The Merits of Life

grooveamatic

ok, so the following poem is extremely long. It chronicles a personal journey of mine. I have posted quite a few poems on the subject already (although it is by no means my sole source of inspiration or subject matter) and have been reluctant to post this one, as it is a bit more personal than the rest. But what the hey, it's all about the art, right? I know that some might view the topic(which is addiction--in my case, alcoholism) as a bit campy, a writer's cop-out, or artistic posturing. I wouldn't write about it unless it was quite real to me. (I don't struggle with it or suffer anymore, so don't worry about me ). It might affect your reading of the poem, however, to know that the first 9 parts were written while I was in rehab. Parts ten and eleven were written over a year after that, and after a year of sobriety. Also, part nine is a deliberate reference to another work by another poet; I'm not trying to put one over on anybody. Anyway, it isn't my best piece of writing, per se, but it holds a special place in my heart and there are flashes of stuff in here that I am very proud of. Some who have read it have suggested that it is certainly more than one poem, or that the sections should at least have their own titles, but I have so far been unwilling to split it up differently than it's current form; perhaps some of you could change my mind. It has eleven parts, some of them quite different in tone, structure and style. Anyway, let me know what you think, what I should change, and what I should keep. Thanks.

The Merits of Life
a lament to addiction in eleven parts

one

Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening down.
Winding down down down
Through an opening of nonsoul to the resting point
The widest point
Winding down through the widest
Through the nonsoul opening the widest point
Opening the opening wide
Resting on the wide point of down widening.
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening, widening down;
Winding, winding down
Through the widest nonsoul argument of down
Down opening the opening wide
Opening the opening argument of nonsoul
Opening the opening argument of nonsoul wide
Down through the wide down glide
Winding down through the widening down
The widest point opening the opening
Opening the opening wide the glide
Wide the glide open
Into the glade
The widest glide into the glade
Out of the glide
Into the glade
The argument of nonsoul into the glade
At the perch of your heart just to open a frown
The argument of nonsoul into the glade
At the top of a shirt framing a frown
Winding in, winding down

two

cry me not to rivers
laugh me not to sane
send me not into hysterics
let not my craving wane

do not emplore me to erase
joke me not to please
calm me not with soothing lyrics
drink me not to sneeze

wade on in upon me now
wade on in right slow
wade into my shallows now
wade on in right slow

steel the heart against the rocks
batten down the flag
soak the carton, burn the box
go kerosene the rag!

three

Winding down the widest point
Winding down the glide
Winding down the widest point
Winding, winding down
Through widening, widening, widening down;
Winding in, winding down
Alit upon the peak of decibels.
Alight in the opening argument
Opening the opening argument of nonsoul
Widening the winding glade
Gliding the widening glide
Winding down the widest point
Winding, winding down
Alit upon the peaks of decimals.
Alight in the opening argument
Opening the opening argument of soul.
Widening the winding glade
Gliding the widening glade
Winding down the widest point
Winding down the glide
Winding in, winding down
Widening the widest rocks.

four

ponder yon plants and shrubs
upon a hanging ball

"Where did they come from,
where will they go?"

"If you don't know then well--"

ponder yon walls
and ponder yon ceiling

"From solong ago,
how long have they been here?"

If you'd simply count the--"

Pardon yon paintings,
So pretty, so ancient.

"Just tell me the truth,
how long have they been here?"

"You must know if you--

Pardon my grip.

five

If there be such a thing as a blank page
Then myself I won't consider.
Newness not here, revelations pre-found.
Blankness itself is not harrowing,
Only the implication of salvation to come.

If there be such a thing as a blank page
Check no stain unbound.
The truth is the nonchalant, the disease.
In only blankness does darkness dwell.
Only blankness shames the seed.

If there be such a thing as a blank page
Toil not to soil it,
For there be more hideous monsters
And more piteous beasts.
In lunacy lurks the full.

If there be such a thing as a blank page
I erase such, unlaced.
I deny it's quadrants of refraction.
If there be such a thing as a blank page
I am sure it lies, and is dead.

If there be such a thing as a blank page
Surely it's face is Shame;
Shame with no nose, no eyes,
A mouth with large teeth.
I swipe this effigy cosmically.

If there be such a thing as a blank page
I squint at it like tines;
Tines if comprehension and peril.
This peril is the blank.
This comprehension, the page.

If there be such a thing as a blank page
It be windowless,
Doorless and with no gender.
Barricades and rough hewn edges
Blurred with a vision of pulp.

If there be such a thing as a blank page
I will see it throttled.
Sullied and suckled.
I will see the blank refilled.
I shall will the blank written.

If there be such a thing as a blank page
I will light the candles of it's awakening
And breathe deep the living incense.
Votives magic, vulnerable, skew the dye.
Exhale blood unto the void!

If there be such a thing as a blank page
Name mine cinders and stokes.
Call the verbs from Hades and Golgotha,
Beckon nouns from Jerusalem.
Spin, blank page, as if woven.

