You Danced (11 January 2006)

trappedinmyradiotrappedinmyradio Posts: 1,189
edited January 2006 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Total emotional abandonment on
page two proclomations,
and a perforation in blue
really makes me think about
how much I dislike myself.
so, I cut the underside of my finger;

a prequel to the end
in double feature . . . a warm bath.
Like life, I assume falling back,
and my last thought is, "How do
they get the oil from the olive,
and who discovered raisins?"

This is the scene and the marker
is tabbed all the way to "take tomorrow";
and, when it's dialed-in to "now",
I suppose the dress-rehearsal's over
and the Instawares will be drawered in
favor of the santoku serated.

I finally drove away from here,
yet you can hear me.
In your head, I'm as alive as
the time when you danced.
This is the scene, and the
camera's always rolling.
I'll dig a tunnel
from my window to yours
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • feel free to tell me what you don't like about it.
    I'll dig a tunnel
    from my window to yours
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    dude... i like this :D


    the gait is a bit choppy, but it's sustained throughout the piece, and therefore, not at all something that needs changing.

    reads like really good song lyrics


    :)
  • PastaNazi wrote:
    dude... i like this :D


    the gait is a bit choppy, but it's sustained throughout the piece, and therefore, not at all something that needs changing.

    reads like really good song lyrics


    :)

    i wouldn't know what song lyrics would read like...
    I'll dig a tunnel
    from my window to yours
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    well, because I write songs... I am more often concerned with meter and rhythm than I am content, though if the content is horribly cliche' ~ it ruins the piece, regadless of the beat.

    when i read this (out loud), the choice of words used forces a particular rhythm, and so it reminded me of a song ~ even without music, if that makes sense


    :)
  • JDE-PJJDE-PJ Posts: 721
    nice work Dom.
    I know someday you will have a beautiful Life


    Jason
  • JDE-PJ wrote:
    nice work Dom.

    well, thank you
    I'll dig a tunnel
    from my window to yours
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