Sometimes, You're Not Alone

orig_long red

smell, feel
action, interest
there's labor to it
climb the mountain
wet, slippery one at that
there are things
falling, you hear them
crashing into the ground
one by one
with each one, the intimacy is removed
more smells, more feeling
you begin to talk
words come out, you watch them
leave your mouth, but
you are much too far behind
to stop them
there's more crashing
intense, hot, wet
at this point, there is no morning coming
this is it, all is now
there's no chance of the sun
moving across your sleeing face,
opening your eyes,
letting you in
on your own dark secret
no chance
the morning won't come
the pace is picked up
intensity raised
words, harsher
mission, clear
"I will end her life right here," you think
to yourself
there's a rush of neon electricity,
it runs through your body
her cries, her grip
together, your brains die
your insides do not exist
finally, you collapse
both alive, but somewhere else
you look up, towards the window
you see night slipping away
the blue light of morning
it cruely breaks through
you are now exposed
to each other, and the light of day.

grooveamatic

ah hem. holy shit.

orig_long red

grooveamatic wrote:

ah hem. holy shit.

precisly............

setaside2

some wicked imagery here, and deafening sound...

smooth it out a little and it'll kill with katana grace.

however a death by clubbing is still a death. and there's plenty of intensity here.

only thing I'd normally say is to let your lines run a little free-er, as they say. the static of line and return hurts a little here.

otherwise, great emotive. keep it up.

me likee the powder blue look hereabouts now...

grooveamatic

setaside2 wrote:

only thing I'd normally say is to let your lines run a little free-er, as they say. the static of line and return hurts a little here.

I do agree with this. However, I want to say again: holy shit.

FinsburyParkCarrots

How does this look?

smell, feel
action, interest
there's labor to it
climb the mountain
wet, slippery one at that
there are things
falling, you hear them
crashing into the ground
one by one
with each one, the intimacy is removed
more smells, more feeling
you begin to talk
words come out, you watch them
leave your mouth, but
you are much too far behind
to stop them
there's more crashing
intense, hot, wet
at this point, there is no morning coming
this is it, all is now
there's no chance of the sun
moving across your sleeing face,
opening your eyes,
letting you in
on your own dark secret
no chance
the morning won't come
the pace is picked up
intensity raised
words, harsher
mission, clear
"I will end her life right here," you think
to yourself
there's a rush of neon electricity,
it runs through your body
her cries, her grip
together, your brains die
your insides do not exist
finally, you collapse
both alive, but somewhere else
you look up, towards the window
you see night slipping away
the blue light of morning
it cruely breaks through
you are now exposed
to each other, and the light of day

setaside2

I would agree that it fits the pome more to be in this centered column, but I'd still free up some room for longer single lines and a smaller line count.

that's just me of course, and I'm known for being quite long winded. Ah well.

Still like it.

FinsburyParkCarrots

setaside2 wrote:

I would agree that it fits the pome more to be in this centered column, but I'd still free up some room for longer single lines and a smaller line count.

that's just me of course, and I'm known for being quite long winded. Ah well.

Still like it.

Yeah, longwinded fugher. Good to see you.