knocked about

prism

umm....okay so I've never written anythng anywhere.....not sure why I'm posting this here... it's stupid, I know but I suppose the words need to fall somewhere. yes I realize that I don't know shit about grammar and form




when did your dream become my nightmare
tidy pink flowers hide what happens inside
the pain unleashed
you knew I wouldn't fight back
you knew
a pillar in the community
for all must look good from the outside
the list of accomplishments serves you well
they'll never know
the pain unleashed
you knew I wouldn't fight back
you knew
you sought to make me pay
for the pain he put you through
the pain, it rages
you knew I wouldn't fight back
you knew
the cries you refused acknowledge
of the child nobody wanted
the pain, ever to be undone
I know
inside is a whirlwind
anger, love, bitter resentment
I laugh just the same
I laugh to hide
the pain...unleashed

carpenter_newton

wow, that's amazing. really, i don't know shit about poetry and form, but that's quite moving.



and sorry about the subject matter. :(

windedsailor

i think this is well-written. nice movement from the external to the internalized.... an emotion expressed through texures of emotions.
nice.

cltaylor12

~appreciates~

jboelhow

Originally posted by prism
umm....okay so I've never written anythng anywhere.....

you knew I wouldn't fight back
you knew

For your "first" poem. Great emotion and natural use of repetition... the above two lines are used well. Until the end, to add to the imagery here you should continue with the repeat, or create a visual break when you start with I know lines. The new stanza will emphasize the reversal of the content. From you addressing (your mom?) the person to you showing your independence.

But, this is only my opinion. I think it is a good poem.