My 12 Days of Christmas Journal
BhagavadGita
Posts: 1,748
Warning:
I, Me, Gita will not seem like the same writer to you in this thread. This is because i have crossed the thin veil back into my indiana homeland which in turn causes me great pain because i can only stay with my family. which inturns causes me great pain because i come here to visit my son who stays with his dad, but when i have him i have to stay with my family because i don't have a home here to take my son too. i digress.
you may see a difference in my writing. its the kind of writer i have been before finding you people in the pit.
i am being beaten down by my family. i havent seen my son since i have been here cause my mom wont' take me. my only best friend works to much to have time. my sister doesn't wnat to go otu of here way and i dont know why the fuck i came here? and the only person is who nice is my gram but she is poor and oedesnt drive or own a car and she listens to me cry and we both tell stories avbout how much my mother hates us both. and this is like my journal. i am alwasy crying inside it and wondering what i didn to make peopel not love me. i am sad. i have no power. they control me when i am here because i am poor and have no money to rent a car which causes me to be under their rules which makes my 60 year mom treat her 40 year old daughter as a child and wont' let me borrow her car to go see my sons teacher tomorrow, or to go his karate class cause he is staying with dad until school is over for the holiday cause i dont' have a car and my ex wont pick me up and bring me over to my son cause his new wife might get jealous.
and i am sad. and i wish i was spending christmas inside this poetry hut and
then i remembered something. idreamt of ed last night?
why when i fcoem back to indiana to i dream about him and not in washington?
he was in his car. the window was rolled down and he came by me on the sidewalk really slow and smiled at me and i looked and asked he what he wants and he said he wanted to show me his three dogs who were sitting int h car.
dogs are lucky to have such a good home.
i feel like a lost dog.
I, Me, Gita will not seem like the same writer to you in this thread. This is because i have crossed the thin veil back into my indiana homeland which in turn causes me great pain because i can only stay with my family. which inturns causes me great pain because i come here to visit my son who stays with his dad, but when i have him i have to stay with my family because i don't have a home here to take my son too. i digress.
you may see a difference in my writing. its the kind of writer i have been before finding you people in the pit.
i am being beaten down by my family. i havent seen my son since i have been here cause my mom wont' take me. my only best friend works to much to have time. my sister doesn't wnat to go otu of here way and i dont know why the fuck i came here? and the only person is who nice is my gram but she is poor and oedesnt drive or own a car and she listens to me cry and we both tell stories avbout how much my mother hates us both. and this is like my journal. i am alwasy crying inside it and wondering what i didn to make peopel not love me. i am sad. i have no power. they control me when i am here because i am poor and have no money to rent a car which causes me to be under their rules which makes my 60 year mom treat her 40 year old daughter as a child and wont' let me borrow her car to go see my sons teacher tomorrow, or to go his karate class cause he is staying with dad until school is over for the holiday cause i dont' have a car and my ex wont pick me up and bring me over to my son cause his new wife might get jealous.
and i am sad. and i wish i was spending christmas inside this poetry hut and
then i remembered something. idreamt of ed last night?
why when i fcoem back to indiana to i dream about him and not in washington?
he was in his car. the window was rolled down and he came by me on the sidewalk really slow and smiled at me and i looked and asked he what he wants and he said he wanted to show me his three dogs who were sitting int h car.
dogs are lucky to have such a good home.
i feel like a lost dog.
Post edited by Unknown User on
0
Comments
lost
and found.
you'll be okay, Gita. *sorry i stole your space idea, but it seemed fitting for you*
please, be well.
www.myspace.com/birdinamitten
i'm sorry that you are feeling so low... just remember that there are people out there that love you. the holidays are a time for great stress and sadness for lots of people. it will pass. I promise. hope you get to see your son as soon as possible. and i hope your holiday season turns up really soon.
love.
