The Day Things Changed
dotheevolukin
Posts: 44
She took my hand in hers
We talked confidently in a western direction
I must admit my nerves were active
As we approached the capital
I've never understood the need for war
But I've lived in ignorance
Until today, I've changed my mind
The stance has stood
and I'm left feeling empty
Something has changed
Something I can't explains
It's as if I've been reborn
These feelings are so clear
For the first time
We talked confidently in a western direction
I must admit my nerves were active
As we approached the capital
I've never understood the need for war
But I've lived in ignorance
Until today, I've changed my mind
The stance has stood
and I'm left feeling empty
Something has changed
Something I can't explains
It's as if I've been reborn
These feelings are so clear
For the first time
"It's not British music, it's American music. Now c'mon." -Bob Dylan
Post edited by Unknown User on
0
Comments
Second line
Talks should be walk I assume
Just say, "we walked west"
more direct, more powerful, same intention
"I must admit"
chuck it, simplify the line
Something has changed
just say, something changed
"It's as if I've been reborn"
drop the it's or just say I've been reborn
If this looks terse don't take it the wrong way, there's just a lot of very simply things you can do to make definitive and dramatic effects on your poetry, the same thing works for prose, just eliminating a half dozen extraneous words can completely revitalize a work
Nice job, keep posting
i thoroughly enjoyed it.