Elliot Smith
BhagavadGita
Posts: 1,748
I read a story tonight about a man who was a musician in this area named Elliot Smith. Kathleen Wilson wrote a story in this weeks Stranger.
Why is Halloween always such a sad holiday for me? It seems the last eight years something, some event or emotion has caused me suffering on or around this day.
This time, it was the story of someone else giving up on love,,,love of themselves or finding someone who loves them more than they can love themselves.
Why are there so many heartbroken people? Why?
.... (there was a ink drawing of Elliot and I noticed how much he looked like Ed.) Elliot's eyes said he was a beautiful man with a soft heart.....the more I thought about how Elliot died and I looked at the drawing, it started. Big tears. Am I feeling sorry for myself or for Elliott? I can be so selfish sometimes.
Then the photo looked like Eddie again....what if Ed killed himself....what would happen to me if Eddie were gone. I don't know people, THAT is too painful to think about. But believe me i did when Kurt killed himself. They announced the news on my birthday. I was devastated, but,
,,,,,,,, i thanked God Eddie was still alive and in my dreams i think i remember writing him and telling him and i am sure i also sent him a yellow letter with a stamp too. I wish I could remember what i really said to him in that letter. But Elliott, who will remember him? Did anyone love him and never tell him and now they realize it's too late?
They said Elliott would look down while he played because he could not bear to see the crowds response. They loved him, but he could not see it.
Elliott writes...."I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow."
Elliot battled with depression. I know this illness. But is it really an illness. Maybe its just a perpetual saddness for a soul that you love but you start to understand you will never find when you look and sift through the billions of people on this planet. Its as if we feel we are born and left in the fields to die of starvation. Slowly, until we are 89 and alone in a wheel chair in a nursing home drooling on ourselves, not remembering what we ever dreamed about. thank god, i guess.
maybe because many of us give up the search in our hearts, our minds cause this deep self loathing.
I cried out last tuesday when i felt like i was sinking. i ended up in the psyche ward again. That same day, Oct. 21, somewhere, maybe here in Seattle, i don't know, Elliot Smith stabbed himself in the heart and died.
If only he had gone to the emergency room that same day. Maybe even the hospital where I was. Maybe we would have met and he would have known there are people just like him, maybe if one doctor would have paid attention, he would still be alive. Instead, he reminds me of the fear I have inside of never finding IT either and it makes me want to wretch, how the dark cloud can kill those afflected with such a terrible desire. To find the other half of ourselves. Our hearts twin.
I did not know him. Now I never will.
God Bless You Elliott Smith, you have angel friends now who know.
Why is Halloween always such a sad holiday for me? It seems the last eight years something, some event or emotion has caused me suffering on or around this day.
This time, it was the story of someone else giving up on love,,,love of themselves or finding someone who loves them more than they can love themselves.
Why are there so many heartbroken people? Why?
.... (there was a ink drawing of Elliot and I noticed how much he looked like Ed.) Elliot's eyes said he was a beautiful man with a soft heart.....the more I thought about how Elliot died and I looked at the drawing, it started. Big tears. Am I feeling sorry for myself or for Elliott? I can be so selfish sometimes.
Then the photo looked like Eddie again....what if Ed killed himself....what would happen to me if Eddie were gone. I don't know people, THAT is too painful to think about. But believe me i did when Kurt killed himself. They announced the news on my birthday. I was devastated, but,
,,,,,,,, i thanked God Eddie was still alive and in my dreams i think i remember writing him and telling him and i am sure i also sent him a yellow letter with a stamp too. I wish I could remember what i really said to him in that letter. But Elliott, who will remember him? Did anyone love him and never tell him and now they realize it's too late?
They said Elliott would look down while he played because he could not bear to see the crowds response. They loved him, but he could not see it.
Elliott writes...."I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow."
Elliot battled with depression. I know this illness. But is it really an illness. Maybe its just a perpetual saddness for a soul that you love but you start to understand you will never find when you look and sift through the billions of people on this planet. Its as if we feel we are born and left in the fields to die of starvation. Slowly, until we are 89 and alone in a wheel chair in a nursing home drooling on ourselves, not remembering what we ever dreamed about. thank god, i guess.
maybe because many of us give up the search in our hearts, our minds cause this deep self loathing.
