Poem I wrote for my enviromental class

The Pen Is Mightier

This poem is for my enviromental class... I am looking for critiques... anything you think I should change, or that you like would be appreciated. There are ofcourse some PJ references in it, well because they inspire me so I figure they will be in my poems too. well here goes:

EDIT: Forgot to say I dont write poems much at all.


My Enemy Is Me

In the heat of August, sitting alone watching TV.
Thoughts escape his head as he drifts away from the present.
He knows nothing, and he is happy.
The buzzing from the air conditioner pierces his ears.
American Airlines murmurs to him, "Something’s special in the air"
Something special indeed, something you probably won’t believe.
Cigarette cartons, Quarter Pounder wrappers, pizza boxes
Camouflage his floor, forming mountains of shit.
The walls are stained yellow, and the stench of smoke fills the room.
The television starts to flicker and turns off.
The lights start to flicker and turn off.
The man dozes and turns off.

An ethereal being seeps into the room.
She enters the mind of the man, and begins to speak:

“I’m here to tell you something that you need to understand.
The plague which will kill your people is not disease, but man.
You, yourself work as a logger.
You, yourself help pollute my water.
You, yourself drive an SUV to make your life complete.
You, yourself help my ozone to deplete.
The noxious gases your people incessantly emit into my air
Will lead to my death, destruction, and despair.
Your people need vision to see beyond personal wealth
You’re poisoning me and my own health.
You help me, and I will gladly assist you too
But if you destroy me, I will unforgivingly annihilate you.”

The man emerges from his sleep, empowered, with new found knowledge.
Looking around he sees nothing, he starts to speak to an empty room:

“Miss, thank you for bringing these issues to my mind,
But I am afraid that I will not be able to help mankind.
I love driving and I love my SUV
It helps me get from point A to point B easily.
I do dislike my job as a logger, but the pay is decent and fair
But a person who tries to help this land never gets anywhere.
I know I smoke and eat fast food and that’s self pollution
But being dumb and happy to me is the perfect solution.
I know my indifference to this situation is plain to see
But I have come to terms with the fact that my enemy is me.”

The Pen Is Mightier

anyone?

newagehippie

very nice. i really like thr foreshadowing/flahback/irony....whatever it is. nice work...save the earth....

FinsburyParkCarrots

May I offer a little tip about story telling, here? Introduce the phrase "This man" or "A man" right at the beginning. Show us the main character by using some kind of noun such as "man", rather than by the pronoun "he". We need to picture him on the most basic level first! Then we can start to explore him and his conscious/unconscious inner world. The phrase "the man" that you use comes at the end of the first stanza when it needs something to refer to.

This is a poem, but it works in the same way that both quirky narratives and jokes work: You say, "A man walks into a bar..." to start with, in a joke. People can then anchor onto an idea. Your piece uses elements of dream-fantasy and political satire but its fundamental format is realist, so according to realist convention, I would propose changing your line one to this, as the first two lines:


In the heat of August, here is a man.
sitting alone watching TV.

I know I could just have said, here's what I suggest would be a good tweak, but I thought we could have a bit of fun thinking about how we can make a narrative really read to be as clear as gin.

The Pen Is Mightier

Thanks fins! Great idea, it does make it flow alot better, and makes it more clear. As I said, by no means do I do this often.