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john

SoLATisASoLATisA Posts: 215
edited June 2004 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
trying so hard
and getting ahead....
leaves you alone
searching for beds....

find hope on a couch,
but never for long....
back on streets,
back in the wrong....

advancing yourself,
only brings you back...
and trying to move,
back flat on your back...

sleep under the wood,
and do it again....

how i wish,
i could help you...
just give you the most...
and see you all through...

it's just hard for me
to comprehend...
how someone so smart...
is back there again...

i've seen it so much,
with all of my friends...
falling behind....
and reaching the end...

if i could just try
and fade it away....
i'd give my life...
to make you all stay
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • robertthecatrobertthecat Posts: 69
    This is nice. Quick question though, where is the place that the subject wants everyone to stay?
  • SoLATisASoLATisA Posts: 215
    Originally posted by robertthecat
    This is nice. Quick question though, where is the place that the subject wants everyone to stay?

    the subject is me

    and the place to stay is on the right path to happiness, success, and love






    thanks for reading,,, i'm hesitant to share most of what i write
  • robertthecatrobertthecat Posts: 69
    This is really a good piece. I like to offer an honest review to people I think would be open to hearing one and I invite others to review my work in the same way. If I'm too much for you, please let me know, and I'll stop.

    Anyway, I think that this poem would be greatly strengthened by having you define the happiness you speak of. I don't think it would matter whether you mentioned it in pieces throughout the poem or explain it at the end. I think that one the many strengths of this poem is how you place such great emphasis on the word "stay" when the all the images you present before it focus on movement and instability. This would probably be a good thing for you to do personally, since writing is good medicine.

    Personally, perhaps it would be best to place your heart behind you for awhile and give everything up to the wind to see things as they really are. If you listen closely, the wind will lead you to where you need, place those in your life you need and will lead you to rediscover your heart. I had to do this several times myself and rediscovered that each day holds at least one treasure that I must work to find.
  • rarghrargh-brownstarrarghrargh-brownstar Posts: 1,272
    josh! please post more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
    i loved it!!!!!!!!!!!
    Rarghstarfarian.
  • EvilToasterElfEvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    Nice Piece, just get rid of the ellipses, they just distract the reader from the lines
  • SoLATisASoLATisA Posts: 215
    Originally posted by EvilToasterElf
    Nice Piece, just get rid of the ellipses, they just distract the reader from the lines

    sorry... those were written as i was thinking of the next line... i usually never write.. but i was in such a state that this came together quick... like the lines together were quick... but getting a new series of lines started wasn't so easy
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