Friday 2 a.m

Buru

I am not sure about posting this, it was written in a rush, but here goes anyway.


The nurse
She is used to the blood
She has cleaned many superficial wounds
But cared never to go deeper
She pays no more attention
Than she would a passing dog
You bleed silently
Like so many fools
And the books in shelves offer no solace
No matter how much you read
Or how wise you think you are
The hanging clothes laugh anyway
The pillows mock,
Invite you to sorrow
To pour out your words
They’ll gladly suck the life of you
And offer little in return
Sometimes it happens during the day
Then, it always catches you unaware
It’s difficult to hide
To brave the smile…
Night brings with her another story
The stars watch expectant
For surely something will happen
If they just wait
And all these eyes on you
This silent audience
Does nothing to stop you
They seem to urge you on
To let go
To give up
To jump foolishly into the arms
Of despair
And so the game begins
For that is all it is
An appointment to feel sorry about yourself
A forty minute session
A momentary escape
Nothing new gained from the experience
Too drained to think
That is the reward
I guess…

Buru.

EvilToasterElf

Interesting, I assume the whole thing is about giving blood, but I might have missed something

First things first get rid of "Invite you to sorrow"

Jump into the arms of despair isn't quite as cliche'd but you might want to try rewording that as well

Those two lines cheapen what is otherwise the start of a very interesting poem - keep working with the metaphor, I liked the beginning a lot, there is so much more you can do with this, just use your words, don't bother telling us how we should feel for you, abstractions like sorrow and despair take away our ability to interpret your images, and they are certainly better on their own

good work, keep it up

tenaciousA

to this miss buru i must say

hot damn!

AND


fuck yeah


...an appointment to feel sorry about yourself.... tee hee

(sorry, maybe i shouldn't laugh... BUT there is so much strength in here... i just love it)

Buru

A revision of the poem... I might still work a little bit more on it.

Thanks EvilToasterElf and Tenacious for the comments.

It's actually about crying at night, the nurse is just symbolism, as is the blood. And a false nurse at that, for there is no true healing, at least that's how I saw it when writing. An image of a nurse came to mind, so I made her part of the poem
But you can make whatever you will of it.


The nurse moves around
Efficient,
Resolute in rustling white
One prick and she is in
Skin wasn't as hard as it seemed
But this is hardly a surprise...
The nurse,
She is used to the blood
She has cleaned many superficial wounds
But cared never to go deeper
She pays no more attention
Than she would a passing dog
You bleed silently
Like so many fools
And the books in shelves offer no solace
No matter how much you read
Or how wise you think you are
The hanging clothes laugh anyway
The pillows mock,
As inviting as they might appear
They’ll gladly suck the life of you
And offer little in return.
Sometimes it happens during the day
Then, it always catches you unaware
It’s difficult to hide
To brave the smile…
Night brings with her another story
Nurses that don't bother with disguise
They assure
No harm will be done.
The stars watch expectant
For surely something will happen
If they just wait
And all these eyes on you
This silent audience
Does nothing to stop you
They seem to urge you on
To let go
To give up
To dwell and never move on
And so the game begins
For that is all it is
An appointment to feel sorry about yourself
A forty minute session
A momentary escape
Nothing new gained from the experience
Too drained to think
That is the reward
I guess…

Buru.

EvilToasterElf

Hehe, I keep reading it and the nurse, and drain, the appointment, I keep getting blood donation - but the poem should feel a lot better to you now - because it's a lot tighter and sounds a lot better

Good work Buru keep it up

Buru

I think that's part of the idea, I feel like my tears are my blood, sort of thing, they are so much part of me
but it's good it can be interpreted different ways

Originally posted by EvilToasterElf
Hehe, I keep reading it and the nurse, and drain, the appointment, I keep getting blood donation - but the poem should feel a lot better to you now - because it's a lot tighter and sounds a lot better

Good work Buru keep it up