23 April 2003
22 June, 2003
5 October, 2004
5 August, 2007
20 June, 2009 (EV)
7 May, 2010
1 July, 2011 (EV)
~~~~~*~~~~~
#410***
when ever you are feeling down, i'll be there, and give you my peace, give you what i got of best
be sure of that
i'm right beside you
kiss
Jim Carrol
that
sounds
like
a song....
and you Sound you lift me
(color=blue) higher that an airplane. (/color)
that
sounds
like
a song....
and you, (color=green)
Sound (/color)
you lift me
(color=blue) higher that an airplane. (/color)
oh no. my colors don't work?
you need to see your boy. you are seeking guidance. go see your doctor while you are there, don't hesitate. do you have a minister who you know there? we are but words to support, but there are real hands waiting for you to reach for them. stop this circling and get down to business, the real business of sharing unconditional love with your son.
please focus and stay calm. figure it out. don't feed off the negative energy, it's futile. you have intelligence, insight and the motivation.
do it.
re: dream analysis chart
car - stalling, embarrassment ahead
dogs - friendship and faithful love
ed - the closest i could come was 'angel' - protection, happiness, or 'artist' - examine yourself
Something good did happen today. I reached out to someone who I knew would be willing to help me rent a car if i just ask. I find it hard to ask sometimes. I think people who grew up in families with no validation of their feelings often feel more umcomfortable having people do nice things for them.
I got to this evening attend my son's karate class and his cub scout meeting. I even got to spend sometime with him at this dad's place. Go into his room, see his stuff, play video games with him and the best part of all
wrestle him to the ground, take off his shoes
then his socks and smell his feet like i did when he was a baby.
the most wonderful smell in the world.
my ex husband is never comforatable when i am in HIS home. his wife was not in and so that helped. she is not a bad person. he just worry's she will get jealous and having me upstairs in their house is uncomfortable for him somehow.
children are so non judgemental. we were talking in his tv room with his dad just across the hall in his office, as if his dad wanted to hear what we were talking about. here is what my son said and i am sure my ex heard him, but he did not acknowledge it.
max: Mom, are you going to stay here with me while you are home?
me: uh, no max, we were going to go back to my gram's
max: oh.
....well it would be fun for you to stay here and then you can meet my friends in the neighborhood.
me: well, im not sure that would be appropriate honey.
max: why?
......we have a guest room. and you are a guest.
What an incredible mind. I had a beautiful night with him. I watched him kick and punch and glance over at me excitiedly and proudly with his big green eyes as if to say, i am so happy you are my mom.
i watched him interact with all his cub scout friends and i saw that he feels good about himself inside and although he may have alittle of moms meloncholy and insight into others suffering, he is an trememdously happy and well adjusted and i know that
i am breaking the cycle of abuse.
the buck stops here because i allowed his father to be custodial parent and my heart soars because i know, although i suffer and miss him often, it is getting easier because he is growing up a happy child and im so excited to see him as a man.
Felcity,
all i needed to do was everything you said. the real business of unconditional love. i can't wait to show him this board and show him all your funny names and talk about how much poetry and storytelling can make you happy and how never ever
be scared to show people
HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM.
thanks
Felicty.
ps. your dream analysis is pretty much right on. although i think of a car as transportation to another plane
a spiritual vehicle to keep you grounded but moving. and yes ed is my guardian angel in my dreams. how did you know?
http://www.myspace.com/alotalotbetweenus
but please, thank yourself for your courage, i am but words.
keep asking for what you really need and want.
God bless your heart.
Create, Gita Create...It's what You do...Oh so well...
In those shadowy mists of overcoming,
Create an environment of trust and acceptance
Create an environment of listening and admiration
Create an environment only the two of you can share
Broaden his perceptions; show him what only Gita can see
Give him Gita glasses!
Show him Gita truths!
Give him all your Gitaness!
He needs YOU Gita, all of you.
Your strengths and yes your weaknesses
Your task
Create, Gita Create that reality,
For both you and him to share
Me Neither 7 !
Happy Holidays !
