don't go!
Rise-Above
Posts: 111
Sept. 4, 2004
To whoever received this, I have written a letter of gratitude that I hope someday will come to Ed and PJ’s attention. This is not a groupie thing, a beg for tickets, or anything like that. A heartfelt plea from me to someday, somehow, bring this piece of me to them. Thanks,
To PJ,
I feel you must be inundated with fan mail, personal pleas, and bullshit, etc. This is not of that nature. I don’t want anything more than to share a story with PJ and Eddie and how your voice dramatically impacted my life in a way that can only be called a moment of perfection and clear headedness, if only for the moment in time than I desperately needed it.
I’ll skip the preliminary stuff and jump right to the point. I have maintained a bi-polar life for maybe since the day I was damaged at age six. Diagnosed at 24, I am now 36, with three beautiful kids. Ups and downs are met with an attitude of “this is what is right now, things change”. Well after last months long descending slide and not caring enough to grab hold of myself, I was drowning in a deep place that even I couldn’t access. Deep, closed down to the world hopelessness and despair over what felt like there was no reason for. That was the most frustrating. I’m very much an in my head person, analyzing everything. I was lost. Even with my kids in my heart and presence.
I drove to Mount Rainier where a friend of mine works, I think to say goodbye, but not knowing so at the time. We hung and had a beer and talked and I never mentioned how I felt or what the hell was running through my head. I hugged him and told him I love him and to remember me. To him, it meant in the sense of “climb down from perfection and come see all of your old friends in the North end”. I must have known my direction at this point to be gone, so desperate to be gone from this painfully, grieving world and myself. Not seeing anything. It was planned and almost executed.
I sat upon a rock on a fire service road looking down at this beautiful place, dropping rocks and coins to see how far it could go. Thinking morbidly “shit, what if just hurt and linger here”. I was wearing my I pod listening to all 900 or so of my songs on random. I’m standing and feeling every emotion wash over me, and the amazing sound of “Release” comes on from the Seattle show Nov 6th 2000. I was so in my conviction to jump, which with 100 mg of Valium in my system didn’t help. Anyway, it brought me to the present of being 9 rows back and finally actually seeing the band and interaction and the emotions on your face during different songs. Then though I don’t know why “In hiding” came on from a live show and another version that I can’t place now, maybe Verona Italy. These songs that I had barely listened to had hit such a poignant and disturbance in the very depths of my soul. Fuck I could feel something, your voice was emotional and affecting it was there that I started crying, sobbing uncontrollable asking myself what the hell am I doing here. Why could I think of this? Suicide is fucking forever! The strength I felt to be able to pull myself out of this abyss was indescribable. Then I just listened to myself, to PJ songs, to my higher spirit (agnostic). Listening to “I got you” and a version of “Not for you”, from an import called “chapters” a gift from the person I went to see, with stuff from Mookie Blaylock demos and other Saturday night live stuff and one of the many versions of “Yellow Ledbetter”. I was just turning 21 when the grunge came so alive in Seattle, I was so full of life and happy and reveling in everything at that time.
At last, somehow the voice and band brought me enough into the presence to not do the thing that should never be done. The pain will pass, and mostly has for now, and I have such an awesome support system that has been there for years, I just couldn’t access that at the point when I needed it most. Not to take away from my experience and strength, I just want to say thank you! I wish I could give you a hug and a cup of coffee and know where some of these lyrics come from. I’ve only missed two shows in Seattle, both Showbox, and that’s cool. Damn near impossible to get. Do you know how much more powerful a Who show was live in the 70’s (from my husband’s DVD’s), vs. the studio. That’s what Pearl Jam is, so powerful live! I believe that had some part in the perfect breakdown, just soaking in the emotions and living again. I do hope this reaches you, and if not I’ve released it, it’s been written and that in itself is enough.
I forgot about the part of staying at the Wacky Ward at Providence Hospital for two weeks and my determination to get well, albeit for now with psychotropic drug and seeing my psychologist. My will to leave and see my sweet babies off to Kindergarten (a huge one.) and to 4th and 6th grades. I made it, am well and taking in the joy of life, the sand to play in, the grass to replant, the sound of rain and of my newly remodeled house in the burbs of Edmonds and releasing yesterdays pain, it serves me no more. I am a normal person in so much as any of us are.
Just an aside, my husband Brad worked with a friend of yours, Eric at Olympic Tug and Barge. Hi from us. I know he’s with Chris now. And check out my brother’s band The Bradbury Press, or Will Wakefield and the Congress Hotel. Supporting local music is what it’s about.
Besides voting, thanks for getting out the vote. I volunteer at Kerry headquarters and although this year I am only voting for who has the best chance of sending Bush as far from power as possible, like maybe TO IRAQ. I usually take the Indies because they deserve to be heard and counted.
Without sounding like a groupie, which I am so not, no fan sights investigated, lyrical picking apart sights, or ever having sent a letter to a band before. I have to say if there were ever a current musician that would be my dream to meet, to say thanks to his contribution to music, life, politics, and in some way of saving mine, it would be you, Ed Vedder.
With much respect and human kindness.
Namaste,
To whoever received this, I have written a letter of gratitude that I hope someday will come to Ed and PJ’s attention. This is not a groupie thing, a beg for tickets, or anything like that. A heartfelt plea from me to someday, somehow, bring this piece of me to them. Thanks,
To PJ,
I feel you must be inundated with fan mail, personal pleas, and bullshit, etc. This is not of that nature. I don’t want anything more than to share a story with PJ and Eddie and how your voice dramatically impacted my life in a way that can only be called a moment of perfection and clear headedness, if only for the moment in time than I desperately needed it.
