Room

grooveamatic

And my room is filled with open drawers
& scattered clothes and notes
(whose isn't? whose isn't?)
& walls that won't answer back when you stare at them
with a gaping mouth
and unfinished hanging sentences;

It is just a room
(no more, no less)
but when the lights are out & the TV has gone to static
it could pass for an arid tomb in a sunken ship
miles and miles beneath treacherous seas.
Uncaring eels bump my mossy window.

(sometimes it's harder to breathe in the air
than to swallow all that water)

justam

I like this one!

VEDHEAD27

LOVE it groove!

pacifier

hey, you're a really great writer

twin1

Good poem. I like the ending... ))

depopulationINC

twin1 wrote:

Good poem. I like the ending... ))

I liked the ending to. Great line

EvilToasterElf

grooveamatic wrote:

And my room is filled with open drawers
& scattered clothes and notes
(whose isn't? whose isn't?)
& walls that won't answer back when you stare at them
with a gaping mouth
and unfinished hanging sentences;

It is just a room
(no more, no less)
but when the lights are out & the TV has gone to static
it could pass for an arid tomb in a sunken ship
miles and miles beneath treacherous seas.
Uncaring eels bump my mossy window.

(sometimes it's harder to breathe in the air
than to swallow all that water)

I think the three sets of () are more distracting in this one - especially around the ending - which is phenomenal - and already spaced with a line

Ali

Absolutely amazing,once again.
Youre style is definitly your own;)

grooveamatic

EvilToasterElf wrote:

I think the three sets of () are more distracting in this one - especially around the ending - which is phenomenal - and already spaced with a line

I understand where you're coming from with this criticism. But the parentheses have really become a style marker of mine, and they are not incidental. Depending on the poem, they can function as a Greek chorus, the ebb and flow of tides, the movement of planets, the timemarkers of age, revolving doors of experience, etc etc.

Are they sometimes distracting? Yes. Is that sometimes the point? Of course.

Thanks for the criticism, though...it shows you are paying attention.

FinsburyParkCarrots

I think they're fine.

Ali

I absolutely adore what you write,G.You definitly have style and great
descriptive passages.

grooveamatic

Ali wrote:

I absolutely adore what you write,G.You definitly have style and great
descriptive passages.

That's the first time you've ever called me 'G'. It's so sweet!!!

twin2

Good descriptions and well written. I too enjoyed reading it.