Need's a name and work.... about life and society

JesusTheTerrorist

Well... this is about self-evolution kind of. About.... a realisation.... well I hope it comes across in the poem without me having to explain it.
I need a better structure but I'm bad at that kind of stuff.

Please please criticise... creatively of course! And I would appreciate feedback on the words in brackets or with a dash.... Woudn't mind a name either!!!



Let it melt away, watch it fall by your feet
Smile as the world falls apart, silently
Only you can see it now, it's gone forever
Crawling from their ruins, the lies reach out to you
(But) You're untouchable now, you know the truth

You accidentally found your sight
Somebody showed you, now you can see (you were shown, now you can see)
Looking beyond the facade of life
You see it's meaning, it's so simple

Wondering how you believed those lies
How you didn't see before, (and) how they don't see now
You let those questions fall with the world
They don't even matter anymore

Rise above, fly away, over the ruins of your life
Laughing as you watch your former self
They're scrambling around picking up the pieces
Don't know what they're doing, don't see the point

You fought anyway, held on to those lies
But then you saw/caught a glimpse of truth
Let go of it all and left with nothing
Now you kow what it really means to see,
You're free

ISN

yay....I'm not banned....yippe hippie....heheheheheh!!!!!!

okay....here we go....first off, I like this poem very much.....the imagery is great......the ideas of resurrection and liberation.....if there need to be any changes......I'm not sure what they are.....so I'll read it again to see if I can offer any constructive advice.....

I played around with it a bit....let me know whether the changes are okay with you....

Let it melt away; watch it fall apart.
Smile as the world disintegrates, silently.
Only you can see it now - it's gone forever.
Crawling from their ruins, the lies reach out to you.
But you're untouchable now, you know the truth.

You accidentally found your sight.
You were shown, now you can see.
Looking beyond the facade of life,
you see its meaning (it's so simple).

Wondering how you believed those lies.
How you didn't see before. How they don't see now.
You let those questions fall away -
They've lost their relevance.

Rise high, fly over the ruins of your life,
laughing as you watch your former self.

They're scrambling around picking up the pieces.
They don't know what they're doing -
they don't understand

You fought anyway; held on to those lies
But then the truth was revealed
Unveiled, stark and bright.
Now you know what it really means to see;
You're free!

windedsailor

it's too personal. that is to say, it's yours. i can't make an honest critique without considering the source, which is you.

violet ray

oh it came across alright, loud and clear...
loved it.

windedsailor

Originally posted by violet ray
oh it came across alright, loud and clear...
loved it.

may i say, you're sweet.
i won't retract what i posted earlier, and there is a flow, and a spark there, but...

windedsailor

the colors are appropriate. i love that. it suits.

windedsailor

i'm way too over-critical, i think. who knows?

windedsailor

fucker.

windedsailor

"life and society"
what the fuck, man
you could do better.
i'm done.

violet ray

Originally posted by windedsailor
may i say, you're sweet.
i won't retract what i posted earlier, and there is a flow, and a spark there, but...

thank you

but i'm not...i'm in selfish mode. it seems i can twist any of my interps to make so many of the poems in this forum relate to me and what i know/have seen

either that or too many of us here are alike in our experiences.

windedsailor

Originally posted by violet ray
thank you

but i'm not...i'm in selfish mode. it seems i can twist any of my interps to make so many of the poems in this forum relate to me and what i know/have seen

either that or too many of us here are alike in our experiences.

violet ray is the eel
she brings sensibility in bites
of plankton
in the hearts
of whales.

violet ray

Originally posted by windedsailor
violet ray is the eel
she brings sensibility in bites
of plankton
in the hearts
of whales.

hmm...

windedsailor

Originally posted by violet ray
hmm...

hmmm?

windedsailor

Originally posted by violet ray
hmm...

violet ray is the eel
she brings sensibility in bites
of plankton
in the hearts
of whales.


__________________

it's a good thing

Ms. Haiku

Hi, personally, i like stories in poetry. However, no matter what poetry I write I remember words of my friend from 11 years ago, Time and Place, Time and Place. It grounds any poem. Where, what, when, is something to think about when writing Haiku, and I think it applies to any poem.

windedsailor

Originally posted by Bibliobella
Hi, personally, i like stories in poetry. However, no matter what poetry I write I remember words of my friend from 11 years ago, Time and Place, Time and Place. It grounds any poem. Where, what, when, is something to think about when writing Haiku, and I think it applies to any poem.

too many rules, but i like the colors

Ms. Haiku

Hi There! Maybe it sounded harsher than it really is. Here is an example from windedsailor's poem:


i'll take that dark road
stand on the highway
with my thumb out


just a little something that a reader can grab onto, possibly saw a picture of what is happening, possibly did it him or herself; a signpost of the poem. This is how I saw this portion of yeah, it is pearl jam. There's obviously more to the poem, but it was a signpost to me.

so, in this case, what happened before the:

crawling from their ruins

what was ruined?

windedsailor

Originally posted by Bibliobella
Hi There! Maybe it sounded harsher than it really is. Here is an example from windedsailor's poem:


i'll take that dark road
stand on the highway
with my thumb out


just a little something that a reader can grab onto, possibly saw a picture of what is happening, possibly did it him or herself; a signpost of the poem. This is how I saw this portion of yeah, it is pearl jam. There's obviously more to the poem, but it was a signpost to me.

so, in this case, what happened before the:

crawling from their ruins

what was ruined?

are you talking to me?

Ms. Haiku

Hello! I'm not really writing to anyone in particular, but JesusTheTerrorist. I used your poem as an example because it is a recently posted poem, so JesusTheTerrorist could read the entire poem and get an idea of what I was writing about. I hope you don't mind my using your poem as an example.

windedsailor

Originally posted by Bibliobella
Hello! I'm not really writing to anyone in particular, but JesusTheTerrorist. I used your poem as an example because it is a recently posted poem, so JesusTheTerrorist could read the entire poem and get an idea of what I was writing about. I hope you don't mind my using your poem as an example.

not at all. i'm a little slow this time of the morning. sorry.

violet ray

Originally posted by windedsailor
violet ray is the eel
she brings sensibility in bites
of plankton
in the hearts
of whales.


__________________

it's a good thing

couldn't tell,
thanks for clearing that up