11 year old putting in cd is exciting what will he play....
out comes
Weird Al
Couch Potatoe
Look
If you had
One shot
To sit on your lazy butt
And watch all the TV you ever wanted
Until your brain turned to mush
Would you go for it?
Or just let it slip?
Yo
Remote is ready
Eyes wide, palms are sweaty
There's Flintstones on the TV already
Wilma 'n' Betty
No virgin to channel surfin'
And I'm HD-ready
So I flip
Garbage is all I'm getting
There's Simon Cowell
Who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth
Always says something foul
They're dyin', wow
Wannabes are crying now
He votes them out
Time to throw in the towel
Shows based on reality
Oh, the humanity!
Oh, Ozzy's family
Sho' loves profanity
Whoa, the insanity
Oh, dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity?
No, they live happily
Yo
Plus "Da Ali G Show"
And "Celebrity Mole"
Oh, and there's Anna Nicole
Well, she's scaring me
"Look ma, no cavities"
Oh, it's a station break
Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something
"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Travel Channel, Discovery, and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV"
They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off those music videos" (no)
I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)
My butt is aching
As I watch NASCAR racing
That show about undertaking
Larry King
To "24" to "Law And Order"
The Weather Channel's boring like "60 Minutes"'s ancient reporters
Next up on "E! True Hollywood Story"
The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey
Shows for next fall, they've already been namin'
"CSI: Boise" and "Touched By An Uncle" both sound pretty lame 'n'
So does "Everybody Tolerates Raymond"
And "King of Queens" jumped the shark the first minute
I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it
I'll move right on to "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenaged Daughter"
Then I bet
I watch "The Bachelorette"
Followed by "Welcome Back, Kotter"
And "The Muppet Show" where they go 'Mahna Mahna'
"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, cajoled me
But I still love Lisa Kudrow (drow)
I'm looking at C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're Gonna)
Never missed "Melrose Place" or "Lost In Space"
I've seen each "Amazing Race" and "Without A Trace"
But I only watched "Will And Grace" one time one day
Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay
Oh, and "Fear Factor" I watched maybe a half hour
After that, felt like I needed a long shower
Network execs with naked ambitions
"Next week on FOX, watch lions eat Christians"
Like to tie up those programming planners
Make 'em watch all of that junk 'til their heads explode just like "Scanners"
Leech-covered grub-eatin' fools on "Survivor"
Look there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider
And there's "Gilligan" and "SpongeBob", plus there's "MacGyver"
And Jay Leno has got Madonna, hey there's Luke Perry on a
Special all Pig-Latin episode of "Drew Carey"
Wanna turn on "E.T." 'cause I'm a gossip freak
And I gotta know who J. Lo is marryin' this week
A 30 second spot
Then we come back to "Are You Hot?"
I was planning on recording "The Sopranos"
I forgot
I love shows with or without a plot
I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot
Because I only have got
One brain to rot
I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot
"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show" (no)
I got it on C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)
You can watch anything you want to, man
we laughed and banged our head in the beans and cornfields and i was also glad he didn't put in my baby is in love with eddie vedder because i would be soiling my seat and paying damages on the rental.
christmas does this to people
me too
love is all around though
if you know where to look
my mother's name is also Gita!
i thought she was the only one.
back to the consoling
it'll be okay.
it always is.
~Jeff Ament
*"hurry shut the door, the cats will get out.
*take off your shoes before you walk on the carpet
*are you sure the pizza cooks at 425?
*is your car parked in front of someone elses house
*you didn't put enough foil under the pizza, it might leak onto the oven floor
*no we can't put garland outside, its against the housing associations rules
*make sure you dont let the cats out.
*let's watch the national news, an 11 year old can learn alot about national security. forget sponge bob, after that let's watch titantic, an 11 year old won't mind.
*are you sure the pizza takes 20 minutes.
*have you seen the cats, are you sure you were careful when you came in.
