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spe-(lost)-cial

of_the_girlof_the_girl Posts: 745
edited July 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
like all those braided girls eating toast in their living rooms
on sunday mornings,
i watch the butterflies outside, twitching with desire for a taste
of nectar...
i'm shivering with every flutter, every shudder,
every floating memory of a brightly colored
moment... with you...
that i had made up in my head all those nights on that blanket
in my backyard,,,
i've skipped down paths of stepping stones without so much as a trip,
a tumble, a fall...
and here i am face down in the grass with an awkward grin
and an upstretched arm,
and a flat red balloon in my pocket...
waiting to be filled and let go, and set free, and
ready to fly through the vapor of clouds.
"At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." --Plato

www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • KwyjiboKwyjibo Posts: 662
    of_the_girl wrote:
    like all those braided girls eating toast on sunday mornings,
    i watch the butterflies outside, twitching with desire
    i'm shivering with every flutter, every shudder,
    every floating memory of a brightly colored
    moment...
    all those nights on that blanket in my backyard,,,
    i've skipped down paths of stepping stones without so much as a trip,
    a tumble, a fall...
    and here i am face down in the grass with an awkward grin
    and an upstretched arm,
    and a flat red balloon in my pocket...
    waiting to be filled and let go, and set free, and
    ready to fly through the vapor of clouds.


    this was really good. I hope you don't mind that I edited it a little bit in the quote, I thought it would probably flow better that way. The lines in bold were really good, especially that first one.
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
  • fiddyfootromanfiddyfootroman Posts: 96
    Really good. Not sure if i understood everything the way you intended. I agree on the flow with kwyjibo and those corrections helped. One thing that i would do: In the balloon line I would change the "flat" to "empty" because i think that "empty" would have much stronger meaning than "flat" especially since it is "waiting to be filled."
    Music for Rhinos
  • grooveamaticgrooveamatic Posts: 1,374
    fiddyfootroman wrote:
    Really good. Not sure if i understood everything the way you intended. I agree on the flow with kwyjibo and those corrections helped. One thing that i would do: In the balloon line I would change the "flat" to "empty" because i think that "empty" would have much stronger meaning than "flat" especially since it is "waiting to be filled."

    perhaps; however, calling the balloon 'flat' makes for a more interesting reader-response. we have to work to get the full significance of the image-system. calling it 'empty' is pandering, too easy. suessian.
    .........................................................................
  • of_the_girlof_the_girl Posts: 745
    fiddyfootroman wrote:
    Really good. Not sure if i understood everything the way you intended. I agree on the flow with kwyjibo and those corrections helped. One thing that i would do: In the balloon line I would change the "flat" to "empty" because i think that "empty" would have much stronger meaning than "flat" especially since it is "waiting to be filled."

    thanks you guys for the tips and ideas :) they're all very good.
    "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." --Plato

    www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
  • fiddyfootromanfiddyfootroman Posts: 96
    grooveamatic wrote:
    perhaps; however, calling the balloon 'flat' makes for a more interesting reader-response. we have to work to get the full significance of the image-system. calling it 'empty' is pandering, too easy. suessian.
    I can understand that empty wasn't the best choice for a replacement, but how does flat make for a more interesting response from the reader. i just don't see it. Please enlighten me.
    Music for Rhinos
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