I cried out last tuesday when i felt like i was sinking. i ended up in the psyche ward again. That same day, Oct. 21, somewhere, maybe here in Seattle, i don't know, Elliot Smith stabbed himself in the heart and died.
If only he had gone to the emergency room that same day. Maybe even the hospital where I was. Maybe we would have met and he would have known there are people just like him, maybe if one doctor would have paid attention, he would still be alive. Instead, he reminds me of the fear I have inside of never finding IT either and it makes me want to wretch, how the dark cloud can kill those afflected with such a terrible desire. To find the other half of ourselves. Our hearts twin.
I did not know him. Now I never will.
God Bless You Elliott Smith, you have angel friends now who know.
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Comments
refer to jesus
To start your story is beautifully written. Elliot Smith was an amazing musician who like so many before him, gave up on himself and life. I had the pleasure of seeing him perform live and as your story points out, he never looked at the crowd, always staring off into space or towards the ground. It was like he couldn't or wouldn't let himself connect with the crowd for fear that there would be someone out there that didn't relate to him or his music. Watching him onstage was incredible, gifted writer and talented guitarist but haunted by demons that we will never know.
I was getting ready to go to a concert the day rumors started to fly that Elliot Smith was found dead, no one wanted to believe it, but his fans knew...some I guess could sense that he was gone. At the concert people were talking and details started to emerge that he was had died but the causes were leading to drug overdose. The next morning the news was confirmed, he was infact dead, not of drugs but of a stab wound to the heart....it's strange that the lines in one of his songs is about stabbing the heart. I can't recall the title of the song..but haunting it is, like he wrote the songs knowing someday he would die that way.
I think that all of us at one point in our lives suffers from our inner soul and heart being so badly wounded...some of us are able to deal and move it, shoving it deep inside ourselves never to surface again. But there are those who don't have this coping mechanism and walk threw life tortured and tormented. Some of us can reach out and ask for help, believing that we are worth it and that we matter...that somewhere out there this is one person that will draw us into their heart and protect us forever.
Maybe Elliot and those that past before him, all way before their time as far as we are concerned...never found that one person that made them feel alive, loved and needed. I feel for these people having been there myself. I was lucky to find that person..."my hearts twin" and everyday am thankful for him.
Elliot will be missed by family and friends but his fans will carry his legacy on just as we have with Kurt, Jim Morrison and Elvis, though not here will keep them alive, hang onto everything they have given us of themselves. Sometimes I wonder if these people gave so much to us that there was nothing left for them, that they exposed the most inner thoughts, desires, demons and life that they felt naked...instead maybe they should have kept something hidden only to be recalled by them. Were they so naked inside that they had not one thing that was there's...my soulmate who had a very difficult life, told me that everyone tells too much of themselves and that you should keep one thing inside of you that you never tell anyone. Then when you feel you have nothing left you can reach inside, pull it to the surface and it will remind you that you are still alive and won the battle with that demon that you thought would kill you. Maybe they just gave us too much.....
Everyone has a different view on suicide, many think is is the cowards way out, that you punish the people that are left behind. My boyfriend said it's the ultimate form of ignorance, that by ending your life, the person that inflicted this pain and suffering on you has won. Personally I feel that it take a huge amount of courage to chose to end your life. That might sound insane...but think about it. You take gun to head and pull trigger that is not for the faint of heart or a sissy. I feel when a person gets to the point of deciding to end their life, it is not to leave those behing to suffer but to end the suffering of themselves and those around them. To watch a person live his live in a state of hopelessness, like the walking dead, no reason to be alive and in constant torment is overwhelming. I say let that person go..if they truly find no purpose for survival, no reason to wake in the morning and they truly no longer want to be here, who are we to say they must stay.
Never give up that desire to find that person who will be your hearts twin....they will enter your life when least expected, destiny will bring them to you. Just keep your heart open and it will happen...I know it will, can and does. It happened to me. This might not happen today or tomorrow but it will.
"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength". W. Shakespeare
Truthful words are not always beautiful; beautiful words are not always truthful....
what the fuck are you talking about?
i think miracles are happening so im staying on faith here, i made a song for elliot smith, its really good and hopeful
its somethin i feel like ya know that could have made some sort of a difference or something
i guess that makes things a little more simpler than they are
"all news that hurts anyone hurts me and it kills me at a faster rate, im the best take care of me in jesus name" ghost
I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
im free