If there be such a thing as a blank page
Dub mine cherubs and jetsam.
Bemoan, participles of cherish, bemoan!
Emplore paragraphs from Egypt and electricity.
Spin, blank page, on your axis.

If there be such a thing as a blank page
Refer to mine as Phil.
Toss it cookies and tapdanceshoes
And throw in a cure or two.
Spin, blank page, as a wheel.

If there be such a thing as a blank page
Brim mine with tears--all tears--and weep for the filling.
Brim it with laughter, hatred, hilarity, votives.
If there be such a thing as a blank page,
Fill it, fill it, and fill it well.

six

Needleye ribcage,
Tempestuous dog!
Fill my belly with your swords!
My love is a valley
A deep wide valley
A fertile crescent valley
My affection is grieving
Your March rains gone dry
Bone dry, dust bowl
Dream liquor-syrup dreams
Dimetappian-marrow dripping nightscapes,
Catching the deluge barely.
The anvil of addiction, simmering soulful
Sonnets within this forge of fear
A heavy solid forge
A darkened yawning forge
The hammer but a thought in the mind of God
Disparaging the mathematical formula of man.
Take my genetics to task.
My genes are expanding now
Stretching, sticky genes
Bright, alpha genes.
Approaching the lifespan of a craving,
Desire turns upon reluctance.
Gray hairs do sprout hope; &
The blank stare of the breathing dead
Is fastidious,
Fastidious.

seven

Stand beside me now,
Beside me;
Stand beside me now,
Beside me;
I am inviting you along,
Beside me;
Stand beside me now,
Beside me;
Stand beside me,
Glancing down,
Down into an outrageous ravine
A craggy forboding ravine
Stand beside me now
Glancing down
Into the ravine.
Stand and glance with me.
The rocks, like mistakes,
Are moved by large trucks
Which never stop running
Ever
Moving those rocks around.
Bury them! I scream.
Bury them and be done,
Be done the whole mess.
Stand beside me now.
Bury the rocks.
Cover them over.
Stand beside me now.
Cover them over.
Don't leave me now, I need your help.
Cover them over.
Time will decide.

eight

Winding up, up
Through climbing, climbing rain
Winding up, up
Through climbing, climbing rain

nine

cover us over and let us work
cover us over and let us work
cover us over and let us work
be quiet now

ten

Somewhere,
Under the ground and feces,
Torque moves on.
Our bodies are shuttles,
Vigilant and loud.
We will not buckle to orbits.
I will not bow to the sun.

eleven

Winding up, up
Through climbing, climbing rain;
Winding up, up
Through climbing, climbing rain;
Winding up, up
Through climbing, climbing rain;
Winding up, up
Through climbing, climbing rain;
Winding up, up
Through climbing, climbing rain;
Winding up, up
Through climbing, climbing, climbing rain;
Winding up, up
Through climbing, climbing rain;
Winding up, up
Through climbing, climbing rain;
Winding up, up
Through climbing, climbing rain;
Winding up up up
Through an opening of the soul to the resting point
The narrow point
Winding up through the narrowest
Through the soul opening the narrow point
Opening the opening marrow
Opening the opening marrow wide
Resting on the narrow point of rain climbing
Winding up, up
Through climbing rain,
Winding up, up
Through the narrowest argument of rain
Rain opening the opening
Rain opening the opening wide
Closing the closing argument of nonsoul
Up through the narrow rain opening wideningly
Winding up through the up opening
The narrowest point opening the closing
Closing the opening wide the glide
Wide the glide closed
Out of the glade.
The narrowest glide out of the glade
The argument of soul out of the glade
At the perch of your heart just to close a frown
The argument of soul out of the glade
The point which boils over the cup
Winding out, winding up.

ANDY521

hey u.
u kno i don't kno much about poetry. but i do know about addiction, and, i like to believe, i kno u. and u may never read this, but here are my thoughts on ur lament. . . .sorry if its long-winded. . . but its a long poem. here goes . .
i really like the repetitiveness of 1, like ur trying to keep focused, almost hypnotized on ur goal. . like u can talk urself into it. u realize the fight, but haven't accepted it yet. then in 2, it's like ur asking to be taken seriously, not to be joked off. for ur people to actually walk on glass for u; u need, not the sympathy, the presence, and understanding. instead of taking the easy way, u want to fight.
3, i see argument with urself starting here. . . .u succumb to the fight.
but 4 seems, to me, to be u first coming to grips with soberness, like u are waking up. like: hey, was this world here the whole time?
5 is just u, sort of reborn, taking it sloww. asking to start over, yet making no apologies for ur past. . .i can see that some may think this is a separate poem, but it needs the history of 1-4 to be really understood.
6 is a deep craving, and temptation, and a turnaround.
7 is asking to not be left alone. now u want to change but know u can't do it alone.
8 &9 is all recovery. . .quieting the cravings.
10 i see u decisively deciding u can change, u can fight it.
and 11. . again the hypnotic repetitiveness, but more u in control, and winning the argument
geez, that was long. . .sorry. but, maybe just cos i kno u, i think it is one of ur best. it makes me more proud of u than ever, but i wish i could have helped more from 1.
send me more soon.
miss u,
i love tacos.
me

Ms. Haiku

These long poems are hard to read on a computer, so I rarely do. I'll print it out and get back with you . . .

