The Paris blues

sevensins

On the trail of a thought, my mouth moves in haist
studdering and spilling, my words are but a waste
"tell me you love me, I know your thinking it"
this vodka's warm but, were still drinking it

And I say to Sarah, i could sit with you all night
lets count this day done, and look blindly at the night

She stood for me revealed, naked by the door
so confident she danced, avoiding the floor
my 5th glass is empty, as she stares at me so bold
"my life was just an alliby, wile I waited to be sold"

And I say to Sarah, I dont know who you are
but I see you in those eyes, and I know you've traveled far

My headache dawns, as night fades away
Sarah's asleep, as the windows light turns gray
I stand firm in action, as i through on my shoes
the street sound is quieter, without the paris blues

Traver DiDiminico

me likey. you captured the experience very well.

sevensins

Traver DiDiminico wrote:

me likey. you captured the experience very well.

thank you...i am worried the meaning wont come through enough without another verse though...but musicly (its a song) it sounds better with out the extra verse..idk, what do you think?
do you get the meaning as is?

ISN

it's definitely a song.....singing the Paris blues....it's great.....one of my favourite of yorus sevensins......I think of Tangled up in Blue.....God, I need Bob right now!!! ya know something.....the way you wrote that, you could easily write an epic like Tangled up in Blue......or sitting up all night in the Chelsea Hotel......sit up all night and write us a song, man.......

Traver DiDiminico

sevensins wrote:

thank you...i am worried the meaning wont come through enough without another verse though...but musicly (its a song) it sounds better with out the extra verse..idk, what do you think?
do you get the meaning as is?

Trust me, for those of us who've been there, it's crystal clear.

Being Enlightened

You're very talented, sevensins! I love the rhyme scheme and the line "my life was just an alliby, wile I waited to be sold"---man, that's great! And I can see why ISN sees the Bobby Dylan in you--only I'm sure you have a much more pleasant singing voice!

sevensins

wow, a bob dylan comparrison. I am trully humbled. thank you. I'm glad you all liked it. Thank you guys for reading it. this still is the most suportive place for poets on the net.

trappedinmyradio

nice, it sounds like a song - a folk song...hmmmmm maybe not...i don't know, but i like it - and i am not usually big on "form" (if you know what i mean)

sevensins wrote:

On the trail of a thought, my mouth moves in haist
studdering and spilling, my words are but a waste
"tell me you love me, I know your thinking it"
this vodka's warm but, were still drinking it

And I say to Sarah, i could sit with you all night
lets count this day done, and look blindly at the night

She stood for me revealed, naked by the door
so confident she danced, avoiding the floor
my 5th glass is empty, as she stares at me so bold
"my life was just an alliby, wile I waited to be sold"

And I say to Sarah, I dont know who you are
but I see you in those eyes, and I know you've traveled far

My headache dawns, as night fades away
Sarah's asleep, as the windows light turns gray
I stand firm in action, as i through on my shoes
the street sound is quieter, without the paris blues

Ali

I like it alot.It seems like a very well written poetic story,
true to say the least.Something that everyone has been through throughout their life,
very felt and there.

Thank you...I had a great time reading it:)

sevensins

trappedinmyradio wrote:

nice, it sounds like a song - a folk song...hmmmmm maybe not...i don't know, but i like it - and i am not usually big on "form" (if you know what i mean)

thank you, it actialy is a kinda folky song. just me a oddly tuned acoustic guitar.

tchaliz wrote:

hello Seven, this one has something diferent, something has grown up in you.
T

thank you. it means alot that you noticed that. cuz something has changed or grown inside me...i'm still changeing, and I hope my art refects that. thank you.

Ali wrote:

I like it alot.It seems like a very well written poetic story,
true to say the least.Something that everyone has been through throughout their life,
very felt and there.

Thank you...I had a great time reading it:)

I'm glad you enjoyed it.
i hoped that I could get the experience through....though as a writter you wonder if the reader will experience the same thing as you, something similiar, or something compleatly different. I gess it can go ether way.

ISN

I think we all experienced it differently......it reminded me of a Bob Dylan monologue with catchy rhythm....and (I keep searching for foreign words to express my feelings).......some foreign word that I can't remember......Travers was totally caught up in teh experience.......Tchaliz admired your artistry......and Ali gave us the human touch.....the real emotion.......but I guess you could say.......it was a success!!! (on the whole)......you're much more talented than I had hitherto believed.....and I'm much more durnk than I had hitherto thought......but less durnk than I will be soon......

sevensins

ISN wrote:

I think we all experienced it differently......it reminded me of a Bob Dylan monologue with catchy rhythm....and (I keep searching for foreign words to express my feelings).......some foreign word that I can't remember......Travers was totally caught up in teh experience.......Tchaliz admired your artistry......and Ali gave us the human touch.....the real emotion.......but I guess you could say.......it was a success!!! (on the whole)......you're much more talented than I had hitherto believed.....and I'm much more durnk than I had hitherto thought......but less durnk than I will be soon......

lol, whatcha drinking?

ISN

well, I might opine about wine
and not about swine
(not because I don't think they're divine)
wine is sweet
and to see little piggies
(while I'm smoking my ciggies)
sucking on teats
makes me go crazy
and get very lazy
and not want to
walk up the street

sevensins

ISN wrote:

well, I might opine about wine
and not about swine
(not because I don't think they're divine)
wine is sweet
and to see little piggies
(while I'm smoking my ciggies)
sucking on teats
makes me go crazy
and get very lazy
and not want to
walk up the street

i prefure vodka....cuz its stuborn and rhymes with less things. and vanella vodka and coke rules. but thats me.....and i'm out of cigs:(

ISN

get some more cigs....and quit acting like a NYC vamp.....you're not famous yet!!!!!

sevensins

ISN wrote:

get some more cigs....and quit acting like a NYC vamp.....you're not famous yet!!!!!

i'm a badass....lol, i cant even say that without laughing at myself.