Shit from my office desk!

even flow?even flow? Posts: 8,066
edited November 2003 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Death can come at any moment
It will not announce its arrival
May it happen in my sleep
Useless is our survival
Many people run
Many people hide
Death like cancer
Starts on the inside
Pesticides for my survival
Playing god with the crops
Mad cow and tainted pork
Acid rain drops
Inevitable as it is
You can't dwell on through life
Torture the brain
Live with the pain
Check out early
Leave someone surly
A nice sleep death will be
Spread the ashes below my favourite tree
So earth and I can unite as one
The same fucking way my life begun
You've changed your place in this world!
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • The boss can come any moment, too.
    Don't know which is more dangerous.
  • even flow?even flow? Posts: 8,066
    I would like some critique please.
    You've changed your place in this world!
  • Well, I'm picking up the obvious defeatist vibe here. Not much of a vibe, actually, since it kicks me in the teeth. But what more do you have to say besides "I'm gonna die... could be tomorrow... who cares?" Seems like there's something else lurking. Something else very poem-worthy in itself. I guess I'm asking... "Do you think this is finished?"
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  • Originally posted by even flow?
    Death can come at any moment
    It will not announce its arrival
    It may happen in my sleep
    Murder is its survival
    Many people run
    Many people hide
    Death like cancer
    Starts on the inside
    Pesticides don't pick sides
    Playing god with the crops
    Mad cow and tainted pork
    Acid rain drops
    Inevitable as it is
    You can't dwell on the hells of life
    You can't look at the sun
    without thinking it's bright
    You can't look at Death
    without knowing it's right
    A nice sleep death will be
    Spread the ashes below my favourite tree
    So earth and I can unite as one
    The same fucking way my life begun
    I've made amendments above :)
  • even flow?even flow? Posts: 8,066
    Very nice Radar.
    You've changed your place in this world!
  • Originally posted by Radar(Baba)O'Riley
    I've made amendments above :)

    Hrm... idunno... making suggestions is fine. Rewriting someone's stuff... idunno. It's kind of like stealing.
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  • Originally posted by CranMalReign
    Hrm... idunno... making suggestions is fine. Rewriting someone's stuff... idunno. It's kind of like stealing.
    It sounded like e.f. wanted to take her poem to a shop. It was making clicking noises, and wanted to know what the problem was. I gave it new tires and a lube job. Free of charge. It's e.f.'s poem to keep drive around. Always will be. Yes, I adjusted the seat a little when I got in. Yes, I changed the radio station while I worked on it. But she can always change it back. :)
  • even flow?even flow? Posts: 8,066
    Now there are two versions on the page. You have the Walmart version and the original version. But, they both have the last line intact and to me that is the finishing line. I would not worry about people "stealing" poems from here as I leave my a and b material in the book. Radar and anybody can tinker with my "thoughts" if they want. In my mind, if it is posted. It is free game? Now no arguing boys!
    You've changed your place in this world!
  • Originally posted by even flow?
    You have the Walmart version and the original version.

    Uhhhh, I wanted to be the K-Mart version.
    WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • even flow?even flow? Posts: 8,066
    Originally posted by Radar(Baba)O'Riley
    Uhhhh, I wanted to be the K-Mart version.
    WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    Walmart in the way they have to have an altered version to sell to the public. There is nothing wrong with the altered version of the poem. It really would have been Walmarted if the last line got changed. So it is safe to say it could be a K-Mart version too.:)
    You've changed your place in this world!
  • Originally posted by even flow?
    Now there are two versions on the page. You have the Walmart version and the original version. But, they both have the last line intact and to me that is the finishing line. I would not worry about people "stealing" poems from here as I leave my a and b material in the book. Radar and anybody can tinker with my "thoughts" if they want. In my mind, if it is posted. It is free game? Now no arguing boys!

    Well, if you're cool with it, I'm cool with it. So long as no one does it to me, and I won't do it to anyone.

    :)
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  • even flow?even flow? Posts: 8,066
    Originally posted by CranMalReign
    Well, if you're cool with it, I'm cool with it. So long as no one does it to me, and I won't do it to anyone.

    :)

    Agreed from my part. I do know where you are coming from. I was once like that but I have changed a little. If they were making money off of my stuff, that would be a different situation. I like the fun in the poetry section. Alas I don't mind people tinkering or adding on to my poems and thoughts. It is like a little offering of inspiration/death to the readers.
    You've changed your place in this world!
  • My amendments come from all the poetry classes I took in college where we were encouraged to make suggestions on the poems themselves and offer rewordings and tweakings and tunings.

    ps, e.f. I just submitted your poem to poetry.com in my name. I'm gonna win $10,000, I'm gonna win $10,000, I'm gonna win $10,000, I'm gonna win $10,000, I'm gonna win $10,000, I'm gonna win $10,000.

    Well, no, not really.
    I would sooner steal the corn bits from a fat man's diarrhea barrel than steal bits from a poet's poem.

    pss, C.M.R., I wouldn't do it to you unless you bought me dinner first ;)
  • how long did it take for the ego to accept someone "tweaking" your stuff in these classes?

    Originally posted by Radar(Baba)O'Riley
    My amendments come from all the poetry classes I took in college where we were encouraged to make suggestions on the poems themselves and offer rewordings and tweakings and tunings.
  • Originally posted by Radar(Baba)O'Riley
    My amendments come from all the poetry classes I took in college where we were encouraged to make suggestions on the poems themselves and offer rewordings and tweakings and tunings.

    ps, e.f. I just submitted your poem to poetry.com in my name. I'm gonna win $10,000, I'm gonna win $10,000, I'm gonna win $10,000, I'm gonna win $10,000, I'm gonna win $10,000, I'm gonna win $10,000.

    Well, no, not really.
    I would sooner steal the corn bits from a fat man's diarrhea barrel than steal bits from a poet's poem.

    pss, C.M.R., I wouldn't do it to you unless you bought me dinner first ;)

    poetry.com sucks bung. they'll send everyone who submits something a little email saying "you're being published!!!" just to sell books. No matter how garbage it is.
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  • even flow?even flow? Posts: 8,066
    Originally posted by CranMalReign
    poetry.com sucks bung. they'll send everyone who submits something a little email saying "you're being published!!!" just to sell books. No matter how garbage it is.

    *Tear in my eye. Now dripping down my cheek* But Radar was going to win with this? Wasn't he?
    You've changed your place in this world!
  • Originally posted by even flow?
    *Tear in my eye. Now dripping down my cheek* But Radar was going to win with this? Wasn't he?

    This kicks the shit out of 98% of the stuff that gets published in that book.

    I mean, I gave up when the "Poem of the Year" award was given to something that went like:

    I love God
    God is Good

    I love God
    He made the trees

    I love God
    Hooray God!

    not to diss Christians out there or anything but... idunno... that just doesn't cut the mustard for me as far as "poem of the year", ya know?

    But unfortunately, ef, I don't think you would have won on poetry.com, if only b/c you weren't praising God and parents of 2nd graders would burn your house down if you let their children read it.

    And I find not winning the poetry.com contest a high complement for a poet.
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  • even flow?even flow? Posts: 8,066
    *Drying my eyes with tissue* Thank you. I feel better now.:)
    I have read some of the junk on there. I agree it is rubbish. Maybe I'll bump my "Religion" poem to the top for you to read?
    You've changed your place in this world!
  • Originally posted by even flow?
    *Drying my eyes with tissue* Thank you. I feel better now.:)
    I have read some of the junk on there. I agree it is rubbish. Maybe I'll bump my "Religion" poem to the top for you to read?

    Sounds good... I have a handful myself.
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