Your thoughts Please??

onejourney

I don’t want to wait for you to make
The same mistakes as the rest of them
I don’t want to wait
for you to come around
I want you now, more than ever

I’m sitting here alone, confined
Just waiting by the phone
For you to call, but you don’t
But I pray someday you will

But I know I’ll never know just what its like for you to call
I guess I’ll never know just what it’s like to hold your hand
On the shore, of our favorite beach as we walk along
The sun is setting down
And I pray to stay awake all night just staring in your eyes
I make you laugh, you call me back
And much to my surprise…

Its just a dream
It’s never real
But I try so hard for you
And I pray so hard for you to see me as

The one you picture in your head when you dream of your life’s dream
I know I’m not what you want, I’m just a friend you can forget
I try so hard, to become, Everything you want and more

But I’m not, it’s just a dream
Just an image in my head
It’ll never be, more than a dream
Just an image in my head
I’m just a dream

trappedinmyradio

onejourney wrote:

I don’t want to wait for you to make
The same mistakes as the rest of them
I don’t want to wait
for you to come around
I want you now, more than ever

I’m sitting here alone, confined
Just waiting by the phone
For you to call, but you don’t
But I pray someday you will

But I know I’ll never know just what its like for you to call
I guess I’ll never know just what it’s like to hold your hand
On the shore, of our favorite beach as we walk along
The sun is setting down
And I pray to stay awake all night just staring in your eyes
I make you laugh, you call me back
And much to my surprise…

Its just a dream
It’s never real
But I try so hard for you
And I pray so hard for you to see me as

The one you picture in your head when you dream of your life’s dream
I know I’m not what you want, I’m just a friend you can forget
I try so hard, to become, Everything you want and more

But I’m not, it’s just a dream
Just an image in my head
It’ll never be, more than a dream
Just an image in my head
I’m just a dream

i like it - the third stanza could use some grounding - i really like the next to last stanza - i can relate...

onejourney

trappedinmyradio wrote:

i like it - the third stanza could use some grounding -

Thanks! I kind of thought that too. Its for a song, and the words just kind of showed up that way, I never really gave it much thought. I know what I want to say, but its kind of bugging me the way i wrote it down.

i really like the next to last stanza - i can relate...

Thanks again! Kind of basic I guess, Im not sure if I like it as a whole, but its probably one of the most honest things I have written.

trappedinmyradio

onejourney wrote:

Thanks! I kind of thought that too. Its for a song, and the words just kind of showed up that way, I never really gave it much thought. I know what I want to say, but its kind of bugging me the way i wrote it down.



Thanks again! Kind of basic I guess, Im not sure if I like it as a whole, but its probably one of the most honest things I have written.

well, here's the deal from me - rhythm, with songs, can be thrown out the window sort of because of the way you can annunciate words to match what you are doing musically. what i like about it, the most, is that it's clear and, as you said, honest. with that said, if you want it to be a song, then make it a song...with a piano...or an eerie banguitar. ha.

onejourney

trappedinmyradio wrote:

well, here's the deal from me - rhythm, with songs, can be thrown out the window sort of because of the way you can annunciate words to match what you are doing musically. what i like about it, the most, is that it's clear and, as you said, honest. with that said, if you want it to be a song, then make it a song...with a piano...or an eerie banguitar. ha.

I have the music too...I think...both sort of arrived at the same time...I took a bit of a break and completed the last of the lyrics, and rearranged some stuff but thats about it. Kind of sloppy I guess but I havent written a song in a while and It was starting to bug me. Maybe I'll record it at one point

BTW, thanks for all your feedback!

trappedinmyradio

onejourney wrote:

I have the music too...I think...both sort of arrived at the same time...I took a bit of a break and completed the last of the lyrics, and rearranged some stuff but thats about it. Kind of sloppy I guess but I havent written a song in a while and It was starting to bug me. Maybe I'll record it at one point

BTW, thanks for all your feedback!

well, the good thing, about what you have here, is that i was going to ask if you were thinking about making it into a song before you mentioned that.

twin2

Such longing. Nicely written and hauntingly sad.