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still haunting me

of_the_girlof_the_girl Posts: 745
edited April 2004 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
oh
i can feel you
in every single
twinkle
the stars make
and it's driving me crazy
with every twinkle
of the stars
i can hear you
screaming at me
with a shrill
high voice
so ugly
so unkind
and i think
i'm going insane.
i'm covering my ears
but i can still
hear
you
screaming.
i'm
bleeding.
"At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." --Plato

www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • tracingdaisiestracingdaisies Posts: 40
    I like the way this transitions from seeming sort of sad and soft to the screaming and bleeding. It lets the reader get comfortable before pouncing.
    I wish I was a Democrat
    One that had a chance to win
    I wish I was a Republican
    But would I be a human being?
    --from 'Wishlist,' 7/6/03, Philadelphia

    http://www.livejournal.com/users/tracingdaisies
  • of_the_girlof_the_girl Posts: 745
    Originally posted by tracingdaisies
    I like the way this transitions from seeming sort of sad and soft to the screaming and bleeding. It lets the reader get comfortable before pouncing.

    Thanks for reading. I always love hearing what others think of my work... and I'm glad you caught the transition. I wasn't sure if anyone would really notice or not, but you did!! And I really appreciate that.

    :)
    "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." --Plato

    www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    oh yeah there's a transition there, sheeshe :)

    it's like, all softy love love fluffy cloud twinkle
    and then quite quickly becomes a twinkIE, crushed under semi-tires in the mud on a gravel road..

    it's scary to think of the stars screaming...
    like, where you gonna hide?


    (Portishead's Wandering Stars is playing right now, too... :) go figure :))
  • of_the_girlof_the_girl Posts: 745
    Originally posted by PastaNazi
    oh yeah there's a transition there, sheeshe :)

    it's like, all softy love love fluffy cloud twinkle
    and then quite quickly becomes a twinkIE, crushed under semi-tires in the mud on a gravel road..

    it's scary to think of the stars screaming...
    like, where you gonna hide?


    (Portishead's Wandering Stars is playing right now, too... :) go figure :))

    oooh i liked your twinkie analogy... that was pretty kickass :D

    and as for the portishead song... that is pretty kickass too :D
    "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." --Plato

    www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
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