You Should Be Good

grooveamatic

heres a little poem of mine that I like very much:


You Should Be Good


I saw a woman stricken today--
With a heart attack, most likely--
It was at the flea market that occurs
Every Sunday in the baseball field
Beside my house.
She lay there quite still,
And no one came running
Except one woman wearing khaki shorts,
A daughter probably--
Somebodys' daughter--
Who knelt to tend to her.
(she was already dead? perhaps)
The other market-goers stood,
Seemingly stricken themselves,
Stranded in place and looking on,
Listening as the ambulance
From not-so-far away
Took up its' familiar and chilling cry,
Not just a wailing, but a caution:
You should be good.

grooveamatic

I was going over my old posts, out of a sense of nostalgia....look at this one, probably first poem I ever posted here (look at the date!) and NOBODY commented on it! It made me sad.....

Being Enlightened

Awww, groovy!!! Sometimes people just don't know what to say so, they don't say anything at all.

I think this is very grooveamatic in it's style. I can see how you've progressed but yet, have remained the same. I'm glad you bumped it, it's good to dig up that old stuff sometimes.

DopeBeastie

i think this poem is by far and wide one of the best i've read here

it's so simple

it's meaning is just close enough to the heart to elicit an emotional response, but it's not the same ole same ole

not only that, the execution of words and rhythm. it's damn good!

seriously... NICE work, groovy

i'm sorry i missed it the first time, and thanks for bumping it

sistanumsy

that is pretty date worthy.The message is well enough to go forever.

depopulationINC

I thinks it is Uber

no

no

Ubermatic

Mystique420

u put tears in my eyes

grooveamatic

Awww! You're all so nice! Thanks for reading!

Ali

grooveamatic wrote:

heres a little poem of mine that I like very much:


You Should Be Good


I saw a woman stricken today--
With a heart attack, most likely--
It was at the flea market that occurs
Every Sunday in the baseball field
Beside my house.
She lay there quite still,
And no one came running
Except one woman wearing khaki shorts,
A daughter probably--
Somebodys' daughter--
Who knelt to tend to her.
(she was already dead? perhaps)
The other market-goers stood,
Seemingly stricken themselves,
Stranded in place and looking on,
Listening as the ambulance
From not-so-far away
Took up its' familiar and chilling cry,
Not just a wailing, but a caution:
You should be good.

I saw a woman,
struck by a car,
and no one stopped
to pick her up,dust off
her bloody nose.
I drove by,
crying,thinking,
"Why am I not stopping?"
But I was just a girl,
with more things to do,
but to sit in my car and cry all day.


Thanks for it,groovy,
I got your number,

ali:D

FinsburyParkCarrots

grooveamatic wrote:

heres a little poem of mine that I like very much:



The other market-goers stood,
Seemingly stricken themselves,
Stranded in place and looking on,

I know what you're trying to do with these lines. One stumbles over the sibilant consonants in this passage: The sound effects of the words mimic what the words themselves tell, thematically: The way the market-goers are stupefied in fascination, on stumbling upon the incongruous site of a public death. Good work. Yet, though I know you're going for an observational, understated narratorial approach, I'd still ditch the adverb "Seemingly" because it's a mouthful. "Perhaps" is a good substitute: It's prosaic, usually, but it's real, and could work here.

Otherwise, for me this piece is very promising.

Cheers, Groove. Good to see you!

FinsburyParkCarrots

The other market-goers stood,
Stricken themselves, perhaps -
Stranded in place and looking on,



There, you have a natural stop between two sibilants. Maybe the hyphen isn't even needed. Thoughts?

grooveamatic

I see what you're saying, Fins, and I think I agree...I'll have to play around with it a bit, but I have always kinda felt that 'seemingly stranded' could be improved upon....

sistanumsy

Stranded in place and looking on,

I suggest in to on then.:rolleyes:

grooveamatic

sistanumsy wrote:

Stranded in place and looking on,

I suggest in to on then.:rolleyes:

I'm afraid I don't fully understand this.....

sistanumsy

grooveamatic wrote:

I'm afraid I don't fully understand this.....

I assumed the other people were looking at the scene looking in to it. Looking on seemed to ignore. I hope that helps.

grooveamatic

ah, I see. the only problem with that is "looking in" implies a certain spatial relationship--like a man looking in a box, or a mother looking in on her sleeping child. If the sleeping child were right in front of the mother on a couch, the mother wouldn't be looking in on it, she would be looking on as it slept. These people at the flea market (and this IS a true story from my life) were standing in an open space, looking on.

thanks though!