a story

scat cat

Here's a rough begining of a story I'm writing. It may be a book if it's good and I can keep my interest in it. Please tell me what you think. I'm not a professional, so please be nice.


The sun shines on the horizon. Its warmth is a relieving feeling since I've suffered what seems like weeks and weeks (which is actually only a couple of days) of unbearable cold. I've missed riding my bike down these empty streets, gazing at the houses and people who occupy them. It sounds strange, but I find the little things of their lives somehow make me feel alive. Maybe its the fact that I'm observant enough to actually notice these little things, or maybe I just find every little thing interesting, like the trees in their yard, their green grass, or even the shape of their houses. Whatever it is, I'm glad the sun could accompany me on my miniature journey today.
All of the strange people seem to have come out to enjoy the sun as well. Considering the crappy neighborhood I live in, I guess they're here everyday, but on my bike I seem to notice them more. I don't just zoom by them like in a car. I have to make eye contact and nod, and wonder if they're gonna knock me off my bike and steal it to sell for some crank.


OK, that's all I've got, but does it even flow together well? Should I just give up now? Please give input.

savannah66

I think it's a good start.

To be honest, the parentheses kind of throw me off...I think it would flow better if you said "for a couple of days, I've suffered what seems like weeks..."

I like the idea of observation. I think you should delve more into what you observe....what does the sun look like on the faces, how does it warm the patterns in the tree leaves, what does the sun do for the color of the grass?

good work starting here, scat cat. I think you should continue, and flesh it out.

Savannah

justam

I like the topic, but I think maybe you could pass out the information a little less directly.

For example, "Maybe it's the fact that I'm observant enough to actually notice these things...." could be shown rather than stated.

Keep writing your story and we'll read more.

CranMalReign

I agree with my two predecessors in this thread. Just slow down the intro a bit (it flows rather quick) and make it less direct.

A book should be a way of showing the reader something. Not telling them exactly what's going on.

tracingdaisies

...do you imagine lives for the neighbors you notice? What are you thinking while you're observing, aside from noticing the sun? Are you reflecting about the past? Dreaming about the future? Absolutely free? Running through your laundry list while you wave to neighbors?

Just some questions to get you thinking...a paragraph has to grow to a few pages, and then a few chapters, before it can become a book. Keep writing!

scat cat

Thanks for the input. I'll try and rewrite it a bit and add on to it. It's sort of hard sometimes describing what you see to people to help them visualize it the way you do.

CranMalReign

yes, it can definitely be hard... but that's the job you've taken upon yourself. and you must perform!