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Leaving Here?

Barroom HeroBarroom Hero Posts: 76
edited June 2004 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
"Tomorrow is the day I leave,"
Teddy said one time.
"I will pack up my bags and go
'cause I'm in my prime.
This poor old town is not for me,
cheap ole' southern grime."

Packing his things, he dropped his hat.
Says couldn't forget the time we sat
next to the river and chucked stones,
behind the barn, the passioned groans
or the singing bands of bluegrass,
or the stubborn turns of dad's ass.

When I saw him walking back, I thought,
"He didn't need to go.
His life's here where we sang our tunes.
Give up his dreams, no!
He can still work at Tom's garage store."
...that was twelve years ago...
Liberal Douchebags that Blame Bush for Everything are Useless Pieces of Trash. I Shit on You.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Posts: 12,223
    Formally there are switches between tetrameter and pentameter that make me wonder if you've written these as lyrics for a chordal progression. In terms of the treatment of narrative time, I like the balance of narrative description and reflection; there are two time zones here. Their effect suggests a subtext: What is not said raises questions about the poem's thematic implications. What happens to people who stay in this town? What is that town like? Is it really that bad? The speaks talks in a deliberately good-old boy, singsong register: is this an ironic device to convey the speaker's lack of sophistication and lack of cultural development, having stayed at home while his friend moved away? This is a much more clever poem than people might think on the first few readings.

    Thank you, barroom. You're not afraid to write using different voices, and unreliable narrators. That to me is a sign of burgeoning artistic maturity.
  • Barroom HeroBarroom Hero Posts: 76
    The wider variations in meter for the first and third stanzas were more experimental than anything, but it does resemble the sing-song qualities of say, a bluegrass band?

    I'm never too sure about my poems, but at the very least, this one attempts to capture the struggle between one's home and one's own aspirations. I did leave a rural town with lots of friends before, and sometimes I wonder if that was such a wonderful choice.
    Liberal Douchebags that Blame Bush for Everything are Useless Pieces of Trash. I Shit on You.
  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Posts: 12,223
    Originally posted by Barroom Hero
    The wider variations in meter for the first and third stanzas were more experimental than anything, but it does resemble the sing-song qualities of say, a bluegrass band?

    Umm, I don't think this would fit a traditional 32-bar structure but the second stanza has the feel of the "B" part of a song lyric.

    I'm sure I could summon something on my old DADGAD strung guitar right now that fits the words. However, it IS four in the morning here, so I shall try tomorrow!
  • Barroom HeroBarroom Hero Posts: 76
    Originally posted by FinsburyParkCarrots
    Umm, I don't think this would fit a traditional 32-bar structure but the second stanza has the feel of the "B" part of a song lyric.

    I'm sure I could summon something on my old DADGAD strung guitar right now that fits the words. However, it IS four in the morning here, so I shall try tomorrow!

    Ah yes, '32 bars makes a full phrase' is what I learned in Music Theory, should've remembered that! I actually wrote an ensemble version of "Red is the Rose" for my Music Theory class to play, though, with disastrous results! YOU try writing a piece for violin, euphonium, bassoon (my instrument), flute, vibraphone, piano, and vocal. Heh, darn near impossible.

    You mean, you should try playing it "later today." It happens to be 11pm where I am, so yes, you SHOULD play it tomorrow.
    Liberal Douchebags that Blame Bush for Everything are Useless Pieces of Trash. I Shit on You.
  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Posts: 12,223
    Holy schmoly, that's some arrangement. I'll stick to the guitar.

    Yes, yes, I was conflating time zones - nay, days - in the last post. Forgive me my momentary lapses of reason. As an old man I am allowed these moments of imbecility. :D
  • Barroom HeroBarroom Hero Posts: 76
    Originally posted by FinsburyParkCarrots
    Holy schmoly, that's some arrangement. I'll stick to the guitar.

    Yes, yes, I was conflating time zones - nay, days - in the last post. Forgive me my momentary lapses of reason. As an old man I am allowed these moments of imbecility. :D

    An old man of 32/33 years!
    Liberal Douchebags that Blame Bush for Everything are Useless Pieces of Trash. I Shit on You.
  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Posts: 12,223
    Originally posted by Barroom Hero
    An old man of 32/33 years!

    31/32 ... don't kill me off altogether ...

    :D
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