I’ll skip the preliminary stuff and jump right to the point. I have maintained a bi-polar life for maybe since the day I was damaged at age six. Diagnosed at 24, I am now 36, with three beautiful kids. Ups and downs are met with an attitude of “this is what is right now, things change”. Well after last months long descending slide and not caring enough to grab hold of myself, I was drowning in a deep place that even I couldn’t access. Deep, closed down to the world hopelessness and despair over what felt like there was no reason for. That was the most frustrating. I’m very much an in my head person, analyzing everything. I was lost. Even with my kids in my heart and presence.
I drove to Mount Rainier where a friend of mine works, I think to say goodbye, but not knowing so at the time. We hung and had a beer and talked and I never mentioned how I felt or what the hell was running through my head. I hugged him and told him I love him and to remember me. To him, it meant in the sense of “climb down from perfection and come see all of your old friends in the North end”. I must have known my direction at this point to be gone, so desperate to be gone from this painfully, grieving world and myself. Not seeing anything. It was planned and almost executed.
I sat upon a rock on a fire service road looking down at this beautiful place, dropping rocks and coins to see how far it could go. Thinking morbidly “shit, what if just hurt and linger here”. I was wearing my I pod listening to all 900 or so of my songs on random. I’m standing and feeling every emotion wash over me, and the amazing sound of “Release” comes on from the Seattle show Nov 6th 2000. I was so in my conviction to jump, which with 100 mg of Valium in my system didn’t help. Anyway, it brought me to the present of being 9 rows back and finally actually seeing the band and interaction and the emotions on your face during different songs. Then though I don’t know why “In hiding” came on from a live show and another version that I can’t place now, maybe Verona Italy. These songs that I had barely listened to had hit such a poignant and disturbance in the very depths of my soul. Fuck I could feel something, your voice was emotional and affecting it was there that I started crying, sobbing uncontrollable asking myself what the hell am I doing here. Why could I think of this? Suicide is fucking forever! The strength I felt to be able to pull myself out of this abyss was indescribable. Then I just listened to myself, to PJ songs, to my higher spirit (agnostic). Listening to “I got you” and a version of “Not for you”, from an import called “chapters” a gift from the person I went to see, with stuff from Mookie Blaylock demos and other Saturday night live stuff and one of the many versions of “Yellow Ledbetter”. I was just turning 21 when the grunge came so alive in Seattle, I was so full of life and happy and reveling in everything at that time.
At last, somehow the voice and band brought me enough into the presence to not do the thing that should never be done. The pain will pass, and mostly has for now, and I have such an awesome support system that has been there for years, I just couldn’t access that at the point when I needed it most. Not to take away from my experience and strength, I just want to say thank you! I wish I could give you a hug and a cup of coffee and know where some of these lyrics come from. I’ve only missed two shows in Seattle, both Showbox, and that’s cool. Damn near impossible to get. Do you know how much more powerful a Who show was live in the 70’s (from my husband’s DVD’s), vs. the studio. That’s what Pearl Jam is, so powerful live! I believe that had some part in the perfect breakdown, just soaking in the emotions and living again. I do hope this reaches you, and if not I’ve released it, it’s been written and that in itself is enough.
I forgot about the part of staying at the Wacky Ward at Providence Hospital for two weeks and my determination to get well, albeit for now with psychotropic drug and seeing my psychologist. My will to leave and see my sweet babies off to Kindergarten (a huge one.) and to 4th and 6th grades. I made it, am well and taking in the joy of life, the sand to play in, the grass to replant, the sound of rain and of my newly remodeled house in the burbs of Edmonds and releasing yesterdays pain, it serves me no more. I am a normal person in so much as any of us are.
Just an aside, my husband Brad worked with a friend of yours, Eric at Olympic Tug and Barge. Hi from us. I know he’s with Chris now. And check out my brother’s band The Bradbury Press, or Will Wakefield and the Congress Hotel. Supporting local music is what it’s about.
Besides voting, thanks for getting out the vote. I volunteer at Kerry headquarters and although this year I am only voting for who has the best chance of sending Bush as far from power as possible, like maybe TO IRAQ. I usually take the Indies because they deserve to be heard and counted.
Without sounding like a groupie, which I am so not, no fan sights investigated, lyrical picking apart sights, or ever having sent a letter to a band before. I have to say if there were ever a current musician that would be my dream to meet, to say thanks to his contribution to music, life, politics, and in some way of saving mine, it would be you, Ed Vedder.
With much respect and human kindness.
Namaste,
If I knew where it was, I would take you there....there's much more than this.
www.myspace.com/kryslowe
www.myspace.com/kryslowe
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Comments
I am sure you are not alone in your thoughts. Seeing bipolar disease first hand with family and friends, i can understand how hard it is to deal with. A very sad disease that seems to be affecting alot more people these days. I've seen some come out of it with flying colors and i've even lost someone to it. I am so happy to see that we did not lose you, Namaste. I am glad that this band was here for you as it was for me in certain points of my life. Pearl jam became more than a band to alot of us. I really truely hope that your letter reaches pearl jam (ed specifically) I know ved would enjoy seeing this. Really hope the guys decide to make "fan mail" email addresses eventually that they will actually check. Alot of you have plenty to say that really is worth reading:) Thanks for sharing..