A shy ghost

sevensins

i wrote this to acompony the finger picking riff that i wrote today. Its a really pretty sounding riff, but theres something oddly haunting about it...so i let the music tell me were to take it. tell me what u think, its not done, i'll be editing it probibly a little. but my gut tells me to just record as is and let it be...i dunno tell me what u think.

"a shy ghost"

Shaking, white hands close
around my throught
my lungs colaps
i stay composed
It steals my air
this holy ghost
in wispered maddness
the silence grows

dawning, this shuddered pose
to mark my words
In whitest grace
Its horror's shown
Bloody Marry
Another shy ghost
in wispered glory
My sorrow knows

Laughing, I feel it close
this door to light
I hear her sobbing
disolves the night
This ghost is hollow
it is not real
clung to darkness
so I will not heal

EvilToasterElf

I think the first stanza is a lot tighter than the second two

sevensins

EvilToasterElf wrote:

I think the first stanza is a lot tighter than the second two

thank u for reading, i defenetly agree. I tried re-doing them.
heres the new one.

"A shy ghost"
Shaking, white hands close
around my throught
my lungs colaps
i stay composed
It steals my air
this holy ghost
in wispered maddness
the silence grows

dawning, this shattered pose
over my bones
It's fingers tighten
My horror's shown
Bloody Marry
Another shy ghost
An apparition
of a writers prose

haunting, my mind once closed
has breached its own
this love is cursed
yet stands proposed
A spectre hollow
I sware its fraud
clung to grief
my storys flawed

EvilToasterElf

There are two lines, one in each of the second and third stanza, the first one is Bloody Mary, and the A spectre hollow is the second, I think these two lines can be improved to tie the stanzas together, the rest seems better but if I were you I would try to make those two lines shine