My Old Friend

CranMalReign

So here's something I found quite by accident in a notebook I usually reserve for work... It's dated 1/6/03, but I'm tweaking it up a bit, so maybe a new date can be 5/7/04. ::shrugs::

~~~

My Old Friend
January 6, 2003 (May 7, 2004)

If sadness visits, we steal away
lose ourselves like ex-lovers beneath the stairs
drown in the passion we knew
bleed by her nails on my skin

I suckle the tit of tragedy
if the sow sees fit to bear it
keep my lips to its rigid, sour flesh til it's dry

We walk twisted halls of tears and hate
decreped, lamented, deserted
forgotten for years, remembered for now
hazed in sordid nostalgia

My old, dear friend
can you share a drink?
I don't see much of you anymore
once I left you behind

FinsburyParkCarrots

Originally posted by CranMalReign
So here's something I found quite by accident in a notebook I usually reserve for work... It's dated 1/6/03, but I'm tweaking it up a bit, so maybe a new date can be 5/7/04. ::shrugs::

~~~

My Old Friend
January 6, 2003 (May 7, 2004)

If sadness visits, we steal away
lose ourselves like ex-lovers beneath the stairs
drown in the passion we knew
bleed by her nails on my skin

I suckle the tit of tragedy
if the sow sees fit to bear it
keep my lips
to its rigid, sour flesh til it's dry

We walk twisted halls of tears and hate
decreped, lamented, deserted
forgotten for years, remembered for now
hazed in sordid nostalgia

My old, dear friend
can you share a drink?
I don't see much of you anymore
once I left you behind

Just for formal reasons alone, stanza two needs four lines, so I've suggested the line break above. I don't think it plays with the integrity of the trope in the stanza; it's still intact. In fact I like the sound equivalences of "it" sounds there ("tit", "fit", "it", "its", "it's"), reinforced by short "i" sounds ("if", "lips", "rigid", "til"). I also like the way you use the sounds of past participles in succession ("decreped, lamented, deserted", "remembered", "hazed" to suggest extreme emotions thought deaD but rediscoverED in a strange re-encounter.

I like it, and I like the deliberate offhandedness of the theme and the formal metre of the final stanza.

CranMalReign

Originally posted by FinsburyParkCarrots
Just for formal reasons alone, stanza two needs four lines, so I've suggested the line break above. I don't think it plays with the integrity of the trope in the stanza; it's still intact. In fact I like the sound equivalences of "it" sounds there ("tit", "fit", "it", "its", "it's"), reinforced by short "i" sounds ("if", "lips", "rigid", "til"). I also like the way you use the sounds of past participles in succession ("decreped, lamented, deserted", "remembered", "hazed" to suggest extreme emotions thought deaD but rediscoverED in a strange re-encounter.

I like it, and I like the deliberate offhandedness of the theme and the formal metre of the final stanza.

I dig, I dig. Your second stanza edit is a-ok in my book, my friend.

Hooray and huzah!

Being Enlightened

Originally posted by CranMalReign

My old, dear friend
can you share a drink?
I don't see much of you anymore
once I left you behind

{{{{My Pimmy}}}}

This makes me think of you, sad and alone at a bar, with memories of the past and a pint of brew.

I like the sorrowful, yet hopeful feel of the last lines, especially!

BTW - The first part to your new sig is BANG ON!!!! "Friends" :rolleyes: !

DopeBeastie

under the stairs
and sour skin


my take...
emotively desparately reserved, if that makes any sense
like being in love with a ghost or something