The Child
Buru
Posts: 8,473
keeping up with the reuniting with the child within idea...
hope you like it
The baby cried
And the tear dropped
Glistening in the pale sunlight
As leaves swirled
In lovely disarray,
Dancing to some unknown melody
The wind provided.
As I crawled on all fours
Once more...
Rediscovering beauty
And the child
I once had lost
Or left alone somewhere,
Now gaily jumping my way again
Reunited in sorrow
But no longer forlorn.
And though her smile was sad
And though she cried,
I found heaven in her voice
In those silent complaints
And pleading eyes,
That so narrowly missed
Untimely death...
Still the child within me
Grown bitter with time perhaps
But still she smiled...
And the trees bent over
To lay their fruits
At her feet
And the birds sang sweet melodies
Of long lost love
And early promises
That died on young lips,
But where brought again to me
By the wayward wind.
Soft words clinging to me
Holding on with dear life
Lest my stubborn ears
Not hear...
Now I feel them embrace me
With soothing hands,
Whispering comforts
About gentle lives
Laying you down beside me
As you take your last breath
And I take mine...
Sleep now my sweet child
And I'll close me eyes
Sleep now,
We are together at last.
Buru.
hope you like it
The baby cried
And the tear dropped
Glistening in the pale sunlight
As leaves swirled
In lovely disarray,
Dancing to some unknown melody
The wind provided.
As I crawled on all fours
Once more...
Rediscovering beauty
And the child
I once had lost
Or left alone somewhere,
Now gaily jumping my way again
Reunited in sorrow
But no longer forlorn.
And though her smile was sad
And though she cried,
I found heaven in her voice
In those silent complaints
And pleading eyes,
That so narrowly missed
Untimely death...
Still the child within me
Grown bitter with time perhaps
But still she smiled...
And the trees bent over
To lay their fruits
At her feet
And the birds sang sweet melodies
Of long lost love
And early promises
That died on young lips,
But where brought again to me
By the wayward wind.
Soft words clinging to me
Holding on with dear life
Lest my stubborn ears
Not hear...
Now I feel them embrace me
With soothing hands,
Whispering comforts
About gentle lives
Laying you down beside me
As you take your last breath
And I take mine...
Sleep now my sweet child
And I'll close me eyes
Sleep now,
We are together at last.
Buru.
y la banda de Guille... cuando toca?
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
Makes me htink of all of the wonderfully naive things I thought and did as a kid. Sometimes I wish I could be that naive again:)
Nuclear fission
pale sunlight - what does that mean? It's a cliche and it doesn't really describe anything, it's an abstraction
reunited in sorrow - your telling us how we should feel about this reunion, let the lines after this show us instead
wayward wind - another cliche, try finding another way to describe it
The sentiment in this poem is quite beautiful, but when you read back your stuff make sure everything says exactly what you want to say and not a phrase or image that you've seen or heard before saying something for you. This poem will only get better, and it will become more and more yours with every revision
I know 2/3 of this poem is mostly cliché, I was feeling too happy at the moment
probably a few revisions would tone it down a bit, make it less naive and still keep the sentiment, but I just don't have the heart to do it.