Unoriginal

likepilateihaveadog

I was in the kitchen today
it was a funny thing
thinking of you
as per usual
about to turn the radio off
head upstairs
black came on
and I sat down
(turned it up)
just to listen to this song
which I had heard a million times before
but never in this light
and the sun
thinking of you

And how unoriginal and ironic was it
this realization
that you're a star in everyone's sky
and mine too
but not like that
not reflecting
only burning in my eyes
most of the day
maybe it's overreacting
but you're so far away

Perhaps
at that same moment in time
you were thinking of me
listening to U
or something like that
I smile now at the thought
cringe for writing it down
thinking that might be possible
waiting, hoping, smiling
while I had
given up
down here, so far away
and so lonely
looking out the window of my kitchen
listening to an old radio
on which this certainly had happened before
at least in my imagination

And how unoriginal
that all this happened to us?

To me
at least
today

pacifier

I like this. I feel myself believing with you that she was listening to U. Just because something is unoriginal doesn't make it less important, less powerful or less meaningful to the one who is experiencing it. Where did that idea ever come from?

depopulationINC

likepilateihaveadog wrote:

I was in the kitchen today
it was a funny thing
thinking of you
as per usual
about to turn the radio off
head upstairs
black came on
and I sat down
(turned it up)
just to listen to this song
which I had heard a million times before
but never in this light
and the sun
thinking of you

And how unoriginal and ironic was it
this realization
that you're a star in everyone's sky
and mine too
but not like that
not reflecting
only burning in my eyes
most of the day
maybe it's overreacting
but you're so far away

Perhaps
at that same moment in time
you were thinking of me
listening to U
or something like that
I smile now at the thought
cringe for writing it down
thinking that might be possible
waiting, hoping, smiling
while I had
given up
down here, so far away
and so lonely
looking out the window of my kitchen
listening to an old radio
on which this certainly had happened before
at least in my imagination

And how unoriginal
that all this happened to us?

To me
at least
today

Hmm, good read, thanks for sharing

DopeBeastie

likepilateihaveadog wrote:

I was in the kitchen today
it was a funny thing
thinking of you
as per usual
about to turn the radio off
head upstairs
black came on
and I sat down
(turned it up)
just to listen to this song
which I had heard a million times before
but never in this light
and the sun
thinking of you

And how unoriginal and ironic was it
this realization
that you're a star in everyone's sky
and mine too
but not like that
not reflecting
only burning in my eyes
most of the day
maybe it's overreacting
but you're so far away

Perhaps
at that same moment in time
you were thinking of me
listening to U
or something like that
I smile now at the thought
cringe for writing it down
thinking that might be possible
waiting, hoping, smiling
while I had
given up
down here, so far away
and so lonely
looking out the window of my kitchen
listening to an old radio
on which this certainly had happened before
at least in my imagination

And how unoriginal
that all this happened to us?

To me
at least
today

I think this is lovely. You could edit out a few superfluous words, like "per" in line 4, and "all" in line 43. And, you can flesh out the thought in lines 7-9 (not everyone knows PJ). The third stanza, beginning with "I smile now at the thought" needs a little work. To say "I smile now..." is a bit cliche'd ~ but most of this poem stays well away from that, the worst of poetic "oopsies". All in all, your wording is sound and original.... regardless of the poem's title .

Good work.

likepilateihaveadog

pacifier wrote:

I like this. I feel myself believing with you that she was listening to U. Just because something is unoriginal doesn't make it less important, less powerful or less meaningful to the one who is experiencing it. Where did that idea ever come from?

Well...i kind of thought out this whole thing in my mind...
then jsut rehashed it and wrote it down...

kind of a filtered stream of consciousness...

The unoriginal thing just came from listening to the radio...thinking about all the songs all day long about this kind of stuff and not that it isn't important, but just that I'm growing up and all these songs that never really meant anything are starting to.
So, unoriginal more in the sense that I thought songs were songs and life was life but life really does imitate art...imitating life...
argh

likepilateihaveadog

PastaNazi wrote:

I think this is lovely. You could edit out a few superfluous words, like "per" in line 4, and "all" in line 43. And, you can flesh out the thought in lines 7-9 (not everyone knows PJ). The third stanza, beginning with "I smile now at the thought" needs a little work. To say "I smile now..." is a bit cliche'd ~ but most of this poem stays well away from that, the worst of poetic "oopsies". All in all, your wording is sound and original.... regardless of the poem's title .

Good work.

