hey...

FancyFacade

could yall please critique this. i know parts of it are very cliche, please tell me how to improve it. thank you.

"Waiting"

here he comes with his funny walk
sometimes i wear it too
always leaving church alone
wish i could be leaving with you

Spirit says dont awaken love
until it pleases
but its always hard
still ill listen to Jesus

this feeling when i look at your face
is like ive known you forever
sitting peacefully in my heart
it would survive any weather

Spirit says dont awaken love
until it pleases
but its always hard
still ill listen to Jesus

the loner and his reserved wife
were made for each other
carved and molded into a creation together
joined as one forever

ive never seen a painting
as beautiful as this
colors that have never been seen
saved for each other; our shared dream.

Spirit says dont awaken love
until it pleases
but its always hard
yet, ill listen to Jesus

FinsburyParkCarrots

Have you music to that one?

Traver DiDiminico

i've no real critiques for you. Good poem. I think your meaning comes across well, which is always a good thing. If you're wondering how to get better, practice intentionally not rhyming. For instance, when a rhyme seems natural, choose a different word on purpose and the effect will be heightened.

Peace Out

FinsburyParkCarrots

Originally posted by Traver DiDiminico
i've no real critiques for you. Good poem. I think your meaning comes across well, which is always a good thing. If you're wondering how to get better, practice intentionally not rhyming. For instance, when a rhyme seems natural, choose a different word on purpose and the effect will be heightened.

Peace Out

I like that advice.

Another tip I might suggest is to try rhymes that almost border on doggerel. That kind of deliberate slackness frees your poem up from the risk of self-importance. Auden tried this, as did Kavanagh. When you're making a 'deep' point, modify its sermonising propensities somewhat, in the next line, with a rhyming word from our most mundane everyday life. The juxtaposition in a couplet of profundity and mundanity will work! It might jar, and there will be those who think it a "bad rhyme", but they know nothing: Nothing is more dull than a blanket wall of seriousness, after all! Nothing is more human than the play between the serious and the silly. Enjoy playing with cliche! You use it well and balance it enjoyably with your deeper insights. Your work will be all the more beautiful for it.

FancyFacade

thanks. decided to add some:


every time i have ever felt feelings for anyone else
it has been silly---
but its right with you

its just dumb
to consider these other tawdry roads

everywhere i go
you are with me

your face...

FancyFacade

btw, i do have music for it--i really like the music. i actually wrote the music first. maybe one day i will share an mp3--

ISN

I like all the advice people gave you and have none to add....but what's the picture?

I feel a peom coming on....gotta go....