Tentative new writer...what do ya think

Jerram

So, I've never written before and now in the last 2 weeks I've written 4 songs!! Inspired by PJ, Dylan, Neil Y., patty Griffin (who is an amazing songwriter if you don't know her)

except that I tend to write a little more concrete than those guys but anyway...tell me what you think...is it too wordy?I can't help myself...I just keep writing. Here's a little angry tune directed
at all the bullies/rapists/etc....

Take You Out

Push me to the corner
You think you have the edge
But with my rage upon this page
I’ll cling to this cold ledge

I’ve not been one to fight
I take it all in stride
I’m on the brink, you seem to think
There’s no such thing as pride

Chorus:
With options limited
Instinct will kick in
Its time to take you out
Didn’t have to come to this
You kept pushing it
Its time to take you out


Your agenda seems so clear
Your actions plain to see
The sole intention of this dissention
Is to show the true insecurity

You see your reflection
When you look at this face
Ain’t it scary, seems so very
Odd to stand inside this place

Chorus

So now with roles reversed
You feel the victim’s shame
Except you deserve it, please preserve it
When implored to play your game

With options limited
Instinct will kick in
It was time to take you out
I’m glad it came to this
Thanks for pushing it
It was time to take you out






I just wish I could write melodies to go with...in my head its more like poetry but the occasional melody does pop in.

Sorry...here goes my first offering...its to all the bullies/rapists etc. out there

FancyFacade

i dont want to say anything--it will sound like i think i know everything--only if you want my opinion will i share it

Jerram

...thick skin here...ready for your HONEST opinion...and why please...not just "it sucks" but "your imagery is poor, the direction of the song lacks sense, and it is a rip off of
(name that tune)".....

let me have it...

FancyFacade

i like it--(dont know if i am really a reliable judge of good poetry/song lyrics though)--i like it--but i think pride is a very common human trait---cept for that--and--with writing--you dont have to be literal--you can exaggerate to show more feeling--(haha i know everything--uh-huh) maybe that is your style--literal--i am sorry if i have offended you--but--excellent subject

Jerram

not offended....and I didn't want to make pride out to be bad (as in one of the seven deadly sins) but more express that a bully (or any victimizer) does what they do in part b/c they think you are too weak or too low esteemed to do anything about it....which is the basis for my assertion that often these are the insecurities of the bully themselves!!

Jerram

that's funny b/c (if I may self psycho analyze for a moment)

I tend to be fairly literal and concrete/logical guy...but I LOVE symbolism and hyperbole in art (to a point, I mean some of the modern abstract stuff is so inaccessible to me)...so what you see is my attempts to venture there a bit and its kinda hard but rewarding to feel your being creative....even if its fairly straight forward...the bully song was kinda meant to be more straight ahead though..the other one is a bit prettier and abstract...I think

FancyFacade

jerram--but that is exactly what pride is in that situation is it not? or am i not getting ya

FancyFacade

now i understand--ok---yeah--self-esteem--i guess i wasnt reading very carefully--

have a good evening, thank you for the opportunity to read your work.

Jerram

well there's pride thats about self esteem and willing to stand for what you believe....and there's pride that is really conceit and is boastful, I meant the former in the song

Jerram

Bump for bedtime (i mean it this time.)

thanks in advance for your comments....

ISN

it's well-written....but I don't like it....I like your other one better.....

rrivers

Originally posted by ISN
it's well-written....but I don't like it....I like your other one better.....

I agree. Sorry but it seems like Nickelback lyrics to me.