Gray
kdpjam
Posts: 2,303
Don’t mess with me
I’m looking for a place to stay
Blame myself
For getting in my own way
Don’t know why I hang around
Sometimes my world is hallowed ground
A shallow grave it’s not for me
Climbing out I see the light
I thought I was home, I thought it was night
When you came back to me
Empty shadows in the hallway
Light another cigarette
There’s too much to remember
A lot I wish I could forget
Stay close and get pushed away
Find and lose and find my way
True colors blending always
This hazy cloudy shroud of gray
I’m looking for a place to stay
Blame myself
For getting in my own way
Don’t know why I hang around
Sometimes my world is hallowed ground
A shallow grave it’s not for me
Climbing out I see the light
I thought I was home, I thought it was night
When you came back to me
Empty shadows in the hallway
Light another cigarette
There’s too much to remember
A lot I wish I could forget
Stay close and get pushed away
Find and lose and find my way
True colors blending always
This hazy cloudy shroud of gray
lay down all thoughts; surrender to the void
~it is shining it is shining~
~it is shining it is shining~
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Comments
The poem does not have any awkwardness, it's smooth and the transitions are solid, I think it might be the actual meaning of the work that is less solid. The problem with rhyme is it forces you to sacrifice the clarity of what you really want to say for the murkiness of rythm. But keep writing, you have good control of the language.
~it is shining it is shining~