patrick <3

of_the_girl
of_the_girl Posts: 745
edited December 2004 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
sweeping long whips for eyelashes
curling up, reaching toward heaven
where you're from...

i can see them black and beautiful
laying
leaning
on your peach sweet skin

such quiet pieces of you speak so loudly to me behind my eyes

soft palms of pink tender skin and lines
that grip my heart with the most saccharine tenderness

you're next to me
an angel's breath is on my shoulder
you're the loudest quiet i've ever felt

the sweetest chaos lies within your touch

and the sky is jealous that your eyes aren't stars among their own

they're mine.
my stars.
"At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." --Plato

www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • Kwyjibo
    Kwyjibo Posts: 662
    git a room!!!!!

    <3 the other Pat but not patrick :)
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
  • olderman
    olderman Posts: 1,765
    it think jessie is describing an infant.. perhaps a nephew.. much too sweet to be a man, or even a young man.. beautiful poem, even if i am wrong..

    :)
    Down the street you can hear her scream youre a disgrace
    As she slams the door in his drunken face
    And now he stands outside
    And all the neighbours start to gossip and drool
    He cries oh, girl you must be mad,
    What happened to the sweet love you and me had?
    Against the door he leans and starts a scene,
    And his tears fall and burn the garden green
  • Kwyjibo
    Kwyjibo Posts: 662
    of_the_girl wrote:

    you're next to me
    an angel's breath is on my shoulder
    you're the loudest quiet i've ever felt

    the sweetest chaos lies within your touch

    and the sky is jealous that your eyes aren't stars among their own

    they're mine.
    my stars.

    about that part makes me think its a man, hubba hubba

    lucky guy :D
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
  • grooveamatic
    grooveamatic Posts: 1,374
    seems to be inspired by PJ's "Black"
    .........................................................................
  • CranMalReign
    CranMalReign Posts: 1,928
    Just a suggestion...

    don't use "saccharine" (I forgot how to spell it, so that's my best guess).

    This poem is a genuine display of affection, and, at least to me, saccharine implies artificiality... until now, I've always heard it used to imply too much sweetness... in a bad way.

    Also, I hate peaches with the fire of a thousand suns. Peach is the most vile substance on Earth, handed down to mankind by the gods to punish us for something vulgar eons ago. But that's just my opinion. You can keep it in the poem. I just wanted to take the opportunity to sing of the foulness of peach.

    "I could eat a peach for hours" -- Nicky Cage, Face/Off
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  • nailz100
    nailz100 Posts: 1,176
    I think it is another excellent piece of work from the wonder that is Jessie. That Patrick is one very lucky guy.
    Only with our eyes closed can we truly see
  • of_the_girl
    of_the_girl Posts: 745
    CranMalReign wrote:
    Just a suggestion...

    don't use "saccharine" (I forgot how to spell it, so that's my best guess).

    This poem is a genuine display of affection, and, at least to me, saccharine implies artificiality... until now, I've always heard it used to imply too much sweetness... in a bad way.

    Also, I hate peaches with the fire of a thousand suns. Peach is the most vile substance on Earth, handed down to mankind by the gods to punish us for something vulgar eons ago. But that's just my opinion. You can keep it in the poem. I just wanted to take the opportunity to sing of the foulness of peach.

    "I could eat a peach for hours" -- Nicky Cage, Face/Off


    LMAO! Good call on saccharine. But the peaches thing just made me laugh. I didn't know someone could hate a color or a fruit so much. :P

    And guess what? I hate Nicholas Cage with the fire of a thousand suns. :P
    "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." --Plato

    www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
  • of_the_girl
    of_the_girl Posts: 745
    sweeping long whips for eyelashes
    curling up, reaching toward heaven
    where you're from...

    i can see them black and beautiful
    laying
    leaning
    on your peach sweet skin

    such quiet pieces of you speak so loudly to me behind my eyes

    soft palms of pink tender skin and lines
    that grip my heart with a sugary tenderness

    you're next to me
    an angel's breath is on my shoulder
    you're the loudest quiet i've ever felt

    the sweetest chaos lies within your touch

    and the sky is jealous that your eyes aren't stars among their own

    they're mine.
    my stars.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~

    HOW THE HELL DO YOU EDIT A POST ????? Damn new stuff.
    "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." --Plato

    www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
  • patrickredeyes
    patrickredeyes Posts: 8,834
    well my name is patrick lol

    its a sweet and kind poem
  • CranMalReign
    CranMalReign Posts: 1,928
    fine, i can deal with the peaches

    i really really dig the last 3 lines. DIG, I TELL YOU!!!
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  • of_the_girl
    of_the_girl Posts: 745
    patrickredeyes wrote:
    well my name is patrick lol

    its a sweet and kind poem


    haha damnit there are too many of you patricks on this board!! :P

    and thanks :)
    "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." --Plato

    www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
  • CranMalReign
    CranMalReign Posts: 1,928
    patrickredeyes wrote:
    well my name is patrick lol

    its a sweet and kind poem

    Same with that starfish on SpongeBob... and he's pink, too!
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  • of_the_girl
    of_the_girl Posts: 745
    CranMalReign wrote:
    fine, i can deal with the peaches

    i really really dig the last 3 lines. DIG, I TELL YOU!!!

    haha thanksabunch.
    "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." --Plato

    www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
  • of_the_girl
    of_the_girl Posts: 745
    CranMalReign wrote:
    Same with that starfish on SpongeBob... and he's pink, too!


    Hey I love that starfish. Mmmm hmmmmmm. I'm a nerd.

    ~*~*~*~

    And Mr. Kwygibo (goddamnit that isn't easy to spell) I must say that I'm pleased to see your comments on my poetry. It has been too long!

    And olderman, it's about a young man. But you're right, the poem sounds very very very innocent and stuff... or something. :P haha
    "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." --Plato

    www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
  • Kwyjibo
    Kwyjibo Posts: 662
    wait a second, I thought your boyfriend's name was.... oh... heh.. :shifty eyes:
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
  • of_the_girl
    of_the_girl Posts: 745
    Kwyjibo wrote:
    wait a second, I thought your boyfriend's name was.... oh... heh.. :shifty eyes:


    Lol! Where the hell is the tongue sticking out smiley face?? :P? Haha. Anycrap!

    Pat, you weasel. I'll shift YOUR eyes!! *gets out lazerz*

    Apparently I haven't talked to you for a very long time. We shall talk soon and I shall give you the dowwwwn low.
    "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." --Plato

    www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
  • Kwyjibo
    Kwyjibo Posts: 662
    yeah what gives?!?!

    you never talk to me, the much cooler and twice as sexy patrick :( hahahaha

    congrats little one
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
  • Righteous Jammer
    Righteous Jammer Posts: 509
    beautiful romantic words...loved it!
    It doesnt hurt.... when I bleed
    but memories...they eat me
    I've seen it all before,...
    bring it on cause I'm no victim.
    -Ghost

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