highway poem
Buru
Posts: 8,473
just the usual babble....
needs much more work and trimming, this poem is out of shape, just like me
Highway poem
If you stray from the middle
you might collide,
but who guides this direction,
who carves this path?
the grey lamp-posts stand watch like
silent guards
they loom forever ahead
On every side...
where does this road lead,
this artifice
crafted by sweat and labour,
ploughing through country and life?
the houses dotted at its sides,
small reminders of humanity
receptacles of joy and strife,
Of bills and deadlines...
The trees a blur of green,
Of hurried nature,
An afterthought
painted hastily into
the picture
Ruled by lines and signs...
51 the sign reads
as trees and lights fly past
52 coming over,
and this won't be the last
of things you'll see
before you must
turn away,
step aside to
take the curve
to exit sixty-nine.
another road
and nothing's changed,
The trees are blurred
the houses house
no real warm
the picture is ruled by
signs and lines,
the lamp-posts
relentless
on either side.
Buru
needs much more work and trimming, this poem is out of shape, just like me
Highway poem
If you stray from the middle
you might collide,
but who guides this direction,
who carves this path?
the grey lamp-posts stand watch like
silent guards
they loom forever ahead
On every side...
where does this road lead,
this artifice
crafted by sweat and labour,
ploughing through country and life?
the houses dotted at its sides,
small reminders of humanity
receptacles of joy and strife,
Of bills and deadlines...
The trees a blur of green,
Of hurried nature,
An afterthought
painted hastily into
the picture
Ruled by lines and signs...
51 the sign reads
as trees and lights fly past
52 coming over,
and this won't be the last
of things you'll see
before you must
turn away,
step aside to
take the curve
to exit sixty-nine.
another road
and nothing's changed,
The trees are blurred
the houses house
no real warm
the picture is ruled by
signs and lines,
the lamp-posts
relentless
on either side.
Buru
y la banda de Guille... cuando toca?
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
it's a road much travelled
each day to and from work
it just gets tired after a while
steaming heat from risen street to meet the night
the bends the turns the missed stoplights each
playing parts (a thief! be still my beating heart!)
a thief bereft of pride drives cars of cards down
empty broken black-red roads lined green light
on each widow's sticky busted windowsill
high heeled and quiet
how he was so fucking sly
coke-slaked skin
match sky on fire
dress drips kerosene
hand match smile
be the phoenix, bitch, and fly
thanks for your contribution
I think there are about 8-10 verses worth saving
that could be worked into something better
get rid of the obvious and the filler
but I was just lacking inspiration to do it
PS. thanks lifeisworth for your poem contribution. And tenacious: hiya!
it's still not quite there, but it's getting there, I think!
Highway poem
the grey lamp-posts stand watch like
silent guards
they loom forever ahead
On this deserted road,
On every side of
this meandering artifice
crafted by human hands,
this concrete snake
ploughing through country and life.
The houses dotted at its sides,
small reminders of humanity,
Easily forgotten
Receptacles of joy and strife.
The trees a blur of green,
Of hurried nature,
An afterthought
painted hastily into
the picture
Ruled by lines and signs...
"Fifty-one" the sign reads
As trees and lights fly past
And this won't be the last
of things you'll see
before you must
turn away,
step aside to
take the curve
that leads to other lies...
To other roads of
Blurred trees and
Dotted lifes
Of human snakes
and concrete guards,
The lamp-posts
relentless
on either side.
Buru [/B][/quote]
u are soo deep
and talented
please post more
beautiful!!!
u and bob have similar writing styles (well ive only read one of his poems lol....maybe u two could colaborate and come up with something great
haha, thanks Rargh - you make me blush.
Not so sure there's talent in this one but I like a few things in this poem.
did you read the original version or the reworked one?
thats a hard question...hmmmmmmmmmmm both are good in their own ways........hold on...i ll write what i like about them both in another post.........
i wish i could write like that... like not saying too little or too much
thats what makes a good writer (in my opinion)..and maybe i m looking too into this, but its uncanny how urs and bob's writing style is similar, actually its cool...................
let me read the two versions again.......:)
:rolleyes: pahleaseeeee
they are both good
and this might be just a biased generic response, but i like it how the original last stanza of the first version is connected to the paragraph of the second poem(if that makes any sense) it flows better, but it can really work both ways ....u have to read this several times...what lovely scenery...sighhhhhhh
*buru's fanclub- groupie
imagery is soo lovely..damn girl!
less is more.........(words) u know the exact words to use
I think I get what you mean... and thanks!! I don't think I've ever had a groupie before!
I did not notice that Bob and I write in similar ways, but I'll be sure to check out next time he writes something
and took lots of time.....and then it said i had too many characters
and i went back, but it was gone...:p oh well
i actually made sense though....:D
sorry about that, it really sucks
I hate it when I lose my posts, it's so grrrr irritating
but you replied more than I ever expected in this thread - so thanks
**ive never been a groupie before either**
first of all, the are both very unique in their own ways if very similar.
its like a painting, with ur loverly imagery:
the grey lamp-posts stand watch like
silent guards
i love this inception, as the personfication opens the reader to a mysterious pathway.
the lamp-posts
relentless
on either side.
-lovely cohesion at the end.
the first one has that pastoral sweetness to it
while the second one has the twist of exotic flavour with the
snake metaphors, and "the human hands" gives it more of a majestic undertone.
what the heck am i talking about?
these are poems u can read over and over again to find meanings
thanks to u buru my friend
it wasnt that great
i think i replied too much :eek:
I think I get what you mean... -ur too nice :rolleyes: i might've looked over that too fast
and yeah, bob (that poo!) doesnt write much..and when he does
its classic......hes just a sweet busy bee
have u sent these out??
Sent them out where?
i.e. No, I haven't
I did some final/minor changes on the 2nd version (time will tell how final they are, lol) but your input was part responsible for them so you can feel good about that!!
A poetry-groupie influencing the poet's decisions!
This is poetry in motion.
That IS poetry in motion.
oooooohhhhhh im a groupie with a purpose - nice!
i have to see this
k the second one's prose sounds faster and flowing a bit more rapidly......theres more of a dichotomy between the two now, the contemporary world, and the pioneer. i might be totally off.....
Incredible poem Buru
thank you for sharing
~~its better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you are not~~
F.ZAPPA
the grey lamp-posts stand watch
silent guards that loom forever ahead
On this deserted road, every side of
this meandering artifice
(nice phrase)
crafted by human hands,
this concrete snake
(Does a snake really plough?)
ploughing through country and life.
The houses dotted at its sides,
small reminders of humanity,
Easily forgotten
Receptacles of joy and strife.
(Telling not showing)
The trees a green blur,
(more direct than blur of green)
Of hurried nature,
An afterthought
painted hastily into
the picture
(Still my favorite line)
Ruled by lines and signs...
"Fifty-one" the sign reads
As trees and lights fly past
[And this won't be the last
of things you'll see
before you must
turn away,
step aside to
take the curve
that leads to other lies...]
This whole section seems
distant, as if you were trying
to force meaning into it, it's
too vague
To other roads of
Blurred trees and
Dotted lifes
Of human snakes
and concrete guards,
The lamp-posts
relentless
on either side.
Good final image, but I think the end
could be stronger still. Keep working
on it, or even put it away for a while
and come back to it
ETE