It Will Be Okay Tomorrow (16 December 2005)

trappedinmyradio

For every night that I loved you,
there were seven when you'd hit me
and hated me for my love...
Patience came in the form of a hug and a kiss,

and an, "It will be okay tomorrow."
But, tomorrow was New Year's Day,
and you were kissing Easton in your
old bedroom at your parents' house.

I tried to walk away so many times,
but your need to be with someone
(anyone) all the time asked me to stay;
just like everyone else under winter's sky.

It's long past time for me to find the tide
and the sand it carries away with each
flowing roll of a new rip side invitation.
I casted you away and you called the next day

wondering if I would bring you a sandwich
because I knew what you liked and your
family was long lost on their own way
away from you and all the things you needed.

I came, and I saw. You cursed at me
for my convictions about the state of
your love, and your hatred . . . your loss.
I gave you everything I could give and more,

and you left me on the shore to fend off
the rage you put inside my heart for everyone.
In a perfectionist's world, I'm the last of the pack,
but I loved you with all my universe had to offer.

You threw rocks and broke down my walls;
the ones I used to protect us both. Now, I'm as lost
as you were when I found you and then some.
But, no one wants to find me in that field,

and take me into their room . . . cover me up.
No one wants to run through my dreams and
pick off the umbras that linger and tell
me that I'm never going to be enough for you.


I'm the underside of the bottom of the barrel.

DopeBeastie

trapped.... first off... i already love you cuz my GIRL violet pm'd us both publically... so if she says you're cool, i'm taking her word for it...

secondly

this poem made me do the little laugh/cry thing

it's f'n beautiful, yo

all the abstract references and intellect twists are really nice. you could shore up a few things here and there and if you want my opinion on any of the specifics, say the word. BUT. I'm feeling this one on a personal level. I'm feeling like you and I could talk and we'd find a lot in common.

Federico

a nice one, man...as said above...some laughs and some tears...deep down feelings come always that way..tragedy seems so strangely fun sometimes...



p.d.: how cool is to read poetry in a Pearl jam page...only this band could put together this kind of fans!

twin1

wow, this one is really beautiful and sad...I can relate to it alot. Thanks for posting it...

trappedinmyradio

Federico wrote:

a nice one, man...as said above...some laughs and some tears...deep down feelings come always that way..tragedy seems so strangely fun sometimes...

p.d.: how cool is to read poetry in a Pearl jam page...only this band could put together this kind of fans!

that's something that i really love about the band and its fans. thank you for your comment.

twin1 wrote:

wow, this one is really beautiful and sad...I can relate to it alot. Thanks for posting it...

thank you. i wish that people couldn't relate to it. but, that's not the world in which we live.

twin2

Sad and well written. Really holds your interest.

DopeBeastie

Thanks for your permission to "crit" this piece, TIMR. It's been a long time and my skills are rusty ~ but I really do like this piece, and it makes me want to take it apart, a little.

First off. It'd be a lot better with some capitalization. There is also some uneven punctuation use, which makes the read a little harder.

trappedinmyradio wrote:

for every night that i loved you
there were seven when you hit me
and hated me for my love...
patience in the form of a hug and a kiss

and an, "it will be okay tomorrow."
but, tomorrow was new year's day
and you were kissing easton in your
old bedroom at your parents' house.

i tried to walk away so many times
but your need to be with someone,
anyone, all the time asked me to stay
just like everyone else under winter's sky.

it's long past time to find the tide
and the sand that passes away with each
flowing roll of a new rip side invitation.
i casted you away and you called the next day

The first three lines (to the word "roll") of the above stanza are rough. They're hard on the tongue and slow to be understood as a result. I like what you mean here, but if you focus on how it sounds coming out of the mouth, I think you'll feel the dissonance. I like how "rip side invitation" comes out, a lot. There is an easy force that comes with it. Try some alternative wordings with the last line, too. It's good, and is actually the part where I start having the emotional response ~ but it is a little awkward. (They always call the day after being cast away, don't they? WTBH is that? That, my friend, must be what God is... the undeniable connection between lovers, dead or alive.)

wondering if i would bring you a sandwich
because i knew what you liked and your
family was long lost on their own way
away from you and all the things you needed.

i came and i saw and you cursed at me
for my convictions about the state of
your love and your loss and your hatred.
i gave you everything i could give and more

and you left me on the shore to fend off
the rage you put inside my heart for everyone.
in a perfectionist's world, i'm the last of the pack,
but i loved you with all the universe had to offer.

and you threw rocks and broke down my walls;
the ones i used to protect us both. i'm as lost
as you were when i found you and then some.
From here up to the previous comment, work with the punctuation and capitalization. Consider eliminating some of the redundancies.
but, no one wants to find me in the field
love love love this last line

and take me into their room and cover me up.
no one wants to run through my dreams and
pick off the spirits that roam around and tell
me that i'm never going to be enough for you.

"roam around" is a bit "flighty", for lack of a better word, or more sleep. Is there some more succinct imagery you can use here? Also, I wish you said "... and tell me that you're never going to be enough for you." Because in my opinion, that's where the real problem lies. Emotionally needy people are needy because they don't believe in themselves. EOS. People who need to be needed are the same way.

i'm the underside of the bottom of the barrel.
The last line stays. It's you in the moment. It's perfect.

ciaocito,
Rachel

trappedinmyradio

PastaNazi wrote:

Thanks for your permission to "crit" this piece, TIMR. It's been a long time and my skills are rusty ~ but I really do like this piece, and it makes me want to take it apart, a little.

First off. It'd be a lot better with some capitalization. There is also some uneven punctuation use, which makes the read a little harder.




ciaocito,
Rachel

can you think of something other than "roaming around"? i'm having some problems with that one.

prljamgirl

That is just beautiful.....but sad and almost haunting at the same time.

Being Enlightened

Love it!