opinions desired
xmascleanlove
Posts: 55
i'm taking a poetry class and i like writing but i don't know if this poetry stuff is my bag...you tell me?
I wOn=t RE ad thi s o ut lou D”
Recall the first meeting to twist in the knife,
for the 51st time. In only one life.
Hazy.
Tousled, blonde hair.
Around sunset’s peak, while the moon peeked
Growing up is right around the bend.
Who gets a chance like this again?
Losing.
Clothes, kisses, fights (little fights).
Winning.
A reason to try to smile.
Hide in the shadows
The light created,
On the bedspread while you slept.
And no one cares.
And no one should.
Moments time helps to forget.
Lips that never left marks on her belly,
wish now to scrub clean this heart.
I’ll SMASH YOUR FACE WITH CHOCLATE CAKE TO HELP EXPLAIN YOUR TASTE!!!!
live in the memories of skin and stains. (and no one cares…and no one should)
One month made of immune mistakes.
Questions.
Answered by tears, before asked.
Growing up is creeping in.
Can’t say goodbye to the worst sins.
Lost fingers,
where the sun spits,
on the worst sins.
…don’t measure passing time so long as waves still crash…
…and waves will crash…
YEARS murder the months in you.
I killed all the us in you.
How often does he come in you?
ONCE UPON A TIME.
Pound myself over the head,
while learning,
of your new found fascination,
for anal beads and sewing.
Out of the blue!
A tall bald guy.
Loves military boots and religious rock music.
Tells me,
he’s the cause of your orgasms.
He’s very clear on that.
No one likes to mention.
Things,
censured out of fairy tales. (and no one should)
Ending on a somber note.
With a friendly last embrace.
Leaving out the boring parts.
Learning how to hate.
I wOn=t RE ad thi s o ut lou D”
Recall the first meeting to twist in the knife,
for the 51st time. In only one life.
Hazy.
Tousled, blonde hair.
Around sunset’s peak, while the moon peeked
Growing up is right around the bend.
Who gets a chance like this again?
Losing.
Clothes, kisses, fights (little fights).
Winning.
A reason to try to smile.
Hide in the shadows
The light created,
On the bedspread while you slept.
And no one cares.
And no one should.
Moments time helps to forget.
Lips that never left marks on her belly,
wish now to scrub clean this heart.
I’ll SMASH YOUR FACE WITH CHOCLATE CAKE TO HELP EXPLAIN YOUR TASTE!!!!
live in the memories of skin and stains. (and no one cares…and no one should)
One month made of immune mistakes.
Questions.
Answered by tears, before asked.
Growing up is creeping in.
Can’t say goodbye to the worst sins.
Lost fingers,
where the sun spits,
on the worst sins.
…don’t measure passing time so long as waves still crash…
…and waves will crash…
YEARS murder the months in you.
I killed all the us in you.
How often does he come in you?
ONCE UPON A TIME.
Pound myself over the head,
while learning,
of your new found fascination,
for anal beads and sewing.
Out of the blue!
A tall bald guy.
Loves military boots and religious rock music.
Tells me,
he’s the cause of your orgasms.
He’s very clear on that.
No one likes to mention.
Things,
censured out of fairy tales. (and no one should)
Ending on a somber note.
With a friendly last embrace.
Leaving out the boring parts.
Learning how to hate.
if you're a pot smoker and you don't own a ukulele you're fuckin up...but then once you get a ukulele you might end up moving to a guitar because its a gateway instrument you know
~ EV 6/25/03
~ EV 6/25/03
Post edited by Unknown User on
0
Comments
First, let me just say that there are two parts of this poem that I stand up and ovate:
YEARS murder the months in you.
I killed all the us in you.
How often does he come in you?
ONCE UPON A TIME.
and...
I’ll SMASH YOUR FACE WITH CHOCLATE CAKE TO HELP EXPLAIN YOUR TASTE!!!!
That first passage is beautiful. The rhyme and rhythm and wordplay and anger and snarling... oooo ::shivers:: It's a gem.
The second one I like maybe for my interpretation but maybe not... I read it as an outlashing at her sacchariny personality. (is sacchariny a word? Root word saccharine: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2&q=saccharine) I'm a nerd. I might change "...to help explain..." to maybe "in tribute to" or something. But that's just me, and my name is not xmascleanlove.
Now that the standing o' has calmed down...
You have some powerful images in here and I can see your mind has a poetic ability to it. It needs honed. The poem seems to be very disorganized and helter skelter. It hops around, not only in rhythm, but in context, ideas, and tone. It needs to be focused and some parts will probably need to be cut out. You can use them in another poem if you like, but you just have too many ideas and it's a little overkill.
You're like a kid on Christmas morning, just ripping open presents and not really exploring any of them.
While on the topic... I'd like to point out something I think is extra or too much... the part where you hold my hand and tell me "She's with another guy, and this is what he's like, and this is why he's better than me, and here, let me do the thinking for you."
As a poetry reader, I prefer to have these things implied. That's why I think the "come in you" stanza is genius, but mostly if left alone and not followed by this explanatory stanza. Either take it out completely, or fog it up a little so you're not telling me what's up, you're giving the clues.
All in all, pretty good for a freshman effort (assuming, from your prelude, that this is a freshman effort). Just relax a little, gel your thoughts, and you can coax a cohesive piece out of your ideas.
I promise!
Keep writing!
my opinion is basically if you like-- Love
you are a poet
i mean, desire has to come first...how bad you want it...cuz if it's in you, you gotta do it
i know others here would disagree with me, but i truly believe that in order to Read poetry...
to See it, feel it, enter in to it......
the reader has to have the mind of a poet.
Poetry is a separate, condensed language. You speak it.
the best avenue to take is READ. the more well-read you become, the more you can begin to ground your own voice, see what works, and most important: Be Your Own Judge...
this poem so works for me/above, because i can feel your passion, your sense of image, your Need to take it to the poem.
Mostly, too, only write if it is pleasing to you.
Kind of listen to others...professors and such....but really, go your own way. i blew off my "creative writing class" the instructor was really judgmental and limiting, so i dropped.
good luck with your semester~~
Poetry seems to be your bag as I perceive it.