I like this concept, but I'm having trouble making it work

Kwyjibo
Kwyjibo Posts: 662
edited March 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
open for suggestions

you're walking down the stairwell
with your books under your arm
You've got a ginger little step
and you're graceful like a swan
you bite your lip--you're nervous
but I mean you no harm
Your nimble little fingertips
press into my palm

And all at once a thousand voices
murmur in your heart
they pulse in like a tidal wave
and overcome your thoughts
I look at you--you look away
and I realize you're lost

Your walking down the stairwell
with your books under your arm
should I go up and talk to you
or stay here--and lose you before you're lost
The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • ISN
    ISN Posts: 1,700
    just a suggestion, but 'graceful like a swan' is kinda....ya know.....mebbe....grace like radiant dawn......instead
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • Kwyjibo
    Kwyjibo Posts: 662
    cool...

    I wanted to keep the rhyme pattern slanting down... and that was all I could think of.

    I knew "graceful like a swan" was kind of cliche, but its all I had.

    good suggestion
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
  • ISN
    ISN Posts: 1,700
    even better.....'grace like hesitant dawn....' as she's a foal.....
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......

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