Thank you.

yeah, I'm no poet, but like I said, it all just came to me, these little droplets of thought, and I just wnet through the whole line of them until my brain was done with it and then went upstairs and wrote it down.

Figured I'd share...

have to try again someday...

DopeBeastie

i think if you said, "yeah... i AM a poet" nobody could say you were wrong

they might think you were stuck up, lol... but they'd not be able to argue

there is art, mirroring life.
some mirrors are warped, or still not solid
but i think this one's pretty good


cheers,

Rachel

likepilateihaveadog

PastaNazi wrote:

i think if you said, "yeah... i AM a poet" nobody could say you were wrong

they might think you were stuck up, lol... but they'd not be able to argue

there is art, mirroring life.
some mirrors are warped, or still not solid
but i think this one's pretty good


cheers,

Rachel

Thanks as well. Appreciated.

I think a part of it with this one is the anonymity of the internet.

things I'd never say out loud to anyone I know...
that made it just better because it's true, rather than some story I made up.
but here it's no big deal. can you see the real me, can you?
no, I hope not at least...

catefrances

a little slice of life. i like it.

likepilateihaveadog

Not to push any buttons here...
but the new one, Come Back, really captures as well what I was going for here with the story...
I'll be here, come back.


Also, proves my "unoriginal" point if that makes sense to anyone...happens to everyone all the time...

DopeBeastie

likepilateihaveadog wrote:

Thanks as well. Appreciated.

I think a part of it with this one is the anonymity of the internet.

things I'd never say out loud to anyone I know...
that made it just better because it's true, rather than some story I made up.
but here it's no big deal. can you see the real me, can you?
no, I hope not at least...

I think the internet helped me write several pieces. First, knowing it would be read helped a lot... and then the anonymity. But it was wierd. I lost myself in the internet, and started writing about other anonymaniacs in a very dillusional frame of mind.

But this piece doesn't echo any of that. It's so very real, and that's why it's so good. A reader can get closer to the meaning because it's so accessible. And the emotion supporting it is kind and humble. I think something we all appreciate.

likepilateihaveadog

I was in the kitchen today
it was a funny thing
thinking of you
as usual -
about to turn the radio off
and head upstairs -but-
Black came on

I sat down
(turned it up)

To listen to this song
(which) I had heard a million times before
but never in this light
and in the sun
thinking of you

How unoriginal and ironic was it
this realization:

You're a star in everyone's sky

Mine too

- Not like that

Not reflecting
only burning in my eyes
every single day

After day
after day

Maybe it's overreacting
but you're so far away
always

Perhaps
at that same moment in time
you were thinking of me
listening to U...

Or something like that
I smile now at the thought

Cringe for writing it down

Thinking it might be possible
You:
waiting, hoping, smiling

While I had
given up
down here, so far away
so lonely
looking out the window of my kitchen
closing my eyes
biting my lip
wringing my hands

Listening to an old radio
on which this certainly had happened before -
at least in my imagination

And how unoriginal
that all this happened to us?

To me
at least
today

And the next,
And the next,
And the next,
And the next.

likepilateihaveadog

likepilateihaveadog wrote:

I was in the kitchen today
it was a funny thing
thinking of you
as usual -
about to turn the radio off
and head upstairs -but-
Black came on

I sat down
(turned it up)

To listen to this song
(which) I had heard a million times before
but never in this light
and in the sun
thinking of you

How unoriginal and ironic was it
this realization:

You're a star in everyone's sky

Mine too

- Not like that

Not reflecting
only burning in my eyes
every single day

After day
after day

Maybe it's overreacting
but you're so far away
always

Perhaps
at that same moment in time
you were thinking of me
listening to U...

Or something like that
I smile now at the thought

Cringe for writing it down

Thinking it might be possible
You:
waiting, hoping, smiling

While I had
given up
down here, so far away
so lonely
looking out the window of my kitchen
closing my eyes
biting my lip
wringing my hands

Listening to an old radio
on which this certainly had happened before -
at least in my imagination

And how unoriginal
that all this happened to us?

To me
at least
today

And the next,
And the next,
And the next,
And the next.

After writing this last night...I was in the kitchen again tonight making dinner, thinking about her...and Black came on that radio AGAIN.
Not weird that it's on the radio...but it's like my mind wills it.
Fuckin weird.
:(
I can take a hint.....

Felicity

likepilateihaveadog wrote:

Come Back, really captures as well what I was going for here
I'll be here, come back.

that is a very touching song,and you wrote something very endearing 'waiting,hoping,smiling'.....

i can relate.