Ms. Haiku

I think the introduction helped me understand the poems. It feels like spiral-d despair which is basically recovery, isn't it. I can see the progress throughout the poems, however, I thought the last poem would be more different from the first. Now, does this mean that you recognize that you are the same person whether addicted or not, or did you want a connection throughout the poem, and just needed a little more difference in the later poems to distinguish you from rehab and you as sober? The spiral feel within the poems feels appropriate since recovery is not a straight line? Section 4 with quotes engages the reader so I like it the best. I understood parts 5 though 7 the least. However, they seem to be from the same period, so maybe it's all a part of how you transitioned with your writing as you transitioned to a different lifestyle. Again, it's interesting that you go back to what you were writing in part 1 in part 11.

grooveamatic

ANDY521 wrote:

hey u.
u kno i don't kno much about poetry. but i do know about addiction, and, i like to believe, i kno u. and u may never read this, but here are my thoughts on ur lament. . . .sorry if its long-winded. . . but its a long poem. here goes . .
i really like the repetitiveness of 1, like ur trying to keep focused, almost hypnotized on ur goal. . like u can talk urself into it. u realize the fight, but haven't accepted it yet. then in 2, it's like ur asking to be taken seriously, not to be joked off. for ur people to actually walk on glass for u; u need, not the sympathy, the presence, and understanding. instead of taking the easy way, u want to fight.
3, i see argument with urself starting here. . . .u succumb to the fight.
but 4 seems, to me, to be u first coming to grips with soberness, like u are waking up. like: hey, was this world here the whole time?
5 is just u, sort of reborn, taking it sloww. asking to start over, yet making no apologies for ur past. . .i can see that some may think this is a separate poem, but it needs the history of 1-4 to be really understood.
6 is a deep craving, and temptation, and a turnaround.
7 is asking to not be left alone. now u want to change but know u can't do it alone.
8 &9 is all recovery. . .quieting the cravings.
10 i see u decisively deciding u can change, u can fight it.
and 11. . again the hypnotic repetitiveness, but more u in control, and winning the argument
geez, that was long. . .sorry. but, maybe just cos i kno u, i think it is one of ur best. it makes me more proud of u than ever, but i wish i could have helped more from 1.
send me more soon.
miss u,
i love tacos.
me

thanks for the kind words, sarah. it's nice to know you come here and read my stuff. I like your interpretaions of the sections...it sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on the poem. You saw how section 11 changes a little from section 1...cool. Thanks for taking the time to read it. I hope to speak to you soon.

miss you,
seth

grooveamatic

Bibliobella wrote:

I think the introduction helped me understand the poems. It feels like spiral-d despair which is basically recovery, isn't it. I can see the progress throughout the poems, however, I thought the last poem would be more different from the first. Now, does this mean that you recognize that you are the same person whether addicted or not, or did you want a connection throughout the poem, and just needed a little more difference in the later poems to distinguish you from rehab and you as sober? The spiral feel within the poems feels appropriate since recovery is not a straight line? Section 4 with quotes engages the reader so I like it the best. I understood parts 5 though 7 the least. However, they seem to be from the same period, so maybe it's all a part of how you transitioned with your writing as you transitioned to a different lifestyle. Again, it's interesting that you go back to what you were writing in part 1 in part 11.

thanks for reading it and thinking about it Bella! I'll respond to your response as soon as I can...I'm running short on time at the moment...

grooveamatic

Bibliobella wrote:

I think the introduction helped me understand the poems. It feels like spiral-d despair which is basically recovery, isn't it. I can see the progress throughout the poems, however, I thought the last poem would be more different from the first. Now, does this mean that you recognize that you are the same person whether addicted or not, or did you want a connection throughout the poem, and just needed a little more difference in the later poems to distinguish you from rehab and you as sober? The spiral feel within the poems feels appropriate since recovery is not a straight line? Section 4 with quotes engages the reader so I like it the best. I understood parts 5 though 7 the least. However, they seem to be from the same period, so maybe it's all a part of how you transitioned with your writing as you transitioned to a different lifestyle. Again, it's interesting that you go back to what you were writing in part 1 in part 11.

your right, bella, recovery is no straight line. I've heard it described as almost bell-shaped. I tried to fashion the poem the same way. parts one and 11 are quite similar, but they are also quite different in content. part one speaks of "the argument of nonsoul" whereas 11 deals with "the argument of soul"...and 1 is "winding down" and 11 is "winding up"...but yes, the similarity in repititon and word choices does indicate that I am still the same person, essentially, it's just now a slightly different existence...look at the final lines in these two respective sections.

again, thanks for reading it, I know poems like this can be somewhat laborious to read.