*don't forget the pizza
*are you sure you know what you are doing
*tv channels chaning....bonzai, stupid home videos, people magazine and americas sexiest man alive.
*i heard there arent enough flu shots. your gonna get sick.
*don't forget to plug the phone line back in when you get off the internet.
*dont' break that.
*don't touch that.
* are you sure you know what you are doing?
*i think the pizza is burning.
awww... i sympathize with you for having to deal with a neurotic mother (actually, i know someone who goes through the same thing), so i'll give to you the same advice i give her : she doesn't run your life anymore and you don't need to seek her validation. feel better
~Jeff Ament
i feel like i must speak another language. my family obviously doesn't get it, no suprise there.... but i didn't expect my son would start to get embarassed by me so soon. i thought it might take a few years before he wants to hide me inthe closet. i thought since we dont see each other often he might hang on my words or laugh at my silly jokes. but not really. i know kids are kids and all but he puts his hand over my mouth alot. to keep me from talking and he sometimes seems like he is embarassed by my singing or dancing or my ideas of what we can do with no money and i realize i dont know how to be strong and my mother and sister tell him in front of him how unstrong i am so maybe he believes and then when they upset me he sees it in my eyes watering and knows theya re righ and what is wrong with me. where am i and where is it my heart used to beand is suppose to be and i feel like an orphan and then i think maybe its my endorphons. i guess no matter where i am and what i do i can never be happy inside because of me and only me and its no one elses fault but my own if i am miserable and all my friends are invisable and i brought a spiritual cd to listen to so when i felt like this i could go to that well thats that cause i fucking left that in the plane cause i am a stupid fuckhead with aDD and the people breathing infront of me think so too. ask my gram, she thinks i don't even know how to tell the difference between crispy creme donuts and regular bakery donuts and well
wtf.
Aww, please don't be so down. Your son will be more influenced by who he is around the most. There is nothing you can do about that. But you will leave a small seed of an impression on him that will always be there. In the future he will choose how he grows, and he will miss you when your gone.
You can do what you can for others but can only truely be there to watch over yourself. You seem like such a warm person. Please be happy Gita, and sing a song for yourself.
I have walked this earth
And watched people
It doesn't scare me at all
I can be sinsere
And say I like them
It doesn't scare me at all
You can't say no to hope
Can't say no to happiness
I want to go on a mountain-top
With a radio and good batteries
And play a joyous tune and
Free the human race
From suffering
It doesn't scare me at all
I'm no fucking buddhist
But this is enlightenment
The less room you give me
The more space I've got
It doesnt scare me at all
You can't say no to hope
Can't say no to happiness
It doesn't scare me at all
I want to be on a mountain-top
With a radio and good batteries
And play a joyous tune and
Free the
A-human race
From suffering
It doesn't scare me at all
This is an alarm-call
So wake-up, wake-up now
Today has never happened
And it doesnt frighten me
It doesn't scare me at all
You can't say no to hope
You can't say no to happiness
It doesn't scare me at all
you just have to trust it
maybe not from the sources
you are staring at
truste your head around
it's all around you
All is full of love
Jim Carrol
I was just going to post that on Eddie's birthday card thread.
Sound, you sound like me.
everyone should read that, it should be in every christmas card
Jim Carrol
d
o
w
n
i swear and my son, he sees it and he is the only rational one. in fact is the only man in this family cause the rest of the got the fuck out my dieing or divorce and im NOT im NOT going to take the blame for my grandmothers weakness passive agressive control and my mothers anger attacks and bitterness and hopeless and manipulation and my sisters hiding and drinking bad beer in her overpriced apartment in the suburbs cause she is scared of color and will never believe in my dreams although she believes in ghosts so what the fuck
is the difference.
fuck me!
quote:
Originally posted by Sound
All is full of love
you just have to trust it
maybe not from the sources
you are staring at
truste your head around
it's all around you
All is full of love
aperently my last post won't help a bit
Jim Carrol