinging to his clothes.
Whiskey and vodka, still burning in his throat.
Temporary solutions, to a permanent problem.

He crawls into bed,
still wearing his clothes.
A light blinks off in the distance.
He’s wearing three layers,
but he’s still cold.

Broken bottles all over the floor.
Picture frames shattered;
from their all-out war.
As he rummages through the glass,
brown, stained with red,
He sees that old picture of them,
and the back of it said,

"take this with you and don't forget me
it will keep you warm, and you won't miss me
I will be in your heart forever, so be quiet and kiss me"

So he wipes off the grime,
and sticks it in his wallet,
next to a picture that would make her cry–
if she ever saw it.
The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • soundgrunger
    soundgrunger Posts: 218
    i like this a lot!!
    there are parts i found to be particularly poignant:
    "Temporary solutions, to a permanent problem."
    and "He’s wearing three layers, but he’s still cold."
    but i think the whole poem works really well, great job, keep rockin :)
  • blueintheface
    blueintheface Posts: 153
    i enjoyed this poem very much. i'm not really sure what it is about it, but it really gets to me thinking. very well written. thank you
    "be a philosopher but, amid all your philosophy, be first a man" - david hume

    Mitch Hedberg- RIP 1968-2005. your jokes have laughed me through a lot. I thank you.
  • Music For Rhinos
    Music For Rhinos Posts: 1,693
    Love it...minor suggestion:

    change last line to "If ever she saw it"

    Just a tiny switch but I think it sounds better.
  • coleen
    coleen Posts: 938
    *sigh*

    methinks my eyes are a bit misty after that one.

    keep them coming. :)
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,389
    Would you like me to respond to this poem as if I we were in the same class, and we were critique-ing each other's poetry? If yes, then I'll put comments here and there you could take or leave.
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Kwyjibo
    Kwyjibo Posts: 662
    na, thats ok bibliobella, I get a lot of feedback from my classmates. Thanks for the offer tho :)
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
  • kurtdiedforyoursins
    kurtdiedforyoursins Posts: 149
    test test test test
    san diego 5.20.95 (watt+ed) . san diego 11.7.95 . oakland 11.18.97 (stones) . san diego 7.10.98 . las vegas 7.11.98 . san diego 10.25.00 . san diego 6.5.03 . seattle 4.9.04 (impact awards) . san diego 7.7.06 . san diego 4.15.08 (ed) . san diego 4.16.08 (ed) . honolulu 7.1.09 (ed) . honolulu 7.2.09 (ed) . los angeles 10.1.09 . san diego 10.9.09 . san diego 7.5.11 (ed) . seattle 7.16.11 (ed)

Categories