A Dagger Named Irony

Freethinker

Dagger’s edge is a comfort so soothing
Running up and down the fabric of my being
Leaving its scaring foot prints behind
Your absence left a hole where my dagger lies now
I dare not pull it out
Even when it’s given a twist

Eyes fixed upon the ivory handle
Which bares the reflection of beloved
Marveling at the complexity of pain inflicted
Gazing upon the beauty of its destruction
A victim of its craft I have become

Further into thought I descend
My thoughts betray me still
Vultures preying on the deceased
Yet this dagger holds a place next to my heart
Neighboring essence, how can I deprive?

Sorrow is my child who comes to me
How I wish to bastardize!
To pull this dagger out!
Yet not bleed to death like a pig upon the floor

Irony is the essence of life

BhagavadGita

that was very beautiful.

Radar(Baba)O'Riley

Originally posted by BhagavadGita
that was very beautiful.

Dammit, I was gonna say that.

Freethinker

Thank you both very much. I wasn't sure what kind of response I'd get from this.

keven 33

wow that's great did you write it out of creativity
or you just trying to send someone a message

keep it up

Freethinker

I wrote it out of emense sorrow that won't leave. I was overwhelmed with it one night and either I'd get really wasted or get it all out. Since I did not have any alchohol...I wrote this.
Instead of destroying something(my brain)I decided to create something. Its nice to create something beautiful out of something so painful. Its kind of like pissing in the face of sorrow.
Thank you for your generous reply. ~Peace & Much Love~D

BhagavadGita

Originally posted by Radar(Baba)O'Riley
Dammit, I was gonna say that.

HAhahahahah

llllllooooolygagger!

BhagavadGita

Originally posted by Freethinker
I wrote it out of emense sorrow that won't leave. I was overwhelmed with it one night and either I'd get really wasted or get it all out. Since I did not have any alchohol...I wrote this.
Instead of destroying something(my brain)I decided to create something. Its nice to create something beautiful out of something so painful. Its kind of like pissing in the face of sorrow.
Thank you for your generous reply. ~Peace & Much Love~D

You are so right. it is like the feeling you get AFTER you have thrown up and AFTER you blow your nose and brush your teeth, just before you fall asleep after you got back in bed and said to yourself,

boy im glad that's out of the way

Freethinker

Exactly : ). I like this forum a lot. The people here are better. Sevensins recommended it to me. We met on the Zwan.com art forum, and it really sucks. So I came here in hopes that people would understand and appreciate my work. Thanks to all.
~Peace~

Leebeckaye

"a terrible beauty is born..."
Freethinker, your poem is touching. I've known that feeling.

Keep writing!

Freethinker

Thank you Leebeckaye : ). I appreciate the encouragement and I'm glad that it touched you. Thats what its all about for me sharing it with all of you, just hoping that it reaches someone. Art is powerful, creating is power, to pass that power on...its godlike. Thank you. ~peace~

Freethinker

I decided rewrite this piece. I thought I could make it more powerful. Please tell me what you think. Is it an improvement or not?


"A Dagger Named Irony"

Dagger’s edge is a comfort so seductively soothing
Running up and down the fabric of my being
Leaving its scathing foot prints behind
Your absence left a hole where my dagger lies
Dare not to pull from its home
Fore it would be missed even more

Eyes fixed upon a mirrored handle
Which bares the reflection of beloved
Marveling at the complexity of pain inflicted
Gazing upon the beauty of its destruction
Now a victim of its craft
Tainted by its foreign presence

Further into thought descending
Thoughts betray the mind still
Leaches seeking the decaying mind of the deceased
Yet this dagger holds a place next to my heart
Neighboring essence, how can I deprive?

Longing to bastardize this child in arms
To send walking alone among puddles home
Wishing to grasp this dagger and toss to the floor
Yet dreading the red liquid flow that follows

Irony is the essence of life

Radar(Baba)O'Riley

I like the first version better. More immediate, more spontaneous. The language is more powerful, easier to feel. I did like the mirrored handle better than an ivory one since the next line mentions the reflection. Then again the ivory handle's reflection could connote how cloudy your senses have become, how muddled and muddied. "The vultures preying on the deceased" makes you sound more like a victim than "Leeches seeking the decaying mind of the deceased." If victimization is what you're going for. For heaven's sake, you took out the best line: "Dare not pull it out/even when it's given a twist." That screams "OUCH!" That screams the pain you were feeling. Also, the new last stanza doesn't have the visual sickness of the original. And there's also less "you" in the new version. It's more impersonal and attempts to be overly universal. Write about you. If a reader shares your feelings, it will be more rewarding, I think.

coleen

i could go either way on this one - i'm easy to please. but i think that while both are dealing with the same subject, the tone is comlpletely different between the original and the updated version. i also have to agree with radar on this in that the original is much more powerful and the update is more wistful.

ultimately what matters most is the version which rings most truly for what you were looking to express, but as the reader i "felt" the intensity of the dagger most in the original.

BhagavadGita

Originally posted by Radar(Baba)O'Riley
I like the first version better. More immediate, more spontaneous. The language is more powerful, easier to feel. I did like the mirrored handle better than an ivory one since the next line mentions the reflection. Then again the ivory handle's reflection could connote how cloudy your senses have become, how muddled and muddied. "The vultures preying on the deceased" makes you sound more like a victim than "Leeches seeking the decaying mind of the deceased." If victimization is what you're going for. For heaven's sake, you took out the best line: "Dare not pull it out/even when it's given a twist." That screams "OUCH!" That screams the pain you were feeling. Also, the new last stanza doesn't have the visual sickness of the original. And there's also less "you" in the new version. It's more impersonal and attempts to be overly universal. Write about you. If a reader shares your feelings, it will be more rewarding, I think.

I agree with Baba

Freethinker

The first one is more personal. However there are some cliche' lines. Such as giving a dagger a twist, pig bleeding on the floor, and vultures feeding on the deceased. I guess I traded uniqueness, and universiality for a feeling of it being more personal. Thanks for all your opinions! : )

Freethinker

Yes, it is less personal. However, it is more universal. I think its also more creative and less cliche'. I cut out all the cliche' lines if you noticed. Maybe it wasn't a justified trade off, idk. But I hate cliche'...its so...cliche' : ). But anyway, being serious I guess I was just going for originality.