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didn't like that one...tough.... ;)

JerramJerram Posts: 41
edited June 2004 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
screw it....I gotta share....nevermind rejection...here's another for your consumption....




Loves a Little Less

Standing at the corner waiting
For the light to go to green
The rest of them cross
Blurring the urban scene

Though her stillness moves me,
I wonder though the pane
What lightening in the past
makes her fear the coming rain?

Chorus:
The years and tears
Fade the yellow dress
She learns a little more
And loves a little less

Rose-colored glasses
Slowly revert to sand
It started when the first love left,
second left the mark of his right hand

Why play the game when fate’ll win
It always ends the same
Disappointed, disenchanted
Another wasted picture frame

Repeat chorus

So now I’m the one that’s cautious
Approaching with bowed head
Not in reverence but to show
That love’s a promise, not a threat

Repeat chorus

She’s starting to believe
She’s starting to believe
Experience tells her one thing
And that’s what I must deceive
That’s what I must believe…
"I wish I were a messenger and all the news was good" - E.V.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • FancyFacadeFancyFacade Posts: 330
    wow-on this one--good job

    especially like:

    Though her stillness moves me,
    I wonder though the pane
    What lightening in the past
    makes her fear the coming rain?
  • JerramJerram Posts: 41
    bump before bedtime
    "I wish I were a messenger and all the news was good" - E.V.
  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    the poem says so much more.....holds so much more in its lines than is possible.......it seems to tell a story that has a long past and a long future......how can a poem tell more than is in the lines?
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • JerramJerram Posts: 41
    I'm sorry, is that an arguement against songwriting and for Poetry or .....I just didn't understand your comment.

    please clarify...
    thanks
    "I wish I were a messenger and all the news was good" - E.V.
  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    it's brilliant.....I'm saying it's good to be able to say more in a poem than the sum of the words.....
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • JerramJerram Posts: 41
    Oh wow!!! I'm flattered...um that was my intention to do that I wasn't sure how much came through...

    I think we've all been in both positions...the girl on the corner who is jaded, frozen with fear....and the guy looking out the window who can't wait to jump into love...some of us just get stuck

    thanks again
    "I wish I were a messenger and all the news was good" - E.V.
  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    I say JUMP into Love everybody......
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • rriversrrivers Posts: 3,696
    I like this one a lot better. Good job!
    "We're fixed good, lamp-wise."
  • JerramJerram Posts: 41
    Thanks...me too (upon further review) Nickelback...ouch!

    Ok I'll keep writing
    "I wish I were a messenger and all the news was good" - E.V.
  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Posts: 12,223
    I'm hearing music to this, which means there's musicality to the words. The images are clear and the voice is clearly articulated. This piece of work is entertaining, most of all.
  • bambi girlbambi girl Posts: 406
    love it....well done :)
  • rriversrrivers Posts: 3,696
    Originally posted by Jerram
    Thanks...me too (upon further review) Nickelback...ouch!

    Ok I'll keep writing

    Stick at it. You have talent and you take criticism well. Good luck.
    "We're fixed good, lamp-wise."
  • nailz100nailz100 Posts: 1,176
    Do you need some extra vocals for it? Nice job man
    Only with our eyes closed can we truly see
  • JerramJerram Posts: 41
    don't need extra vocals...need vocals period!!! you don't EVEN wanna hear me sing...
    "I wish I were a messenger and all the news was good" - E.V.
  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    I WANNA hear you sing.....I sing like a fukkin mermaid (do u belief me).....hehehehehhee :)
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
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